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Seriously Struggling

Sunday, October 16, 2016

I'm overwhelmed right now. My boss caused both showroom employees to quit last week, and we've been scrambling to find new people for the holiday season. I had a really long talk with him about self-sabotage, and how it's hard to watch, and I realized I've been doing the same thing with food lately.

I'm a stress eater. My life is not bad right now. Far from it. But it needs work. (Doesn't it always?) I'm dealing with a husband with self-esteem so low that when I provide constructive criticism he hears "I'm a failure." I'm dealing with a boss that is bringing his personal life to work and taking out his emotions on the employees, causing them to quit. I'm dealing with an inner loneliness and abandonment issues rearing their ugly head.

I work full time, do part-time bookkeeping (which I will be trying to get out of come the new year), trying to commit to blogging on A Measured Life 3x a week, have a rough draft of a cookbook with a self-imposed deadline of December 31st looming over me (and I haven't worked on it in 6 months), and am trying to figure out how I can monetize my website just enough that it pays for itself without feeling like I'm selling myself. I barely have time to think, or at least it feels like it.

Last night I was so exhausted when I got home I texted my husband and told him I wasn't cooking, we were going to Taco Bell. I then proceeded to stress eat walnuts, peanut butter and chocolate syrup. I'd scoop out the peanut butter and drizzle chocolate syrup on it and eat it. It didn't even taste good. I was tired and stressed. I should have taken a nap instead but I had blogging to do, a weekly menu to make. The projects looming over me prevented me from doing what I should have done: RELAX.

I went to bed at 9:30, which is my usual time, and watched an episode of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Unfortunately it was the episode where she finds her mom to confront her about being abandoned. Not a good topic to distract me from what was bothering me. When I shut off my laptop and tried to sleep the tears just came. In my head I know that people leave our lives for thousands of reasons, and they're rarely my fault. But somehow that doesn't matter sometimes. Sometimes it just feels like no matter what I do, people leave ME. Again, I know intellectually that it often has very little to do with me, but my ten-year-old-scared-little-ado
-left-her inside me rears her little head and reminds me that it's been happened all my life and is desperate to know WHY.

My eating is out of control. My weight is up. I'm angry at myself for it. I'm angry at those who have chosen to exit my life recently, regardless of circumstances. I'm angry at myself for feeling like I will fail at writing a cookbook. I feel stuck in my life right now, and irritated because I know it's only ME holding myself back.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have ANY answers right now. I just know I can't give up.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ADF1981
    Oh wow, you have so much going on. Maybe you have too much on your plate. With the busy holiday season up ahead, maybe extending your cookbook deadline and cutting back on the blogs from 3 to 2 times a week might help with the stress? You're a strong lady and can handle it, but sometimes I think us strong willed chicks have a hard time taking a step back.
    910 days ago
    So sorry to hear that you're dealing with all of this mess right now. I know that you won't give up, and you'll be so much stronger for it. Put one foot in front of the other and make sure to make time for yourself!
    912 days ago
  • KMW987
    emoticon I'm sorry you're going through all this right now. I wish I knew the right words to say.
    912 days ago
    I completely get where you are at. I struggle daily with abandonment issues and trying to comfort my ten year old self too. I totally relate. Seems in some way or another...I find we are always commenting to each other that we totally get it. It being whatever we are going through. lol Anywho.... emoticon I'm so glad you came here to vent and write it all out. Perhaps when your mind is a little more rested you can reread this blog and see some of the answers between the lines. If not...I am here for ya! emoticon emoticon
    912 days ago
    Checking in and seeing this post - OMG you have a lot and I'm adding my virtual hugs. You're getting a lot of advice, but I'm going to withhold and say what I wished someone had said to me when I was struggling: It will get better. You won't believe this, but it will. You have overcome so much; that little girl has been strong for so long. It's okay to be sad, mad, frustrated. Trust yourself to do what you need to do to just make it through each day, minute each hour. Glad you came here and shared, so we all can support you. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    912 days ago
    I am so sorry I did not see this yesterday. Big big hugs. We all "eat the peanut butter drizzled with chocolate" sometimes. That little girl can be a loud powerful voice in our heads.

    I don't have answers either. But I needed to hug on you. emoticon
    912 days ago
    I'm sorry you are/were struggling so bad. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. You juggle so much and do pretty well at it in my opinion, but I know it can wear on you even when it's not being seen by others.
    913 days ago
    Wow prayers and hugs for you. Take,a deep breath and a,few minutes for YOU. YOU deserve it
    913 days ago

    I try not to eat my feelings, but every once in awhile, I feel it coming on. Distraction techniques (going for a walk, etc) work best for me.

