Once Upon a Time...Redeeming My Confidence In Self

Monday, October 10, 2016



After last week's Stroke-Evoking-doctor's -visit, (no, I didn't really have a stroke. This is figurative language - huh, yeah. 'I FIGURED I had lost 20+lbs when it was only 5.) (I refer you to the last few blogs)
After last week's shocking revelation...and recovery, lol, I have a few things to say.

I find myself struggling FRANTICALLY to regain my confidence. I feel like I woke up from a really good dream and can't pin point what is REAL or UNreal. I go back and forth in my thinking.
I feel like I desperately need to get a firm-foothold on my thoughts and my self-confidence.
I looked up the word Redeem, because that somehow describes what I'm trying desperately to do.
The FIRST definition seems suitable when applied to the situation:

1.compensate for the faults or bad aspects of (something):
"a disappointing debate redeemed only by an outstanding speech"
save, compensate for the defects of, vindicate

WHAT is the fault or bad aspect? Well, MY scale weighed me 19 lbs LESS than the Doc's scale. This would have been enormously cool if I had gotten on HER scale first, lol, THEN mine. But ...not the case. emoticon
So to quote the above sample,
"a disappointing 'weight recording' REDEEMED only by...." By WHAT?

Well, I'll TELL you:
" my fitness achievements and other healthy actions that I've UNDOUBTEDLY accomplished."
You CAN'T take the following things away from me.
1. I've gone swimming several times a week EVERY POSSIBLE WEEK, for 1, 2 or 3 hours at a time since June (and really since last October)
2. I've strength trained.
3. I've stayed in or very close to my caloric ranges probably 85-90% of the time. exceptions were after recovering from sickness or T.O.M.
4. I've learned so much about health and fitness.
5. I've STILL been CONSISTENT which was ACTUALLY my MAIN GOAL when I began.


The SECOND definiton might be a stretch when applied:
2. gain or regain possession of (something) in exchange for payment:
"his best suit had been redeemed from the pawnbrokers"
retrieve, regain, recover, get back, reclaim, ...

I feel like my confidence was stolen from me and I'm trying to retrieve it, regain, it, reclaim it and Get it Back.
I don't think I REALLY will, until I see a 1 lb. loss. (yes, that's all I need! a 1 lb loss. lol)
That hoped-for-1 lb -loss will be the 'pinch-me-so-I-know-I'm-awake' moment.

The numbers on a scale are just RELATIVE, - having meaning or significance ONLY in relation to something else. NOT ABSOLUTE.
Yes, the scales were different. But BOTH say I am over 200 and under 250. Okay they found common ground. So be it.
BUT...what IS absolute are
*all the workouts, swimming and otherwise, that I've ALREADY DONE. I've already deposited in my health bank. NO one, NOTHING, can take that away from me.
*What IS a fact are my MUSCLES. They are CURRENTLY obvious, which means, my W/O'S are CURRENT. Which means I. HAVE. BEEN. ACTIVE. IN THE PAST, AS WELL AS IN RECENT DAYS. You don't get muscles, by dreaming them.
*WHAT is ABSOLUTE is the FACT that a particular route that I hate to walk, has recently become EASILY ACHIEVABLE. Despite the hill I loathe, that used to set my heart pounding until it worried me.
THESE ARE FACTS, that can NOT be pulled out, like a rug, from beneath me.

For one thing, there's a bad thing about scales. They get out of whack and need to be re-calibrated.
It's a WONDERFUL thing that TAPE MEASURES do not have this need. So I also join experienced achievers in suggesting we take sparkpeople's advice and trust the TAPE MEASURE when in doubt of weight loss.

The ABSOLUTE TRUTH is I have done NOTHING wrong. The numbers on the two scales were simply gauging differently and it led us to believe that I had lost more pounds than I did. I was still burning calories. I was still getting fit.
The DIFFERENCE was in the EXAMINER, not myself.
Have you ever noticed how 2 different teachers can give you two different grades on an Essay? The examiners have different views of what they consider well-written.
HOPEFULLY you get the TEACHER whose writing style is similar to your own, lol, but we aren't always that lucky. I guess the best view to take is
Did 'I' like the essay I wrote?. If not, find a way to improve it. But if I DID like the essay, than I can rest at peace with my achievement.

And THAT'S what I'm trying to do.

I can't REPEAT something I've experienced enough to you fellow sparkers.
I chose to go ahead with my swim that day, after the doc's appointment. (I guess many people might have hit that snag of 'Well, I failed, it's not working, so I quit". But I took my
daughters (who I like to call ' My Miss Fits' because they are getting so active along side me) to the pool and I admit I was still steamed. But when I approached the Pool Door and saw the 100-mile Swim Challenge plaque hanging on the wall nearby, my heart LEAPED.
A weight (unfortunately not MINE, lol LOL) fell off me like a lumpy burden and I felt such RELIEF and even EXCITEMENT! I had realized that my swim goal, had NOTHING to do with whether or not I had lost weight. It had only to do with MILEAGE. The day did not have to be a failure, because I had OTHER GOALS on my plate! ANY LAP I achieved was 1 lap closer to 100 miles! Woohoo!

I was actually relieved enough to ALMOST cry about it.

The other day, a plaque I had bought last year, caught my eye.
"We're Responsible for the EFFORT, not the OUTCOME."
So. true. And RELEVANT to my week. I'm grateful to have these little reminders around my home and I encourage you to place some of your own around YOUR house.

