Instability still = reaching for food
Friday, October 14, 2016
Food was my first addiction. I remember being around 5 or 6 years old and reaching into the refrigerator to grab cheese (block) and some crackers (by the sleeve). Or maybe butter on each cracker. Carbs have always been my go to emotional comfort. Eventually, the feeling of being full gave me more satisfaction. That lead to weight gain and childhood humiliation. By my mid teens I found alcohol. But I noticed if I ate a full meal then I didn't get the buzz and numbness from the wine coolers. So, one fateful evening, Amy T-- called me down the hall of my home and taught me how to expel my food. MAGIC ---> eat all I want, no calories.
From then on I have struggled with weight and food in dozens of ways. Long journey short - - - I am now 47. My daily food is really good! It's under control~~until. That's right the proverbial "until".... today something rose up to disturb my stability in the near future. My mind shuts down. I start the "what ifs", I start to worry. I give it to God quickly. I choose to not think about it because i am out of the loop for decision/ outcome purposes. I go for a walk. And what keeps coming to mind every block or so??? The thought of food to eat when I get home. I wasn't hungry before I left. And I'm not hungry now. But all i want to do is nibble. All I want to do is gorge. All I want to do is justify an early lunch of leftover pasta my roommate left behind. I reach for a milky way Carmel miniature and indulge. WTH ... I'm not even a sweets eater!!!
Please Lord take away my instant reflex to want food.
And thank you for the grace that, just for now, I didn't indulge my whims.
So for now, I will give my uncertainty and instability to God.
I will restart my emotional compass and carry on as best I can.