SUSANSKI

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Once Upon a Time...An Emergency Blog Regarding Emotional Devastation lol

Tuesday, October 04, 2016

I don't even know where to begin, but BEGIN I must. (this is just about my weightloss journey, so don't panic that something TERRIBLE has happened to me and mine.)

I'm so ANGRY.
DISAPPOINTED.
CRUSHED.
DEVASTATED.

But, ironically, Mrs. Doc is DELIGHTED.

I'M so ANGRYYYYY that I could SPIT!
And guess what this is regarding. Yeah.... the stinkin' SCALE!!! AGAIN!

Okay, so I'm going to walk you through my day, because it's the EMOTIONAL UPS AND DOWNS that we are all relating to.
And then I'll 'GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON' with some positive comments. And a PLEA FOR EMOTIONAL AND MORAL SUPPORT.

Today is my ONE YEAR appointment from the beginning of my CONSISTENCY JOURNEY.
I've been DYING for this appointment since August, when I began making remarkable strides. The swimming, the Fiber.....all that was helping me sooooo much.
I decided to have Hubby take my measurements.

Devastation #1.
Even though the month of September was focused on my ABS, I actually GAINED inches in my chest (under my arms and around), my bust, my waist, and my hips. !!!!!!!
The two places I THOUGHT would go up, went DOWN! My LEGS and my UPPER ARMS.
I was surprised the arms went down because I've increased my weights to 4 lbs and the muscles are really popping.
* This kind of unpredictably really BREAKS me. I so wish that I can work on something and get the predicted results, but I never seem to do that! It's very FRUSTRATING for me and it really UNSETTLES me. I don't like 'anything goes' scenarios. If I work hard, I expect to see some POSITIVE results.
That began my day.

DEVASTATION #2
Well, Hubby and i decided to skip breakfast so that we can compare the doctor's scale to OUR scale. We both weighed ourselves in the full clothing we would wear to the doc's office.
We were both unreasonably nervous. I say 'unreasonably' because that's what People of Fitness Experience would say.
We each KNEW we had something to be PROUD of, but we were STILL SCARED, because you just never know what the doc's scale is going to report.
So MY scale said 211 again, for the 3rd day in a row. Which means I lost 35 pounds.
Woohoo, Right?

I'm so sad! The nurse QUICKLY weighed me and, I tell you the truth, I saw it say, 235! TWO. THIRTY. FIVE!!!!!!!!!! Whattt?????? 211 compared to 235.
Now THAT is devastation if there is a definition for it.
I figured and HOPED that I read it wrong. I silently got off the scale, looked at my hubby and made room for HIM to step up.
I just walked away into the examination room and sat down. So dejected. I couldn't think of a reasonable explanation.
Hubby came in and was just as bummed. It weighed him 19 pounds HIGHER than our own scale.
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So Mrs. Doc came in and when that subject came up, IMMEDIATELY, I told her that I had thought I had lost about 20 lbs since I was here last (235 was my August 1 wt) and that I just didn't understand how the two scales could possibly be so different!
Remember that on June 3rd I weighed 230 and she was wowed by the fact that I had lost 10lbs in 6 weeks and I flat up didn't believe that? And then, after working my butt off (or so I thought, lol) for a whole month swimming for 2hrs at a time for most days of the weeks of June, I GAINED 8 lbs.
And THAT was when I learned to begin thinking Scientifically- I KNEW with absolute certainty that I had done VERY well that month. I even lost 6 inches.
And then on the Aug 1st appointment, I had only lost 3 more lbs.
Now TWO months have gone by and the scale......GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ARGGGGGHHH!

So she explained that she uses her scale and the office scale on herself and they have always been pretty close.
She took me back to the scale to double check.
This time she got 232.
I was soooooo annoyed. bummed. hurt. disappointed. and about to face reality.
Then she took me to a whole other room and let me try a DIGITAL SCALE they had.
I get on THAT one....hoping hoping hoping.....against hope.
It said 228 or 9.
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Do you know how SAD that makes me?

