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I'm a difficult person

Friday, October 14, 2016

Tonight my husband came home after he was taken out by a vendor who was trying to sell something to the company he works for. My husband is one of the go to guys that vendors try to schmooze for a sale. Its got its perks. This year, my husband has been taken to several nice restaurants in the area. He spent some time in LA a couple months ago. He was given tickets to a PGA tournament. He's gotten a free pass to play at one of the nicest golf parks in Savannah on Saturday. As for me, I get to stay home with our 4 year old.

Some days I feel like my husband gets to have a nice middle-class life and I feel like a poor single mom who's hair is always a hot mess. I wear t-shirts with food stains on them. No make-up and the same pair of pants everyday because everything else is too small to fit.

I'm about 280 pounds. I'm about 6 pounds away from my highest weight and I hate myself most days. I've tried to devote as much time as I can at home working on different online businesses as I attempt to try and create some kind of a part-time income which doesn't seem to happen. My husband makes good money but our debts are so bad, we basically have very little to live on. As a result, we don't do date nights. I get my hair cut once every six months. The only clothes I get are my mom's Goodwill finds and I'm dying to get out of the house on the weekends only to find myself tired. We've been lucky enough to spare some extra cash for me to get a gym membership but I find myself so frustrated with my business pursuits that I over-eat and pretty much sabotage my exercise efforts.

I recently had a birthday and I'm wondering if I'm accomplishing anything that I've set out to do. I'm not making any money hardly and I'm still very overweight.

I realized the last time I lost 55 pounds I had lots of free time. I was using that time to workout twice a day and cooking my meals. I have about 6 hours of time to myself everyday and I'm thinking I need to put down EVERYTHING and just focus on weight loss for now. My husband thinks I need to prioritize my time. Its tough. I'm difficult. I don't wake any earlier than I need to because I'm tired ALL THE TIME. Often my stomach will keep me up off and on in the night. Its upset or I have to go to the bathroom. I get Joey to school and I feel exhausted so I sometimes end up falling asleep again. So maybe 4 of the six hours I have at home might be productive. When I pick up my son from school, he insists on sitting in my lap or following me in every room of the house. I'm supposed to be enjoying that but I can't because all can think about it what isn't getting done.

I follow alot of people on instagram and the ones who have the most weight loss success are the ones who put the time into it, however much they need. Some don't need a lot. Some work at it all day. For some, its a full-time job. I feel like I fall into the latter. I can't do well at weight loss unless I move some of my other things off the table. I feel like I need those hours in the day for working out and preparing my meals instead of working on a business, even if it does help a little bit with the bills. I feel like my health needs to be a priority. Then I can be better to my family. What do you think?

I have dreams of launching my own products but I don't have the money and I may have to put that on hold until I can get my health in order. Maybe if I can succeed in one area, then it will be mentally easier to succeed in other areas? I don't know

Anyway, this is a vent for now. I tried talking to hubs but he just kind of nods. This is where we are different. Maybe some of you out there will get me. LOL. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I make working out like an appointment. One that is not breakable. It's only an hour out your day you just have to do it.
    917 days ago
    My husband has some perks like that too and I feel left out too a lot. They have company lunches and they get pork chop dinners and pizza and sweets. Sometimes he saves something for me and brings it home and that is nice but generally my lunches are what I can scrape together here. Not very exciting and no treat.

    Your and my wardrobes are the same too. LOL. To be fair, my husband buys the cheapest clothes he can find. He isn't a fashionista. I would have more to wear if I would lose more weight and I intend to. I am down 20-23 pounds.

    Is there any way you can get out from under this debt, like refinancing things? I know I have friends who some how did. I'm not sure if they declared bankruptcy or what but they have less debt now.

    I think that you are probably somewhat depressed. Exercise and eating right will help that. Finding a way to have some fun would too. My advice would be to look for free things to do alone or as a family. Go for a walk, go to the park, have a picnic, go to anything that is free and fun.

    As much as I hate to admit it I think your husband is right about time management. I struggle with it. My husband's boss who died last Fall had a degree in engineering and his specialty was time management. He enjoyed talking to me and I learned a lot from him about the subject. Most people don't manage their time well. At one of my former employers the situation was so bad they brought in a team of time management specialists. I passed muster but lots of people didn't. They restructured the entire place and let tons of people go. I know that I feel best and am happiest when I manage my time well but it is hard to maintain when I don't sleep well or feel sick. Even when things go smoothly it seems like there will be a variable thrown in anyway, like an unexpected problem. So scheduling is necessary but you also have to be ready at a moment's notice to adapt it. It makes it even harder. I'm like you and part of my schedule revolves around someone other persons schedule. I have to get out of bed and immediately fix my hubby's breakfast, make the bed in case we have to feed the chinchillas in it, spot clean the pet cages before my hubby syringe feeds them and they go to bed. I have to put my own needs on hold until these things are done. I can't take a bath, dress, brush my teeth, comb my hair, etc. I know a lot of people think I need to get up earlier to do exercise but that is not going to happen. 6:20 is early enough for me. I have more energy in the morning so I try to do more work then and at 4 I have to fix supper. But the rest of the day I can make my own schedule and I often don't manage it well. I think that both of us would benefit from some structure. Such as when Joey comes home you could spend a set time with him and tell him during that time that you can do whatever he wants and when it is over set him up with another activity he does alone. You need to have a set time for yourself too, a time to do as you please. Have an hour for exercise, an hour for housework, an hour for making money, and couple of hours for meal prep. I think you and I both need a schedule. Seriously. LOL.

    919 days ago
    I know for me, if I don't work out in the morning, I'm tired all day. Try spending 10 minutes every morning being active, even if it's just a brisk walk. Make yourself do it before anything else. Build up your time. :) You can do it!
    919 days ago
    Interesting story,
    920 days ago
    Iteredting story, achieve one thing other, then there will b so many ways to achieve other
    920 days ago
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