I don't want to get out of bed today
Saturday, September 17, 2016
Sometimes, anxiety and depression get he best of me, especially with losing "friends" because I don't have others I can turn to. :( I know I need to eat vegetables more often and exercise but how am I suppose to get the motivation to drag myself out of bed in the moments when I don't have to be?
I tried anti anxiety and and antidepressant medication. They did help but I had to try so many to get to the right one and that helped pile n more pounds and make me more depressed. Also, medical professionals did not believe other medical conditions. Sinus infection? Eh, it's anxiety. I was treated as though I was insane and that was the final straw so I quit the medicine. Also, counselor's made me feel worse. They made me want to crawl under my covers even more! There are good professionals somewhere but I picked the rotten apples, I guess.
For me, there are times when I feel like God doesn't have a purpose for me and times when I'm angry because I feel like he took it away. I also feel like he took my body away. Well, I was already fat but I mean having an undiagnosed thyroid for two years caused more than moderate weight gain and the PCOS I had symptoms since I was 10 but didn't get diagnosed until I was 22. It's not Gods fault but I still get angry with him. I miss life before thyroid problems so much!
It's easy to encourage others and want them to feel happy and not give up. Not so when it comes to myself. I'm 100 times more harsh with myself than I would be with anyone else.
My face puffs up if I forget my thyroid medicine and I'm always afraid of ending up on "My 600 pound life."
There are moments of happiness but they don't last. :( It's not like I don't try though.
All the depression and anxiety started at the same time as the thyroid issues and in my humb le opinion, those occurrences are connected.
Doctors focus on weight weight weight. Even when I say I have anxiety or an anxiety disorder, they say no, your weight is causing your blood pressure to go up...failing to see that maybe I am fat partly because I am anxious all the time and I am sad more often than not. A lot of it is from being lonely and sometimes, I feel like I will be sad forever. Why can't I just be normal and happy like other people?
I hate thyroid and hormonal issues. The weight was enough already but add these and they make it worse. I feel kind of detached from who I used to be. A determined person who had goals. Someone who was optimistic the majority of the time.
The city I live in is so depressing. So much crime. So many people who are into drugs and alcohol. The job market here is nil and on top of all that, in December, we had a tragedy. As if this city isn't bad enough all on it's own.
It is 4:30 AM and I am up alone right now. I really want my old self back now.