On August 18th, I started working with a dietician to help me mindfully focus back in on nutrition and movement as a way to lose weight. Let me tell you, losing weight is hard enough but if you add an eating disorder into the mix, it's like renegotiating what you ever learned or heard or read. It's a completely different ballgame, looking at food from the perspective of "all things in moderation" vs. good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. Everything has a place, even DQ ice cream cake. Seriously.
I have set up and negotiated some boundaries/guidelines with her during this piece of my journey. We agreed on the following:
1. I won't weigh myself at home
2. She will weigh me in at the appointments every other week, but not tell me how much I weigh.
3. If I gained weight, she will simply say "no change"
4. If I lost weight, she will let me know that I lost X amount of pounds.
After 6+ weeks with this agreement, it feels like it was the right one to have made. I actually feel less crazy not knowing what I weigh, but still feel accountable because she is communcating if I have made progress, or not.
After the initial appointment, there was no change. Disappointing, but I wasn't putting in any effort either. I was really there partially for compliance, partially because I want change. I've been fighting working with a dietician for the last 4+ years of my eating disorder therapy because I figured I knew everything there was to know. After all, I had done it before, I could do it again. Right? Well... it does turn out I have a very strong base of information, but it's not an information gap that I have issues with, it's a doing gap.
After the third appointment, I lost 0.5 pounds. Crappy, about lost my mind hearing that. I was thinking "If I lose 0.5 pounds every two weeks, I will be doing this for the next 10 years". I also worked very hard on trying to tell myself "0.5 pounds is better than no pounds, Paula".
At my appointment on Thursday, I weighed in again. It's been 3 weeks since my last appointment, and that included a week where I was on vacation and had time to focus on me and the choices I was making. I even got in some hiking (pic below). It was week from hell before I left, a week off, and then a week from hell upon my return to work. However, hearing that I had a "significant decrease" over the past 3 weeks was just what I needed to boost my motivation to keep doing this. I asked her how much I had lost and she said...drumroll please...7.2 pounds! I was expecting maybe 4.5 pounds or something (have to keep it realistic given what I know about myself), but seriously... 7.2 pounds in 3 weeks!
During the last 3 weeks, that wasn't even the biggest victory that I had. I bought, and ate in moderation, a DQ ice cream cake. That is HUGE for me... I've been working up to that moment for 4+ years.
I also committed to two of my friends to reclaim the last several years and participate in the Get Lucky 7K in March, regardless if I run, walk or do something in between. But to run again, which is my ultimate goal, I need to stay active so I have purchased a 12-class package at a local fitness studio that does Nia and BollyX so I can go to one of those classes at least 1x week. But that's not all, early last month I signed myself up for latin dance classes through community ed, so I have those going now-November as well. And, I am going to be walking the Turkey Trot 5K on Thanksgiving morning even though my friends won't go with me.
What is all of this for? All of this is designed so I will be ready to take the Running Room's Learn To Run class in January, so I can gradually work towards starting and increasing my running over the first 10 weeks of the year to be better prepared for the Get Lucky 7K.
As you can see, there is a method to my madness.
It's strange, I am no where near where I want to be and no where near to where I was, but I am feeling content knowing that I am working towards something again. It may come slower this time around, but it will be sustainable.