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Marriage Related Rant

Friday, November 18, 2016

My husband complains.

He complains about his job.

He complains about politics.

He complains about being sick (he's had a cold supposedly for over a month now).

He complains about the dogs.

He complains about his family.

He complains about my family.

He complains about money.

He complains about driving to work.

He complains about riding the bus.

He complains about the heat.

He complains about the rain.

He complains about everything, all the time.

Honestly, I can't remember the last positive thing he's said. Every evening when he returns home, I try to make the house a happy, fun environment. Every evening, he complains.

Tonight, he texted me and said he's going to the doctor (again), because he doesn't "feel good."

But I can't feel any sympathy for him. I feel bad that I can't feel bad for him...but he's been so negative for so long, that I'm starting to think any sympathy I give him just makes him complain more.

I feel like he revels in his negativity and I am really not okay with it.

Okay...rant over.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh, and my husband is OCPD, so, nothing meets his standards of 'good enough' or 'right'. There is CBT out there to help with this type of thing, but, he refuses to seek treatment.
    1235 days ago
    You're not alone!!!!

    I was out of the house for a week, and was having a good time, even working long hours and having trouble finding decent food, I wasn't stressed at all.
    One hour after being back home this weekend, negativity galore and I could just feel my gut clench up.

    I've been the one working and commuting and handling the finances for our marriage. There is plenty to complain about there, true enough, just to blow off steam and get something frustrating off your chest,
    but, if I've ever wanted to express that, he complains louder about my complaint than I did during my initial attempt at a complaint. I've had to keep it to myself or find friends to get a quick bit of sympathy from because I can't stand the percussive expansion of the initial statement.
    1235 days ago
    So, after discussing with him (again) how his negativity is affecting our relationship, he's angry.

    Thanks everyone for the supportive words. I suspect this fight's going to be a long one.
    1236 days ago
  • ALICIA363
    LOL, when I read your chart, I was thinking of you! Truly unhappy that husband is complaining, take action to change it (write this blog?), then you land on don't complain again.

    And I'll complain that the only answer is don't complain! LOL again ... I used to work with a lady who had a "No Whining" sign at her desk. Made quite an impression on me. Wish I could find her again and thank her!

    Hope this helped you work through your side of the relationship!
    1237 days ago
    I'm sorry about your situation. It's tough to live in an atmosphere like that.
    I like Krista's suggestion better than my initial response (start complaining right along with him and see how he reacts).

    Has he always been this way or is this a recent development? If recent, perhaps there is some medical reason?

    I hope things improve for you.
    1237 days ago
    I'm sorry about that, it must be very hard to put up with it and still stay positive.
    If he really looks unhappy and low on energy, he might be depressed.
    I hope he is not, and this is just habitual complaining.

    In one of my favorite self help books there is a story of a guy whose co-worker was a complainer, and this guy decided to do an experiment: when they lunched together and co-worker complained he looked blank and gave no or very short neutral responses. But when co-worker mentioned anything positive, he lightened up, showed all verbal and non-verbal signs of interest. Guess what: after a few weeks co-worker stopped complaining to him, but kept complaining to everybody else! ; )
    A marriage is a lot more complicated relationship than that, but you might experiment with your own inner reactions and responses to see if anything makes a positive change.
    My DD, for example, complains rarely, but when she does it is very intense and unpleasant. Saying she is not completely right is pointless, just makes her angry and complain longer and louder. But giving her full attention and showing sympathy calms her down within 5-10 minutes, and she is soon back to her usual lovely self. Took me some years to figure this out...
    1237 days ago
    Ouch! I am sorry to hear of your problem with your husband. It would be an issue for me too. I try to stay positive and think of the good things in life rather than the negative. Best of luck in finding resolution.
    1238 days ago
  • no profile photo CD17142208
    At least you have a sense of humor. I've never been married so I can't imagine. Maybe he's really going through something he just can't find a way to talk about.
    1238 days ago
    Thanks everyone. I have talked to him about it. Guess what he does?

    He complains about me pointing out that he complains.

    At least he's consistent!

    1238 days ago
  • DEB9021
    I understand. It is very hard that you can't make other people happy. Just remember that happiness is a state of mind. The things he complains about are not really making him unhappy, so you shouldn't take any of it personally. Find your own happy!
    1238 days ago
  • no profile photo CD17142208
    Wow, plate sounds full. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?
    1238 days ago
  • GEORGE815
    What a blog. Maybe husband has a lot going on. I love the diagram. At lease there is action steps and not fretting.
    1238 days ago
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