I'm a difficult person
Friday, October 14, 2016
Tonight my husband came home after he was taken out by a vendor who was trying to sell something to the company he works for. My husband is one of the go to guys that vendors try to schmooze for a sale. Its got its perks. This year, my husband has been taken to several nice restaurants in the area. He spent some time in LA a couple months ago. He was given tickets to a PGA tournament. He's gotten a free pass to play at one of the nicest golf parks in Savannah on Saturday. As for me, I get to stay home with our 4 year old.
Some days I feel like my husband gets to have a nice middle-class life and I feel like a poor single mom who's hair is always a hot mess. I wear t-shirts with food stains on them. No make-up and the same pair of pants everyday because everything else is too small to fit.
I'm about 280 pounds. I'm about 6 pounds away from my highest weight and I hate myself most days. I've tried to devote as much time as I can at home working on different online businesses as I attempt to try and create some kind of a part-time income which doesn't seem to happen. My husband makes good money but our debts are so bad, we basically have very little to live on. As a result, we don't do date nights. I get my hair cut once every six months. The only clothes I get are my mom's Goodwill finds and I'm dying to get out of the house on the weekends only to find myself tired. We've been lucky enough to spare some extra cash for me to get a gym membership but I find myself so frustrated with my business pursuits that I over-eat and pretty much sabotage my exercise efforts.
I recently had a birthday and I'm wondering if I'm accomplishing anything that I've set out to do. I'm not making any money hardly and I'm still very overweight.
I realized the last time I lost 55 pounds I had lots of free time. I was using that time to workout twice a day and cooking my meals. I have about 6 hours of time to myself everyday and I'm thinking I need to put down EVERYTHING and just focus on weight loss for now. My husband thinks I need to prioritize my time. Its tough. I'm difficult. I don't wake any earlier than I need to because I'm tired ALL THE TIME. Often my stomach will keep me up off and on in the night. Its upset or I have to go to the bathroom. I get Joey to school and I feel exhausted so I sometimes end up falling asleep again. So maybe 4 of the six hours I have at home might be productive. When I pick up my son from school, he insists on sitting in my lap or following me in every room of the house. I'm supposed to be enjoying that but I can't because all can think about it what isn't getting done.
I follow alot of people on instagram and the ones who have the most weight loss success are the ones who put the time into it, however much they need. Some don't need a lot. Some work at it all day. For some, its a full-time job. I feel like I fall into the latter. I can't do well at weight loss unless I move some of my other things off the table. I feel like I need those hours in the day for working out and preparing my meals instead of working on a business, even if it does help a little bit with the bills. I feel like my health needs to be a priority. Then I can be better to my family. What do you think?
I have dreams of launching my own products but I don't have the money and I may have to put that on hold until I can get my health in order. Maybe if I can succeed in one area, then it will be mentally easier to succeed in other areas? I don't know
Anyway, this is a vent for now. I tried talking to hubs but he just kind of nods. This is where we are different. Maybe some of you out there will get me. LOL.