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Just a rant...

Sunday, November 06, 2016

So in all my years and in all my journeys, I have found many things and met many people. However the few things that I have kept have never been people. I don't have a tendency to hold on to materialistic things. It has been my experience that someone or something often comes along and takes them away. I don't have a tendency to hang on to people, because they too never seem to last in my life. I am sad to say that I do but at the same time do not know why. When I was a child, my life was a secret. We were always moving from one place to the other and it seemed that as soon as I found friends, this was bad for my family. I had a great family. I had a huge family and I adored them. My step father took them away from me. He was a drunk, and an abuser both of women and children. He put my mother in intensive care only hours after they were married. He put my child hood in a bottle and threw it away. I don't believe I have ever learned how to have a stable or maintainable friendship in all of my life. When I was young people would find out my secrets and I was so ashamed that I would run and cry and hide myself from everyone. I didn't have bad secrets. I had never done anything wrong. I was a little girl who wanted to fit in and be liked and have fun. But instead I was the daughter of a drunk. I was strange and my family was scary. My step father had the secret. When I got older. I stopped keeping any secrets from anyone. If I was an open book and I didn't care about anything no one could ever take that away from me. They couldn't use my scars against me because I was keeping them out in the open for all to see. Yet some how this still seemed to keep me isolated. People say they want the truth. They want someone who will tell them when they have egg on their face, or when they have overstepped a boundary. But I have found that they dont. People say that they want to be friends with someone who is loyal and kind and has a heart of gold. But that too is often a lie. I know they say that not everyone can be wrong and that it must be the person. But how do you have or keep friends when you do what it is they say and they don't want to be your friend anyway. I feel like everyday of my adult life is so hard and lonely. I have an awesome family. And I just want an awesome friend to share that with. I want a girlfriend to go get my nails done and chat about our men and our children. I want to have girls days because our men who love us so much don't remember that sometimes we still need to be courted. I want someone to tell my everything to who wants to do the same to me. I know this may seem stupid and childish. It may seem like I am just a 32 year old loser...and I probably am. But how do I teach my child to have good and healthy relationships when I myself don't know how to do that. I guess I thought by this age I would have found someone who was like me. Who would be honest and loyal. Outgoing and fun. And broken. Because deep down inside, I think we are all broken. Some people don't realize how lucky they are to have someone who they share everything with. And have for years. End of rant...
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  • LUCASMOM2016
    ZRIE014, I'm not sure what you are thanking me for, but you are welcome. JOANN25, thank you so much for your comment. I am finding spark people very friendly, and I love the community here. I am normally a very positive and upbeat person, I have just been finding it a little difficult to stay upbeat with the seasons slowly approaching. My boyfriend has been ill and my son and I have just recently recovered. He has been so crabby and it would have been nice to have somewhere to go to let him rest. My son can be a lot to handle when you are not feeling well. LJCANNON, thank you so much you are such a sweet person, and you are always commenting on my blogs and keeping me feeling upbeat. Thank you for always being there!
    1571 days ago
    emoticon We Are ALL Broken ... Just in different ways.
    I'm glad you are here!!
    1572 days ago
  • JOANN25
    I am sorry you have gone through so much turmoil, especially during your childhood. Turmoil in a family is never good. Please focus on the positive in your life and put the negative behind. You will find support on Spark People so keep checking in and let us support you in every way we can.

    1572 days ago
  • ZRIE014
    1572 days ago
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