Now the REALITY is (and I'm trying madly to accept this truth) is that I LOST 5 WHOLE POUNDS since I was there last.
And Hubby lost 13.
It's not the DOCTOR'S fault that we were mislead by false numbers.
The DOCTOR said,
"I am sooo glad. My patients are doing well!" (She's a sweet little Eastern Indian woman and has a way with words. ;) )
Funny how SHE could be so DELIGHTED and I was so crushed.

Meanwhile, my BP was like 140something which I consider HIGH for being on meds. So I asked if I should increase my dose. SHE thinks my wt loss will help adjust it down. I guess she has faith in me.
Hubby was able to get off HIS BP meds completely.
The OTHER ironic, unpredictable thing that took place was that his sugar has gone up a bit. Now- he has probably eaten the best he's ever done. And NOW it shows up. He's been getting more EXERCISE...all that. I HATE HATE HATE unpredictability!

So, MRS. Doc is delighted. Susanski is discouraged. Almost. I'm crushed, but not defeated. I'm bruised but not broken.
So I asked her to look through my history and tell me again the weight i was last year at this time. And SHE said it was 252. (I had it written as 246 here on spark. which, yeah...was PROBABLY MY scales reading. sarcastically said).

So now, though MRS. DOC is ecstatic about our accomplishments, in MY mind I'm thinkin',
"HOW AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN ALL THESE NUMBER CHANGES TO MY SPARK PEOPLE?? EVEN MY BEGINNING WEIGHT IS MESSED UP. HOW AM I GOING TO STRAIGHTEN OUT ALL THESE NUMBERS???"

I had THOUGHT I lost 35 pounds in one year.
Instead it is 'only' 22 pounds.
I could cry. And I MIGHT. (the day's not over)
But SHE said, "No no no. This is GOOD. You don't WANT to lose too quickly, because then your skin can't adjust. Losing THIS way, will help your skin keep up with the weight loss. This is good!"
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still.

So we go home (me in the passenger's seat ranting and raving and knowing in the back of my mind -in a far corner, covered in cobwebs- that she is right. But it was SUCH a bummer.)
and have to announce it to our kids, who knew we were excited when we left.

Hubby tells the boys to bring up the weights from the workout room and he placed them a couple at a time on the scale to see how badly it was off.
IT WAS EXACT! ALL THE WAY UP TO 90 LBS.
What in the WORLD?????
So even THAT ticked us off.
So the YMCA is only 2 minutes away and we decided to go down there and weigh ourselves since the scale is like the Doc's.
I had an employee help ME, since I'm a newbie at this.
It said, 227+. !!!!!!!!

REALITY HIT. The doc's scale must be accurate. OUR scale must be designed to amuse and abuse.
So instead of being SOOOOO CLOSE to 199 (at 211 lbs) I am now SOOOO FAR AWAY FROM IT that I don't think I can even hit that goal THIS year.
waaaaahhh! emoticon
And the same with Hubby's weight. It did the same for him.

I guess what we are to assume is that our home scale is ACCURATE TO A CERTAIN WEIGHT, and then it goes bezerk. ??

DEVASTATION #3
Now MEANWHILE, during these two WEIGHING field trips, I get a call from my sister, giving me bad news about my Mom's arm. She had an elbow replacement and when they looked at it today, 4 weeks later, it revealed that she has a Silver Dollar sized HOLE in her elbow! And her BONE is showing. Which requires either a vaccuum attached to her arm for weeks, or for surgery, which my mom is not healthy enough for. So I'm already bummed about my HIGHER MEASUREMENTS, MY MOM'S BAD ARM, AND NOW MY "MIRAGE" OF A WEIGHTLOSS ACHIEVEMENT.

I know that you will cyber-weep with me, because you know how this feels, and I KNOW that you will summon some encouragement to the forefront of your mind, but before you do....think of THIS!!!!!
230 is what I am today, by Doc's scale.
And 230 is what I was on June 3rd, by Doc's scale.

Isn't that HEARTBREAKING WITH BOLD LETTERS AND CAPITALS????

My 11 year old daughter came to my rescue with the Spark Intelligent Comment:
"But Mom, you STILL. HAVE. YOUR. MUSCLES!!!!!!"

