Thursday, October 13, 2016
Tomorrow is my birthday, and for the first time ever, I'm really dreading it.
It started a week ago, when I was texting with my friend whose birthday was Monday, and she said that she thought she'd be further along in life than she was at this point. She's 27 as of Monday. And what have I done with my 34 years? Nothing.
I'm working the same dead-end job I had at my friend's previous age (though with a two-year hell-atus that made the first four months back at this job heaven--the way one's perceptions and framing change is amazing, no?), and I haven't done anything particularly important. I spend my evenings with TV and a dog. I'm overweight and unexceptional in every way. I wish I'd always been this way so my expectations could have been appropriately managed, but I was a precocious kid who learned to read at four, and her future is such a disappointment. Poor tiny BeatleTot. I wish someone had told you how pedestrian you'd turn out.
It's not like I had some great master plan that I was meant to achieve by tonight at midnight. I just thought I'd be further along, financially especially, but career-wise, health-wise (oh, who am I kidding? I mean hot-wise), and happiness-wise. I also thought I still had time for some of the frivolities that I thought I still wanted, but only in the abstract. Like, I wish I could go dancing at Saint-Ex on U Street and not look like (ahem, BE) the oldest one there. Reality is, though, that I do not wish to make the schlep into the city to dance, and I have to be up early in the morning, anyway, to, you know, mow the lawn.
It doesn't help that I found the perfect piece of property to build my house on months ago, and by the time my husband went to go see it and how RIGHT I am, it was under contract. I don't know if I'll find another one as good, and I'm grieving the loss of something that never was.
I started to pull myself out of it a little bit today, when I was responding to several very frustratingly brainless emails from one of my young clients who is also one of my brightest. That's when I realized that if this is the best the world has to offer our future, we are doomed, and it's probably for the best that I'm old. Small comforts...
Oct-Sober is going well. I had my one exception night last night, and I felt HORRIBLE this morning. I ate too much and drank too much. I didn't sleep well last night, because I felt like I had a brick in my stomach, and I felt warm. Even though it sucked, it was kind of a good thing, because it made me realize how bad both of these (overeating and drinking) feel. I am anxious for December 1, when Sobember is over, so I can try having one beer and see if it makes me feel bad, too. Maybe I'll find I can have one without feeling icky, but maybe I won't. I don't have a preference either way, which is interesting, given how much I like beer. Maybe I don't like it as much as I thought.