Well, I had told you all that I would upload my new rearranged weight loss chart and some of you may have seen it in my feed. I'm having trouble getting it to upload HERE, but you can find it in My Photos. Yeah yeah yeah, I know I didn't HAVE to rewrite it, but I just wanted to be as REAL as possible when reviewing my year. My former blogs remain the same, with the numbers I had THOUGHT I had achieved.

Lastly, I want to express the importance of having EXPERIENCED Sparkfriends, who have already reached some difficult weight-loss goals. I can't tell you how much they have been important to me, because I know I can go to them and ask, "HEY...did THIS ever happen to you? What's going on?" and I know they will offer me the comfort of LOGIC and HOPE.

So....I'm gonna need some support from you all as I wait for that "one-pound' loss- the one that will assure me I'm not still stuck in a dream.

Thanks for your friendship and support, These journeys can be CRAZY. I'm so glad you are along for the er...WALK.

Be blessed and continue to BE a blessing,

P.S. So....I had a dream the other morning just before I woke up. I apparently was reading an article about an actress and the actress was referring to her son....whose name she shared with the readers.
Now, DON'T ASK ME how I can be so CREATIVE IN MY SLEEP, but I assure you, this is what my brain created.

Her son's name was 'TWILIGHT UTENSIL'.

P.S. again. I forgot about this comment I posted on a friend's blog and I thought it fitting to add to today's blog.
These are Scaleless Measurements of Improvement I've had.
1. The six block route I usually HATE to take, because the hill home made my chest pound drastically, and my bones ache, was taken this week and I found that I could DO IT!!!!
2. I can take deeper, fuller breaths.
3. I don't have the usual aches and pains. Rarely need pain reliever.
4. My beautiful developing arm muscles I lovingly named The Bold and The Beautiful are now obvious.
5. My hands are thinner. My wedding ring is fitting better.
6. I can see my collar bones (squeal!)
7. My reflection no longer repulses me.
8. I can chase after my kids easier.
9. I can do 16 laps in the pool without feeling my heart pound. Last year at this time, my heart pounded at the end of 1/2 a lap.
10. I can STAND for a very long time without needing or DYING to SIT!
11. And I feel confident that I can achieve goals.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are doing fantastic .....Keep up the great work!
    1705 days ago
  • DGHAG66
    Love this blog, you have accomplished a lot
    1708 days ago
    Since I began the 100 Mile Challenge on June 10th, I have swum 512 laps! That is 16 miles. A long way from 100, but I didn't expect to reach 100 until next spring. I have now gone from achieving 8 laps regularly to a more common 16 laps per pool visit. Minimum. I've done that for maybe a week and a half.
    I know many others can hit MANY, MANY more laps at a time than I do, but I'm excited for ME. It's been about 1 yr since I chose to pick up swimming regularly.

    When I reach 25 laps, I will have earned a restaurant gift certificate. Getting close to THAT!
    1710 days ago
    I've "liked" your blog. This is beautiful, Susanski! emoticon Heartfelt. Honest.

    I am SO PROUD of you and hope your confidence comes pouring back to you in spades! emoticon What I am most proud about is the fact that you did not throw in the towel and resort to comfort eating. It would have been so easy to respond in such a manner and you CHOSE not to do this to yourself. You value yourself that much. So, congratulations! When hunger isn't the problem, food is not the answer.

    Keep focusing on the accomplishments free of two differently calibrated scales. You are so spot on ... what the scales have to say will NEVER take away your accomplishments.

    Keep reminding yourself of what you've accomplished. So, how many miles to go before we celebrate that 100 miles of swimming? emoticon We're celebrating how many inches lost? emoticon And, the BOLD and the BEAUTIFUL? emoticon

    Truly ... emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1711 days ago
    Yup, we need goals that have absolutely nothing to do with what some scale says we weigh....
    pool laps.... weight lifted... distance walked/jogged/run.. just for some ideas to start.

    1711 days ago
    1711 days ago
  • PROVERBS3128
    Congratulations! It sounds like you have and are working through this challenge and that you
    are definitely coming out on the winning side. I still think you have done some reshaping which you
    will be so glad for on down the road. We are here for you! Love and prayers,
    1711 days ago
  • TAMIP62
    I have to maintain that I agree with what I said on your other post, and it mirrors what Rashellesky is saying, when it comes to your scale.

    However, it doesn't really matter which way you decide to look at it, what does matter is that you have WON... you have made a huge leap into success by not letting any setback, perceived or otherwise, stop you from continuing, from finding the non-scale successes, and from working toward a healthier you. That's true success that will last the long haul.

    Huge congrats on taking up the swim challenge--and I smiled at you calling your daughters "Miss Fits", not only have you carved out your own personal victory in continuing, you have done something even greater, you've helped ensure your daughters have a legacy of health and wise choices to build on, and continue for themselves. So see... your successes are also what you have passed on, and what you are teaching them about perseverance, pride and health. That's a true success... the rest will follow, and that next pound WILL come.
    1711 days ago
    About the scale.. scales can be tricky and especially when trying to weigh in on 'other scales' that you didn't start on... If your own scale started you out at some point and you are now at another lower number on your scale, I would presume you 'did' lose that weight... I know that if I went up to my doctor's scale rt now it most likely wouldn't be the same as mine.

    I'd say don't let that frustrate you but I know how aggravating it can be.. All I will say is stick to one scale and use those numbers to reflect the hard work you are doing.
    1711 days ago
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