That helped me a lot because she analyzed that with her own young brain. And it's TRUE! I AM still building muscles at the same time as burning fat. It's just busy balancing out right now.
and the INCHES gained, are probably explained by muscles being built and reshaping my body.
But STILL!!!!! WHINE.

Okay. I have to shake myself off (or just go take a SHOWER, because this filth of a bad mood is pretty thorough) and I have decided to go back through ALLLLLL MY NUMBERS AND REWORK everything so that ONLY my Doc's scale is recorded here from now on.
(and I'll check in every few days at the YMCA and use THEIR scale to keep me in line.
My NEXT appointment is not until Dec. 13. A really long way away. But THAT appointment will include BLOODWORK, so that oughta be interesting. (I'm not EVEN going to get my hopes up though.)

So, folks, when you see some changes on my page with my tracker and weight loss recordings, that is what is going on.
I'm kinda 'starting fresh!" When I look at it THAT way, I feel better about myself and the whole stink'n situation.
Another thing that bummed me was that THIS pushes back my whole weight loss goal date to over a YEAR AWAY! That makes me sad! But it should be 3 months before I turn 50, so that would be nice.

So for the record.
I began last October 5th at 252. BMI of 43.3.
I am now, as of Oct. 4th 2016, 230. BMI of 39.6
A 22 pound loss.
I set my goal at losing 1.5 pounds a week and my NEW goal date is Nov. 28, 2017
Ultimately, my mid Bmi range goal is 226, but I entered 140 as my goal. Because the lower numbers feel hopeless right now. And 140 is near the high end of the healthy zone for me (110-145).

So, that's all folks. I sorely need back up, encouragement and sympathy. I hope to be back to 'normal' by next Monday's blog.

Be blessed and BE a blessing,
~Susan...ski
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Edited in:
I also want to add that, when I went to the pool today, A sudden joy came over me when I realized that my Swim Challenge had NOTHING TO DO WITH WEIGHT LOSS! But instead focused on LAPS! It was a wonderfully FREEING and EMPOWERING realization. I COULD succeed today! And I did 16 laps instead of just 8. ;) Sparkpeople leaders knew what they were talking about when they say to set challenges that have nothing to do with the scale. THANK YOU, SPARK PEOPLE!

Also, I would like to share that I HAVE NOT CAVED IN to EATING for COMFORT tonight. It REALLY would have been a perfect day for overeating. But, I KNOW , that though LOSING ONLY 5 LBS didn't HURT me, OVEREATING will DEFINITELY sabotage my efforts.
Mama? I'm GROWIN' up. lol
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • RAYLINSTEPHENS
    NO NO NO!!!

    If your scale was accurate to the weights - quit kicking yourself.

    Even if it wasn't - quit kicking yourself.

    My Doctor's scale (at his office) weighs less! I told him, people will think they've lost weight and go out and celebrate. He knew it was off but the clinic won't let it be readjusted. The clinic says it's fine and accurate.

    I said, Doc, naked as the day I came into this world on my scale has me 5 lbs heavier than here, after breakfast, and thankfully (for other people) fully dressed!

    So what is worse? A Doctor's Office Scale that is at least 5 lbs too low, or a scale that is registering too high?

    P.S. Found this due to your comment on DianeDoesSmile's page.
    1534 days ago
  • FLORIDASUN
    Hey...those muscles weigh more than fat. Give yourself 'muscle' credit! emoticon
    1706 days ago
  • SENIORSAXLADY
    I am so sorry for all the ups and downs you have had concerning scales and weight. I hate the fact that every scale is different. I have a Weight Watcher's digital scale and I must say it's accurate as I weigh the same at the Weight Watcher's meeting Monday mornings. I always wear very light capris and a light top every week. What you wear makes a difference too.

    I wish you all the best with health issues and other family difficulties as well.

