The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
Saturday, September 17, 2016
So it's been a long time since I made a blog entry, but I need to find a way to get me head in order, and this is the best way that I can think of doing it. Let me start with a short history, I've been big my entire life, even as a kid I was the 'fat' kid, and I am a big adult as well. I have never been thin, and I used to want to be. I have been up and down in weight but never under 300lbs in my adult life, ever. My highest maxed out at 450, of which I have currently lost 25lbs of right now. A couple months ago I was actually down 50, but then I got sick... very sick, and wasn't able to do anything and slowly packed the pounds back on. Which brings me to today.
I also recently revisited the idea that I have teh Sabotage Twins living with me... The Crave Monster and The Lazy Monster. Crave sits and whispers in my ear about all the bad food that I want.. now I want to point out that I am not putting food in good or bad category, food is food, I have been trying to make healthier options and stay within my calories. But if I want that cupcake, I will have a smaller lunch, and make the day balance.. however.. the Crave Monster wants to get that extra cheeseburger and cheddar bacon fries after I have had my calories for the day. The one that says get the Large instead of the small, the one that tells you that Vertigo Smoothie from the coffee shop sounds amazing. That little bastard is evil... and he can throw a tantrum that makes two year olds take notes. And as soon as I give into him, he only gets bigger, and louder, and better at what he does.
Then there is his twin, The Lazy Monster.. who just wants me to take a nap, not clean my house, not go for a walk, hell not even go to work somedays. He works the same way, I give into him, and that lazy litte sh!t tried to drag me down just as hard the next time.
They also have a sister, called the Tech Monster.. she likes it when I stay up and play on my phone and not get enough sleep. Which only makes her brother more persistent the next day.
So anyways, I am aware of these little monsters, and I am not using them as an excuse for anything. I know that it is me that gives into them when I do, but I also like the idea that I am defeating a monster when I don't give in.
I've also had to come with the terms that I am a big time emotional eater, bad day... get to much food to eat. It's a pattern, that I want to break.. but then a bad day happens again and I go right for the food. Part of me trying to make this pattern go away, is writing down what I feel, to try to get to the root of the problem.
That being said, now I need to talk about my day. Good news, I joined a gym! Last week... and I have a time set up with a personal trainer to go through everything but they said to come on in, anyone that works there can help me. Now, I was nervous, the gym in my old town was nice, but it had a lot of judgy people in it, but at least I knew it. So brand new gym today.
I actually ended up sitting in my car for about 25 minutes because I was to nervous to go in. I finally go in and there is this girl at the desk, I am trying to ask her a couple questions, just things that I wanted to know about. Every question, she tells me she doesn't know... okay then.. so I go to work out. I get to the machines, and I cannot get them to turn on or work. I finally give up and go back to ask the girl at the desk if someone can help me. She tells me she is the only one there, and she doesn't work out or know how to use the machines. I wish I was kidding. So she gets some random guy to show me how, okay, cool.. and I get started. Even though I was a lot embarrassed at that.
Then my new headphones won't stay in the jack on the machines for the TV, they kept cracking and falling out. Even though they work in my phone and MP3 player just fine. That and the fact that I couldn't get the pre programmed programs to work. Now don't get me wrong, this is a brand new gym, with brand new equipment. And It is still only the one girl who answers all of my questions with she doesn't know.. she doesn't work out.
So i made it through my workout, just the cardio machines, not even going near the other strength training ones until I can get some direction. Now they also offer massage chairs, tanning and a red light therapy room. I don't tan (I'm mostly Scottish, I burn.. and freckle). But I was interested in the red room (which I call it). And guess what.. the same girl at the desk.. doesn't know anything about it, how it works or anything. She doesn't know how the tanning works either. All i wanted to know was if it could cause sunburn type because I have sensitive skin.
I pretty much wanted to cry at this point, it felt like a whole series of unfortunate events, and just killed any spirit I had. Lastly I looked at the massage chairs, and they have very narrow leg sections, no way I am going to be able to use that. That was just the final nail in the coffin of my day at the gym.
I actually did cry when I got out to my car, I was embarrassed, discouraged, and felt like this gym that had a great sell to get me to join.. was just not holding up. And I went home first, and started crying again. I did end up going out again, and getting way to much food and eating it, it really didn't help anything. Just made me feel sick. I ended up taking a nap, and have been doing not much else since I got up. Looks like the monsters won today.
But I need to just take it one day at a time, try to be completely honest with myself about what I am feeling and doing. Bad days happen, but I know that eating to much is not the answer. I just need to work on other ways to cope. I want to be healthy, I want to be able to do more, and I want to feel better. Those are my goals, and I just have to find a way to get to them. I know it won't be easy, but it needs to be done.