Typed on a mobile device -some of it wont make sense sorry. :/
In 2009, I had a bout of depression. It lasted for 7 months. Then, everything was okay until 2010 and I had anxiety and thyroid problems. I mention them together because it is my belief that they impacted one another for the worse. There were normal worries because around this time, I was just transitioning into adulthood. Normal fears became crippling fears. I did have goals but they changed and then they'd rested more fear and anxiety. Then, on top of it a thyroid roller coaster. If you didn't take a ride on the roller coaster with your thyroid, you are incredibly lucky. High energy to no energy just like that. Anyway, ever since them, I have had horrible anxiety and have an anxiety disorder.
It is tiring having endocrine issues, being in physical pain that at one point was excruciating, and dealing with the impact is has. I have had symptoms of PCOS since I was 10 but wasn't diagnosed until age 22. I have bled through clothes for heavy periods that lasted from 7-15 days and sometimes, nearly whole months. That occurred since teen years. School was missed, doctors were talked to. They put me on different bc pills that has intense side effects, bad enough to not just ignore. Some made the bleeding worse. The doctors said lose weight, of course, I wasn't even near the size I am right now and I would like to see someone exercise bleeding that badly every 30 minutes with cramps. Watch someone comment that they do! They put me on Metformin but it hurt my stomach so badly that it was a fail. Now, I haven't had my period for amost a year. They have done ultrasounds, cat scans, tested for infections, and even drugs. The pain last year was extremely excruciating and tegu gave some pain medicine but I can only take non narcotics ones because of an allergy. The pain isn't as nearly excruciating but it's not resolved either.
Having medical issues is a pain for anyone. Having medical issues and an anxiety disorder is not good. I don't really worry about catching diseases but the worries from 2009 come back. They don't come back, they have never went away. There are different types of worries.
I worried about never being able to find a job, not having a place to live, everything would fail and the whole world would crumble. It sounds like just being a negative Nellie but inside of your mind, that can be torment. There were more worries too. Hundreds of worries. Once one what if popped into my head, it spiraled out of control. :( It caused crying spells and panic attacks. It was awful. I would talk to my family too much about it.
I did get help and ar one point was feeling better but all of the worries are plaguing me again. Ever since the anxiety first came, I have felt lost and that "lost" feeling has never went away. Some of the medication so tried was so horrible.
When something negative happens and there has been no sleep, I have a major panic attack. Just yesterday I had a bad one. I found out that they university is not offering me one of the grants this time. It is the one that covers the classes. I cannot pay out of pocket. I have been going to school on and off with interruptions due to the medical issues. I was close to being done. It was t just that. I had to do three different appeals to get everything sorted since I stopped going for the time period back when my sister became sick and needed the operation. It wouldn't have been a guarantee but it would have been nice to finish.
Nobody is my family has a degree, except for my sister. We started together but she finished sooner because she doesn't (didn't) have any medical issues. None of them wanted a degree either. A few of them feel it's not worth paying for school when you could have an income right now.
The anxiety makes me not want to leave my house sometimes. It is a real chore to get out of bed and sometimes, I don't. A lot of people may think it is laziness but you are wrong and ignorant. It makes me feel so horrible and like I am not a "normal person.
I am EXHAUSTED and yes, others have it worse but that does not mean I can't express this exhaustion and frustration. Is it so selfish to want something good to happen? Not just being grateful for the good things already but just for something good to take place.
Sometimes, I get angry with God because I do feel that he has task. Away my purpose, my body (how it used to be), etc. I do not know where else to channel that anger/frustration/pain.
People don't understand anxiety or depression or struggling to go out.
The worst part is it impacts my health. My blood pressure, my weight. When I am in the middle of a panic attack, I don't want
Vegetables or fruit. I want to go for something bad and delicious. It's not good but it's honest.
There are some out there who call my blogs pity parties. They never went through depression or anxiety in their lives. They went through a period of not being happy, maybe but depression is highly doubtful.
Taking medicine did help me get through classes and do okay. There was this woman who bought me lunch a few times and paid for a few items I bought at this mini mart at the university. I told her she didn't have to but she said she wanted to. She was so kind and we always studies. I hope one day I can do that for someone but my anxiety tells me it will never happen. Yeah, I am one of those adults still trying to get my life together and you should know my my mama don't like you (for judging) hahah (what anxious people can't be funny.
In case you missed it, that was a Justin Bieber reference. I never liked his music but that song is catchy.
The reason I write blogs like this is because it is 3 AM and the anxiety is getting to me and this is the way of trying to let go of the negativity and usually, it helps. :)
It's not that I think "Woe is me" or "poor pitiful me." It's not like that,
I know there are people out there struggling and I am wishing you so much peace.