    Thanks for adding me as your friend as well. emoticon

    Elayne
    1716 days ago
  • PAMJTAV
    You are one of US! I hate to weigh so much that I have made a commitment that I WILL weigh every second Friday. I detest it. But I will. I too am really excited about the prospect of getting under 200--this time I started at 240. Now I am at 216. But they are just numbers. Right??
    1717 days ago
  • BETHSNOW61
    That just stinks! Your weight loss mirage and your moms elbow...what's up with that? I hope she's doing ok. Keep me updated please.
    As far as your weight loss...you can do it, you know you can. Be very cautious of every thing you put in your mouth; how much fat are you eating, how much sugar, fried foods, too much carbs...everything! You'll make your goal! I'm proud of you Suser!
    emoticon
    Bethers
    1718 days ago
  • METOBE
    What a tee-totally disgusting thing to have happen to you. Awful.
    But I see some real positives here in your behaviors and that's what will count in the long run. You're continuing with your healthy behavior of swimming and other exercise. You did not turn to food for comfort. You realized that it's good to have behavior-oriented goals that YOU can control.
    Kudos on not getting disgusted and throwing in the towel but in continuing to do the things you know you need to do to reach your long term goals. In the end, you WILL defeat that ridiculously unreliable, sadistic ole scale!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1719 days ago
  • PROVERBS3128
    Thanks for your response, how sweet. I also know how scales can change, AND, I don't need it
    to be a scale issue for it to play games with my head. Sometimes they stall and start going up,
    but I have to realize my body doesn't go by scientific equations. No matter what doctors say!
    I just wanted you to see all that was happening though.....and its much easier to see those things
    when they are not happening to you personally. I wish you the best!
    1720 days ago
  • CRADLEY
    I can understand how you are discouraged, but remember the 22 pounds that you DID lose. Plus the muscle, strength and endurance you have gained over the past year. Maybe try using your measurements as a guide and don't rely on the scale so much to indicate your progress.

    Good luck!!
    1720 days ago
  • 75HEALTHYME
    Sorry the 'Scale' is giving you such a hard time..

    There is a SparkPeople team called "100 days of Weight Loss by Linda Spangle"--
    you might like to check it out.. team is often referred to as 100DWL ..

    Remember the number on any scale is 'just a number' ...
    It seems as though if you got weighed on the same scale every 15 minutes all day long.. the number would most probably change every time even when you cannot find any reason whatsoever of why.
    --but then, what do I know.

    1720 days ago
  • PROVERBS3128
    Greetings! I "still" think you lost...you lost fat instead of weight. The whole scale thing, that I can't
    explain. We have gotten some really nice digital scales and they measure really close to the doctors
    and they measure consistently so far. I don't let the grandchildren play with them because as soon as
    they do, they seem to weigh out of kilter for a while.
    But, if I am hearing your right, your problem with all your effort is you have burned away fat, but you
    have also been working out to the point that its building up muscle. Every bit of muscle you built
    weight twice as much as fat. So you are reshaping your whole body, putting in muscle tone, nice
    curves, etc. You are doing the detailing work now, underneath any fat that is still there.
    I met a lady that I hadn't seen for a while, and even thought I am grossly overweight, I am not jealous
    of a person's weight loss, I get excited for them. She had lost enough I almost walked right past her.
    I didn't even know she was trying. She looked fantastic. But, when I complimented her she started
    to cry, I asked what was wrong......she said she worked and worked and worked and only lost 16 pounds.
    I (like an idiot) argued with her, I knew she had lost 50 or more pounds. She said no. Here she had
    gone to the gym every day and worked out hard. She built muscle mass, she toned her body, but she
    was solid hard muscle, she dropped 3 or 4 dress sizes, it was amazing. But since the scales didn't
    show the results she was devastated and didn't see how pretty she was, and healthy. Once you have
    that much muscle mass, it usually makes it easier for your body to burn off the fat in the future, because
    not only does muscle weigh more than the same amount of fat, it also burns calories at a higher level.
    So, you have started reshaping your body! Congrats!
    You are moving on to a healthier you! Congrats!
    Even your children notice it! Congrats!
    You are influencing your children! Congrats!
    You are stoking your body to be a fat=burning machine! Congrats!
    And, I think you said your clothes are looser! Congrats!!!
    I can't help but envy you!!!! Keep up the good work~~ Love and prayers......
    1720 days ago
  • CARBMONSTERII
    Scales are unpredictable critters (they get more inaccurate the higher the weight being measured, did you know that?) Scales are not to be trusted or relied on. What you CAN trust is your senses. Do you feel better than a year ago? Are you stronger? (remember that a pound of muscle is a whole lot smaller than a pound of fat!). Can you walk/swim/exercise for longer than a year ago? Everything is relative, so the scale numbers are not the best way to measure, IMHO. Focus on what you've accomplished, which sounds like a LOT to me. I have lost a whopping 4 pounds in 2 years. But I don't care. I feel better. I am making 'way better food choices. I am calmer in my mind. I believe (sometimes) that I am "good enough". Progress is a very personal, individualized thing. Be sure you look hard for all the signs of progress you've made. Don't overlook the magic and beauty of the rainbow because you are busy being sad that it rained!
    1720 days ago
  • MARINGAL
    Rom the beginning, February 2015, numbers never took a major role in my life. What did was to feel good, love life and expand my horizon to healthy choices. It has been one helluva ride!!!!
    1720 days ago
  • MARINGAL
    As soon as it sunk in that this journey was going to be a life long voyage; I decided right then and there I wasn't going to to anything that I couldn't the rest of my life. That included be obsessed about the scale and measurements!
    1720 days ago
  • JEANKNEE
    emoticon So sorry, Susanski. You have experienced so many positive changes. Please do not allow a scale reading to deflate you. Stand tall. Be proud. You have much to be proud of ... successful weight loss, consistency, major fitness improvements, muscle building, positive role model for your children, and you managed all of this while dealing with some challenging injuries. You have managed all of this while supporting family members through their health challenges. You deserve credit for so many things.

