Just a rant...
Sunday, November 06, 2016
So in all my years and in all my journeys, I have found many things and met many people. However the few things that I have kept have never been people.
I don't have a tendency to hold on to materialistic things. It has been my experience that someone or something often comes along and takes them away.
I don't have a tendency to hang on to people, because they too never seem to last in my life. I am sad to say that I do but at the same time do not know why.
When I was a child, my life was a secret. We were always moving from one place to the other and it seemed that as soon as I found friends, this was bad for my family. I had a great family. I had a huge family and I adored them. My step father took them away from me. He was a drunk, and an abuser both of women and children. He put my mother in intensive care only hours after they were married. He put my child hood in a bottle and threw it away.
I don't believe I have ever learned how to have a stable or maintainable friendship in all of my life. When I was young people would find out my secrets and I was so ashamed that I would run and cry and hide myself from everyone. I didn't have bad secrets. I had never done anything wrong. I was a little girl who wanted to fit in and be liked and have fun. But instead I was the daughter of a drunk. I was strange and my family was scary. My step father had the secret.
When I got older. I stopped keeping any secrets from anyone. If I was an open book and I didn't care about anything no one could ever take that away from me. They couldn't use my scars against me because I was keeping them out in the open for all to see.
Yet some how this still seemed to keep me isolated. People say they want the truth. They want someone who will tell them when they have egg on their face, or when they have overstepped a boundary. But I have found that they dont.
People say that they want to be friends with someone who is loyal and kind and has a heart of gold. But that too is often a lie.
I know they say that not everyone can be wrong and that it must be the person. But how do you have or keep friends when you do what it is they say and they don't want to be your friend anyway. I feel like everyday of my adult life is so hard and lonely. I have an awesome family. And I just want an awesome friend to share that with. I want a girlfriend to go get my nails done and chat about our men and our children. I want to have girls days because our men who love us so much don't remember that sometimes we still need to be courted. I want someone to tell my everything to who wants to do the same to me.
I know this may seem stupid and childish. It may seem like I am just a 32 year old loser...and I probably am. But how do I teach my child to have good and healthy relationships when I myself don't know how to do that.
I guess I thought by this age I would have found someone who was like me. Who would be honest and loyal. Outgoing and fun. And broken. Because deep down inside, I think we are all broken.
Some people don't realize how lucky they are to have someone who they share everything with. And have for years.
End of rant...