Sunday, October 16, 2016
I'm overwhelmed right now. My boss caused both showroom employees to quit last week, and we've been scrambling to find new people for the holiday season. I had a really long talk with him about self-sabotage, and how it's hard to watch, and I realized I've been doing the same thing with food lately.
I'm a stress eater. My life is not bad right now. Far from it. But it needs work. (Doesn't it always?) I'm dealing with a husband with self-esteem so low that when I provide constructive criticism he hears "I'm a failure." I'm dealing with a boss that is bringing his personal life to work and taking out his emotions on the employees, causing them to quit. I'm dealing with an inner loneliness and abandonment issues rearing their ugly head.
I work full time, do part-time bookkeeping (which I will be trying to get out of come the new year), trying to commit to blogging on A Measured Life 3x a week, have a rough draft of a cookbook with a self-imposed deadline of December 31st looming over me (and I haven't worked on it in 6 months), and am trying to figure out how I can monetize my website just enough that it pays for itself without feeling like I'm selling myself. I barely have time to think, or at least it feels like it.
Last night I was so exhausted when I got home I texted my husband and told him I wasn't cooking, we were going to Taco Bell. I then proceeded to stress eat walnuts, peanut butter and chocolate syrup. I'd scoop out the peanut butter and drizzle chocolate syrup on it and eat it. It didn't even taste good. I was tired and stressed. I should have taken a nap instead but I had blogging to do, a weekly menu to make. The projects looming over me prevented me from doing what I should have done: RELAX.
I went to bed at 9:30, which is my usual time, and watched an episode of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Unfortunately it was the episode where she finds her mom to confront her about being abandoned. Not a good topic to distract me from what was bothering me. When I shut off my laptop and tried to sleep the tears just came. In my head I know that people leave our lives for thousands of reasons, and they're rarely my fault. But somehow that doesn't matter sometimes. Sometimes it just feels like no matter what I do, people leave ME. Again, I know intellectually that it often has very little to do with me, but my ten-year-old-scared-little-ado
-left-her inside me rears her little head and reminds me that it's been happened all my life and is desperate to know WHY.
My eating is out of control. My weight is up. I'm angry at myself for it. I'm angry at those who have chosen to exit my life recently, regardless of circumstances. I'm angry at myself for feeling like I will fail at writing a cookbook. I feel stuck in my life right now, and irritated because I know it's only ME holding myself back.
I don't have all the answers. I don't have ANY answers right now. I just know I can't give up.