    I understand the frustration. Like you, I do not like unpredictability either. Shake it off. And, give 'er a good growl, if need be.

    You're the emoticon
    1720 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11945874
    Susan ........ The best support and encouragement I can offer is this;
    KEEP YOUR EYES on your goals and focus on making healthy choices, swapping old habits for new habits that will do something good for you and keep your eyes OFF the scale! That thing can be punishing and all it brings is misery and not realizing ALL you have accomplished!!! ......... let it go and let a new day begin in the morning with blessings ......... and a clear focus.
    1720 days ago
  • SUSANSKI
    Thank you, TODAYIAM, I guess I just have to pretend like I've never weighed myself at home and only look at Doc's information.

    Thanks, DSBRIDE! My clothes are getting baggy and sloppy. I actually just THREW away a shirt that looked ridiculous on me. Instead of hoping it might look better later, i just tossed it. And my 10 year old said, 'SERIOUSLY, Mom. You are getting so skinny! " And turned me around and showed me where she was talking about. Sweet thing.
    I also want to add that, when I went to the pool today, A sudden joy came over me when I realized that my Swim Challenge had NOTHING TO DO WITH WEIGHTLOSS! But instead focused on LAPS! It was a wonderfully FREEING and EMPOWERING realization. I COULD succeed today! And I did 16 laps instead of just 8. ;)

    BHARRISONO, I hate them, too. That's why I busted up my digital scale and mailed it in pieces to my spark friend out of state. lol
    1720 days ago
  • LUCASMOM2016
    Your on the right track, keep it up!!! You will get where you want to be. Just have faith. Sounds like your doing a great job!!!
    1720 days ago
  • LUCASMOM2016
    I've read so many blogs today about scales...how they run our lives. I know this is discouraging and it breaks your heart, but your 11 year old is right. Maybe instead of taking it as a hit...be happy you didn't gain 22 lbs by doing nothing all yr.
    1720 days ago
  • BHARRISONO
    I hate scales. I also hate to track when I go overboard which helps me avoid overeating.
    1720 days ago
  • DSBRIDE
    Oh how I sympathize with you after having been through the same thing. But you have to look at it this way, you still lost weight, you are healthier now than ever before and you have muscles working for you now. Don't let the scale define you. In fact, maybe you should steer clear of it for awhile. Don't get discouraged and don't stop what you are doing. You have a good thing going! May I ask how your clothes fit now?
    1720 days ago
  • TODAYIAM
    😂😳😬... understand everything and I'm there with you!! But I still see your making progress and that is what it's about!!
    1720 days ago
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