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waiting for the proverbial sun again

Thursday, September 29, 2016

I'm in depression. My head nags at me "physician heal thy self". The part of me that is used to sinking all the way down wants to tear me apart for thinking I can make a web site for others who have mental illness when I suffer still. But my website is not a CURE. It will be resources and encouragement. I have no cures. I'm just another bi-polar/ major depressive / once diagnosed with schizo-affect person living day to day and trying to live above the labels. When I'm at the other end-- the hypo-mania end things are SOOO much better. Even if I'm not hypo-manic sometimes without the depression I feel like this sparker
and I want that back. Just for today I know right now at 11:45am that someday I will swing back to that. I am grateful that I havn't gone so low I give up for a while.

I'm in the process of meeting new people. This is not easy for me and my anxiety anyway but in depression its really not a bright thing. I have an ex-bf that is my very best friend in life to this day. He gets me and I get him. we have similar disorders and though very different people we accept each other good and bad all the way. we just are not romantically compatible.The problem is he lives 45 miles away and neither of us drive. So I do not see him. we just hang out by phone.

I have had a few really close male friends like this in my life time. Is it too much to ask for another? LOL I'm not trying to be selfish...just self-centered. I'm lonely and would love someone to hang out with in person every now and then. I tend to isolate myself. And my moods can make bonding difficult when people are not accustomed to them. Depression makes me feel lonely. Normally I'm good with being alone all the time. I have a roommate but we don't talk alot. She is 24 years younger than I am. I go to twelve step meetings a couple times a week and have wonderful acquaintances there to check in with and say hello but I'm not sold out on the program as the way for me so since I'm not "all in" there is a buffer there.

Here's to waiting for the mood cycle to turn upwards again emoticon Cheers
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