Tuesday, September 13, 2016

September 9, 1999, (9-9-99) is the day that my beautiful daughter passed at age 26. Alcohol and Drugs don't mix and they take too many lives and cause so much heartache. My gal was very young when she got into the stuff and although she was in 2 treatment centres in USA (because Canada didn't have anything for teenagers then) she was just not able to turn her life around. Those were the days of tough love and oftentimes I wonder if I had done something different maybe she would still be here. I went to many 12 Step Meetings both while she was in the centres and when she came back home. I can't say enough about those programs because without them I guess I would have survived but I wouldn't have learned all that stuff about addicts and alcoholics and certainly I would not have learned all those things about myself. It was quite a jolt to find out that "if the addict would just quit the drugs and alcohol then life would be all better" wasn't true and an even bigger shock when I figured out I wasn't perfect!! I thank God for having given birth to my daughter. Because of her I have learned much and become a better person. I just wish I had learned all those lessons before she passed because then she might still be here. I had her ashes here in a special location in our den which I made into a shrine of sorts and would spend lots of time just chatting to her and if I had too many things to do I would apologize for not having time for a long chat - kind of a just passing by conversation!!

For 16 plus years I simply could not let go of her ashes. Earlier this year I gave serious thought about placing her ashes elsewhere but didn't know where, when or how I was going to deal with that. Then I thought I would leave instructions to place her urn with mine when I passed.

This spring her SO, the father of the grandson she gave me, passed and his mom invited us to the enurnment of his ashes and she was going to place the container of my daughter's ashes that he had all these years in the same niche. It was then that I was finally ready to release her. I thought she should be "all" in one place and that her son, my grandson could visit both his parents at the same place at the same time if he so chose. I asked for permission to do that and the other mom was so pleased that I wanted to do that--she loved my daughter dearly.

Another September 9 has come and gone and it doesn't get any easier. I was particularly upset this year. There were so many things to attend to that day and I simply forgot that I couldn't have a chat with her at my shrine, her ashes are no longer there---then my son and his wife were here yesterday and his wife mentioned that my son had gone to the cemetery to visit his sister on Sept. 9. It wasn't until then that it hit me. All these years my son didn't have a place to go and visit his sister. Why hadn't I ever thought of that?? Not once did it ever cross my feeble mind. Once my emotions settle down a little I shall have a conversation with my son to tell him how sorry I am for having denied him the privilege of having a place to go and visit his sister. How could I have been so selfish?

I have blogged about this in the hope that by doing so I will have a lighter heart and be able to move on from here a little more quickly than I have been. It always helps to talk about things; surely blogging will do the same thing.

p.s. A few days after posting this blog I did have a conversation with my son and we will be going to the cemetery in the spring to add soil and plant flowers.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    thoughts and prayers are with you Verna. emoticon
    1589 days ago
    Verna, my heart is sad for your lose. And yes, maybe you and son should go visit the grave site together when you tell him how sorry you are that he had no place to visit his sister, I think it would help both you heal.
    1590 days ago
    emoticon Those same 12 step programs probably saved my life! Yes, they definitely made me a better person. May you find peace with your revelation and recent decisions. I did not lose my child; although we came close to that. I can't imagine what you are carrying; but there are things we have no control over. Sometimes, love is not enough. Hugs.
    1591 days ago
    Oh Verna, I am moved to tears by your story. Whenever I imagine the terrible possibility of losing my own often suicidal daughter, I just cannot imagine how I would be able to go on living after that. I cannot imagine having the strength to continue to be a mother to my other two children, continue to go to work, walk the dog, go to the supermarket, cook the meals, clean up the house. How does one go on after such tragedy? But being here at SparkPeople and reading stories such as yours (and Susan's, not only the story she recounts in her comment here, but of her other losses) have lifted me up, because I see that you both have had the strength and courage to go through something so heartbreaking as the loss of a child or grandchild, and then stayed on in the world to keep on living and loving.

    Your poignant story of the shrine you set up for your daughter in your home is so beautiful. In my opinion, there is no need for you to feel that you were selfish or thoughtless in not releasing her ashes earlier. You needed to keep her there with you until exactly the right circumstances conspired to help you understand what to do. No matter where her ashes are, she will always be with you, and I have no doubt that she loves you from heaven just as she loved you on earth. May peace be with you today and always, dear Verna.

    1591 days ago
    I can only try to imagine what you've been through.

    ( I must say that learning about addiction through ACoA meetings helped me a lot. Some eye opening material. We all have our little (or not so little) addictions, and I think and addiction in some form seems to affect many families. )

    Sending you an Alberta rose and a hug.

    1591 days ago
    Verna, my heart goes out to you hon. I am so sorry you have had to endure such sorrow and I now know that we are connected even more than through our friendship here at Spark People. My brother died because he wouldn't stop drinking when he was told to.
    The cirrhosis of his liver finally took him within 10 months of the doctor telling my brother that it was now too late for him. I watched in agony, my brother die slowly over those 10 months and his last words to my younger brother were to quit his drinking and drugs. That is a story I won't get into at the moment.

    It is an illness that not many understand unless they have watched it happen before them.
    Your story can probably be shared amid many of us with similar situations. My brother's widow took my brother's ashes out to B.C. because she moved there after my older brother died. I have no place to visit him. My father's ashes sit on the mantel in my living room because my mother has a phobia of the deceased and doesn't want them in her house. My sister has no place to visit in private to speak with my dad and now I am thinking we should have his ashes ensured at the same place where my mom will go when she passes.

    God Bless you dear Verna.
    Gentle Hugs
    1591 days ago
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