    I hope the coming days are better!
    913 days ago
    Wow, what a lot of crap to be dealing with at once! Talk about stressful! I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling with so much at once, and not coping in the ways you'd like yourself to be. I'm doing poorly in that way right now, too. Too much stress, too many impossible deadlines, and of course most of it things I decided myself that I would agree to do. Then wanting to eat or drink in response to the stress. Then stressing because I am regaining weight. Argh. I so wish my auto-response to feeling overwhelmed was to head to the gym, or go for a run or something! Hang in there... I hope things are better for you this week.
    913 days ago
    Hi honey. Awww.......I hate that you are feeling so wonky, ugh! When is this life thing EVER gonna get easier, come ONNNN! All I have to say is YOU are a rock star and YOU are all you ever really need, ya know? People do come and go, sometimes even people who are "supposed" to be loved ones, sobs.....even though it seems very small, please know your sparkies are here and feel ya, big time. HUGS, SD, and I will pray to the karma gods that they give you a MUCH emoticon emoticon better week, k? HUGGIES!!!!!
    913 days ago
  • no profile photo MISTY_MOUNTAINS
    You sound so overwhelmed.... I'm thinking of you. I know it might not seen like much from a friend on the internet, but I am.💜
    913 days ago
    I'll be sending you lots of love. It may be hard right now, but it won't be forever. Keep your head high until you know, deep in your heart, that none of this is your fault and that you're a winner. It'll pass, give it time. In the meantime, we're here.
    913 days ago
    emoticon Oh Andrea - You are not alone in this. Not being a creeper but I wish we lived closer because we are dealing with many of the same issues - only you are on the victory side of one of them. Hang in there and breathe. You will get through this.

    I hope your walk this morning helped to put some energy back in your step and fill the relaxation tank a bit even if you were being active.

    Keep pushing forward!!
    914 days ago
    Oh my gosh! You are overwhelmed! I find that not taking care of me first and not getting enough rest and doing the things I need to do for me can easily overwhelm me. I have to break everything down in small pieces to manage them, that is how you eat an elephant, one bite at a time. emoticon

    Out of curiosity I went to your AML website- Your website rocks!

    Your weight may be up, temporarily, due to the stress, but look how far you have come. Losing 100#'s is a major accomplishment! emoticon

    People do come into our lives for a reason, and sometimes they move on. That is a fact of life with all of us. Don't let those stinky thinking feelings of abandonment take over. You are strong. If you continually feel this way, I would recommend adding another thing to your already busy life, and seeing a counselor to work out the feelings. We can't change the past, but we can focus on the moment and build a beautiful future. I am sure you know this!

    If the cookbook is causing you angst and you are feeling the self imposed deadline, can you break it down and just work on it 15 minutes a day? You could also move the target date. Why did you chose the end of December? Is that realistic?

    Lifting prayers for you to find your mojo again. It is unfortunate that your boss caused employees to flee- but not your circus and not your monkeys! The only thing you can control is you.

    Have a blessed weekend, and get some rest and do something to fill your soul!

    914 days ago
    Some days the best thing you can do is just feel the feelings. Your self awareness will be your salvation. You are only in charge of you. So you allowed yourself some stress eating, and now you'll move on to things that really relieve your stress, so pick up those kettlebells and swing some of that stress away. You got this chicky!

    emoticon Belle
    914 days ago
    My heart goes out to you. I'm holding you in prayer.
    914 days ago
  • ZORO22
    I feel ya girl. I'm not back on track yet after my father's death. Total overload nonstop stress. I do have an appointment with a counselor this week. Gonna try to get back on track with my food. Don't give up :-)
    914 days ago
    914 days ago
    When my life was stressful like that, I did the mistake of turning to food as well. I regained 20 pounds, which I am trying hard to drop now... But, that experience made me stronger for the next time that happens - at least I hope so. I've learned how to do meditation, and the book The Diet Trap Solution made me realize: what I eat in times of stress, contributes to more stress later. So I'm finding new ways to deal with that, like distracting myself with something else. You need to allow yourself at least 15 minutes a day only for your relaxation. Treat is as your job! I still remember your blog about relaxation, listen to your advice - I did and things are better. And GOMYMICHELLE is right - forgiveness. emoticon emoticon
    914 days ago
  • ALICIA363
    We are here for you.
    Sometimes when I write it out, I end up feeling better. Hope that is the case for you.
    Either way, spark people are here.
    Keep feeling those honest emotions, and planning for a better next time (allowing yourself to rest-relax, if only for a short time). You are worth it!
    914 days ago
    Gawd girl, when you stress eat, it isn't even good stuff!! Well, PB is good, but with walnuts and chocolate syrup? Geez, grab a pint of Ben & Jerry's!! Or a bag of chips...moving on...

    You know stress works against you and makes your body hold on to weight...

    Have you tried yoga and meditation?

    You know the only person you have control over? YOU. Focus on you, and listen to the universe. Don't get angry with yourself. None of us is perfect. That's why it's called living life. You won't give up. It isn't your nature. You are a determined, knowledgeable, strong, funny, intelligent, emotional woman.
    914 days ago
    My dear friend, forgive those who have left you. People only stay in our lives for a short time. Forgive yourself. Pray about your current situation. And please don't give up for this too shall pass.
    914 days ago
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