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Birthday Eve

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Tomorrow is my birthday, and for the first time ever, I'm really dreading it.

It started a week ago, when I was texting with my friend whose birthday was Monday, and she said that she thought she'd be further along in life than she was at this point. She's 27 as of Monday. And what have I done with my 34 years? Nothing.

I'm working the same dead-end job I had at my friend's previous age (though with a two-year hell-atus that made the first four months back at this job heaven--the way one's perceptions and framing change is amazing, no?), and I haven't done anything particularly important. I spend my evenings with TV and a dog. I'm overweight and unexceptional in every way. I wish I'd always been this way so my expectations could have been appropriately managed, but I was a precocious kid who learned to read at four, and her future is such a disappointment. Poor tiny BeatleTot. I wish someone had told you how pedestrian you'd turn out.

It's not like I had some great master plan that I was meant to achieve by tonight at midnight. I just thought I'd be further along, financially especially, but career-wise, health-wise (oh, who am I kidding? I mean hot-wise), and happiness-wise. I also thought I still had time for some of the frivolities that I thought I still wanted, but only in the abstract. Like, I wish I could go dancing at Saint-Ex on U Street and not look like (ahem, BE) the oldest one there. Reality is, though, that I do not wish to make the schlep into the city to dance, and I have to be up early in the morning, anyway, to, you know, mow the lawn.

It doesn't help that I found the perfect piece of property to build my house on months ago, and by the time my husband went to go see it and how RIGHT I am, it was under contract. I don't know if I'll find another one as good, and I'm grieving the loss of something that never was.

I started to pull myself out of it a little bit today, when I was responding to several very frustratingly brainless emails from one of my young clients who is also one of my brightest. That's when I realized that if this is the best the world has to offer our future, we are doomed, and it's probably for the best that I'm old. Small comforts...

Oct-Sober is going well. I had my one exception night last night, and I felt HORRIBLE this morning. I ate too much and drank too much. I didn't sleep well last night, because I felt like I had a brick in my stomach, and I felt warm. Even though it sucked, it was kind of a good thing, because it made me realize how bad both of these (overeating and drinking) feel. I am anxious for December 1, when Sobember is over, so I can try having one beer and see if it makes me feel bad, too. Maybe I'll find I can have one without feeling icky, but maybe I won't. I don't have a preference either way, which is interesting, given how much I like beer. Maybe I don't like it as much as I thought.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    BEATLETOT, I'm so sorry you were feeling down on the eve of your birthday. After reading the others' really good, comforting comments, I find I have little else to say to try to make you feel better.

    Except to share my reaction at one statement that really stood out to me--"I'm overweight and unexceptional in every way." No, no no! So not true! I have a lot of evidence, from everything I've read that you've written, both to me and to others, both on your own page and in comments and letters, that you are full of ambition, intelligence, a desire for excellence, a willingness to help others, and--most important--compassion. I always tell my older daughter, who struggles with these same age issues, thinking that she should have accomplished so much more by age 25 (25!!) and living in fear of growing old never having achieved her dream of earning a living from songwriting--it is NEVER too late! I tell myself this, too.

    I think we never figure out exactly why we were born, but it is very possible that the most important thing we came to earth to do might not happen until the very last moment we're alive! Sorry if that sounds too religious or dramatic, but I truly believe it. Every moment, every day is important, no matter now illustrious your career.

    You know, about the property--you will find the best place for you! You will! And you will have your dream house!
    1214 days ago
    I will refrain from a lecture as no one likes a lecture. Not even me. Nope.
    But .....I am thinking of perhaps trying to get your vision more focused ...... starting with .....
    Counting your blessings. ......I know ..........I know .... Cliché? ....No, it really does help.

