9-9-99

September 9, 1999, (9-9-99) is the day that my beautiful daughter passed at age 26. Alcohol and Drugs don't mix and they take too many lives and cause so much heartache. My gal was very young when she got into the stuff and although she was in 2 treatment centres in USA (because Canada didn't have anything for teenagers then) she was just not able to turn her life around. Those were the days of tough love and oftentimes I wonder if I had done something different maybe she would still be here. I went to many 12 Step Meetings both while she was in the centres and when she came back home. I can't say enough about those programs because without them I guess I would have survived but I wouldn't have learned all that stuff about addicts and alcoholics and certainly I would not have learned all those things about myself. It was quite a jolt to find out that "if the addict would just quit the drugs and alcohol then life would be all better" wasn't true and an even bigger shock when I figured out I wasn't perfect!! I thank God for having given birth to my daughter. Because of her I have learned much and become a better person. I just wish I had learned all those lessons before she passed because then she might still be here. I had her ashes here in a special location in our den which I made into a shrine of sorts and would spend lots of time just chatting to her and if I had too many things to do I would apologize for not having time for a long chat - kind of a just passing by conversation!!

For 16 plus years I simply could not let go of her ashes. Earlier this year I gave serious thought about placing her ashes elsewhere but didn't know where, when or how I was going to deal with that. Then I thought I would leave instructions to place her urn with mine when I passed.

This spring her SO, the father of the grandson she gave me, passed and his mom invited us to the enurnment of his ashes and she was going to place the container of my daughter's ashes that he had all these years in the same niche. It was then that I was finally ready to release her. I thought she should be "all" in one place and that her son, my grandson could visit both his parents at the same place at the same time if he so chose. I asked for permission to do that and the other mom was so pleased that I wanted to do that--she loved my daughter dearly.

Another September 9 has come and gone and it doesn't get any easier. I was particularly upset this year. There were so many things to attend to that day and I simply forgot that I couldn't have a chat with her at my shrine, her ashes are no longer there---then my son and his wife were here yesterday and his wife mentioned that my son had gone to the cemetery to visit his sister on Sept. 9. It wasn't until then that it hit me. All these years my son didn't have a place to go and visit his sister. Why hadn't I ever thought of that?? Not once did it ever cross my feeble mind. Once my emotions settle down a little I shall have a conversation with my son to tell him how sorry I am for having denied him the privilege of having a place to go and visit his sister. How could I have been so selfish?

I have blogged about this in the hope that by doing so I will have a lighter heart and be able to move on from here a little more quickly than I have been. It always helps to talk about things; surely blogging will do the same thing.

p.s. A few days after posting this blog I did have a conversation with my son and we will be going to the cemetery in the spring to add soil and plant flowers.