    #1. You have a husband ....... and he jus got a promotion. ..........(I work around TONS of women who would give their eye teeth for a man .............for a man to look at them ......... let along have him love them and build a life together. ......
    #2. You can explore career options other than what you are doing now. (I started at nearly 30 with two small children) ............ What are you interested in? ......... anything you feel passionate about? ......
    #3. Don't compare yourself to another and Don't knock yourself down ...............Is there a clock ticking that says .........TIMES UP should have been a success before now? ........No is a good day to look within .........and look around at what is right and begin building from there ......
    See, I said I would not lecture. I didn't either. Just looking at things optimistically, that's all. Hope it helped.
    1216 days ago
    Late birthday greetings! Did i miss the party? - sheesh, girl, life is not over at 34 - when I was 35, I moved to Germany and started a whole new chapter. I'm not saying you have to be like me - or anyone else, but I hope that this year, you do take time to love on yourself, enjoy your uniqueness and find purpose, even in the mundane things like mowing the lawn or tracking your food (oops, note to self!) and working toward those healthy goals. Keep pulling...and pushing! Whatever it takes - you're worth it.
    1217 days ago
    I'm 66. I will trade you. I too didn't marry until I was 33. I had my only child a month before I turned 35. I have had RA for over 40 years. My hands and feet look funky, but I am doing the best I can. I can't play sports anymore, so I got into photography. It gives me peace, and I get lost in time when I am out with my dogs hiking, and taking pictures. Find something you love to do, and it will help get your mind off work etc.
    I guess what I am trying to say is. We all have things that happen in our life that isn't fun. But we can do something to make it better.
    1218 days ago
    Brenda, why are you so down on yourself? I am trying to think where I was at your age. I was married at 33 years of age. Wondered if I would ever have children. Had my first son at almost 36 years of age. Started a new company with my dh. I was almost 42 when I had my second son, was working, and couldn't take much time off. Went back to the office the day I was released from the hospital. The baby had jaundice and had to stay in the hospital a few more days. I would go to the hospital to nurse a few times a day. Then, it was time to bring him home. Stayed home for 2 days, then started to go back to the office with baby in tow.......My hectic life had just begun.
    Write down all the things you still want to achieve, then go to work and figure out how to pursue them. You are still so young. Your whole life is still in front of you. My two 'kids' are now 40 and 34 years old, both married, with two children each. I wanted to do a lot of things different in my life, but looking back, now, I am content with my life and I am happy that my 'boys' have successful careers, are both happily married and enjoy and nourish their children.
    1219 days ago
  • LINDA!
    Happy Birthday!! emoticon
    1219 days ago
  • L*I*T*A*
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1220 days ago
    emoticon I hope you will enjoy your birthday. I am hoping getting everything out on paper helped you to feel better about you day. I think you are wonderful!!!
    1220 days ago
    Did writing this make you feel better? Everyone has their own journey. Just bc you don't feel you measure up to whatever standard you think you should be at doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the life you're living. Have a happy birthday!
    1220 days ago

    Despite the fact that you're dreading your birthday, I'm going to wish you emoticon

    You're at the age I returned to school and decided to pursue a college degree. I was unable to make it happen directly out of high school because I could not figure out the financial part of the equation. And, here I am approaching 60 with a degree in physics.

    You may (I say may because we are never guaranteed another moment let alone another day) have many years ahead of you. I hope you can touch into the heart of the four year old Beattle Tot. What were her dreams? How did the world appear through her eyes? May the wonder of that four year old return to you many times over.

    1220 days ago
  • SEAGLASS1215

    Thirty four is YOUNG!! Maybe not to a 19 year old but from my vantage point of 55 years old, yes, being 34 again would be perfect....I would have lots more time to focus on making the changes I am wishing now I had made, I would have been young enough to see them through, I wouldn't find it quite so hard to lose the weight as it is after menopause...I would have gone back to school for my masters in spite of having my kids around (instead of using them for an excuse as to why I couldn't do it)....that property? It was not meant to be yours...things happen for a reason, it might not seem like a good reason right now but something better will come along. Trust me - I know from experience - yes, age does have some positives!
    1221 days ago
    emoticon I wish I was 34 again. Enjoy your day with your husband
    1221 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    It will get better. emoticon
    1221 days ago
    25 hit me hard, I want to say 27 also and 30, I just said "ah screw it" LOL!! ;) I am no stranger to birthday blues and I hope you are able to enjoy your day tomorrow. emoticon
    1221 days ago
  • JUDE1733
    How about you give yourself a birthday present and stop beating yourself up sounds like you're Your Own Worst Enemy :-)
    1221 days ago
  • JUDE1733
    Hi beetle. Wow that was quite a list of negatives you put on here, do you have any positives to say about yourself because I do. You have a friend, you have a job you're only 34, you're important, you're smart you have a husband to name a few.
    1221 days ago
    emoticon FOR TOMORROW.
    1221 days ago
    Happy Early Birthday ! emoticon
    1221 days ago
    1221 days ago
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