Why did I care?
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
I wrote about the death of a friendship the other day. Before I wrote that blog and realized that it was silly to care about all of that, I did try one more time to make amends but if went horribly but that's for the better. The stuff I sincerely apologized for was thrown back in my face and basically I am dead to her. Yes, I am letting it go but I write about stuff. It's not easy for me to just forget when it hurts deeply. For this blog, she will be referred to as "J"
See, it's funny that I cared because for 12 years, I have been treated like I'm worthless.
-I was invited to a birthday party but not allowed to meet her at her house like the rest of her friends. I was told to go straight to an amusement park but my mom wasn't having it.
-I was invited to a sweet 16 that was actually held 3 months before her 17th birthday and told her the only day in September that I could nt go was the 10th. Guess what day they decided the hold the birthday on? The 10th.
-She spent the night and her mom asked us if we had any contagious diseases and went down a long list. The invitation was never reciprocated. It was not due to any disease though!
-she thought I was confrontational but that is not true. I might say something that anyone else would brush off and she never told me that it made her feel bad. It was a guessing game. Once I said I wouldn't want her mothers maiden last name but I was 15 and didn't mean it maliciously. 15 year olds say dumb stuff sometimes without thinking. Even stuff on a lesser scale. I like debating on certain issues sometimes in a fun way but she thought I loved to argue just to argue. I never shared my opinion in a disrespectful way. In a loud way, yes. Disrespectful? No.
Once, she and her dad were on a time crunch to get to the library. They asked me if I wanted to walk with them. Sure. He was dragging her by the arm (she's blind, remember). I was walking at a normal pace and a littl behind. He turns around and says, "Do you want me to drag you too?" He had no right to speak to me like that! I was 21 and just because you are an elder doesn't mean you can speak to people any way you please. Some people think it does but in my family, that doesn't fly to just be so rude to people.
- I have been accused of being impolite because I don't always say please and thank you. I say thank you most of the time or I might say "yes" in a polite manner and smile. But because I didn't say, yes, please, I was impolite. My mom taught me there are many ways to be polite ans they don't all have to be traditional. I'm very shy at times and the nerves are there but forgetting doesn't mean someone isn't appreciative!
-Her mom was offended and upset when I said my back was cramping after I was baking for 4 or 5!hours. Hello, you SEE how fat I am. of course my back hurt! I told J that my back was cramping because I'm out of shape and I never baked for 5 hours straight. I cleaned everything up. Wiped everything down. The kitchen was probably cleaner than before! J asked her m. What she thought and her response was that she's not unhappy in a tone as though it was not good enough.
-I helped her with math and witnessed her LIE to the math professor about how she did not have enough time allotted to do the homework. When we did homework together, she had written down the problems and asked me my answer before I even had the entire problem written down on paper! She convinced the professor to cut the 20 problems into 10 and he gave her 3 weeks to do them. Extra time, fine but that was ridiculous. Once I told her I didn't want to help her and she was so upset and that was "really mean!" One time!
-She was so upset that I wouldn't share my weight and size because best friends are suppose to have no secrets. She volunteered her information and best friends should understand if you don't want to. Her parents both yelled at me over the phone so how is someone supposed to communicate. Why was it okay to have 3 people jumping down my throat.
-I asked them not to comment on how I eat but the snarky comments still rolled around. First, at camp, her parents told me that "It's okay to eat more because we're fat too." Then her mother served chicken that was as hard a tree bark and expected me to eat it. J's mom burned certain food on purpose like pizza and chicken.
- Also at camp, I was served to giant breakfast burritos but only ate one. That was supposedly wrong because her mom made them for me. I didn't want 2! Then she was mad because some scrambled egg fell out of the burrito and onto the ground but there were not plates. Just a burrito in a napkin!
-When the same types of things were done to J by her other best friend, she would complain and she admitted it once but only changed her ways for about a minute.
-We were supposed to be good friends but she couldn't tell me the truth about when she actually started dating her boyfriend and I was left out of the engagement party. They always left me out.
- Those are just some of the examples. Some, I do not remember.
What bothered me is that I did so many nice things but if something I said was perceived as insensitive, then it would go on the apparent record of wrongs they were keeping and be held against me.
Yes, I was not wanted but what always bothered me is why, what did I ever do that was so bad? Said something the wrong way? In the wrong tone? I told them I didn't want to have to walk on eggshells out or fear of making a mistake and that was taken as wrong too!!
It was excruciatingly painful but I somehow thought doing all these nice things was going to be a magical remedy to show them that I'm good person. The stuff that goes through our heads!
There was other stuff too. Being ignored and treated invisible way more often than not. Being told that She was super busy. Once I asked for so many YEARS? J's response was if you're busy, you're busy!
There were fun times too. Lots of late night chats and lots of laughter. Plus, I didn't know if J or her parents were the problem.
Well, last year, when we got in our argument, there was a lot brewing under the surface. First of all, I was already not in a good place. I was in excruciating pain, extremely stressed and going through deep depression and anxiety. She took a question the wrong way. I explained it was just a simple question. She said it was not just a simple question and that's how the entire argument started.
So, before I wrote the blog, I was trying to show that I was honestly remorseful but like I said, I am dead to her now. Here is what is so unforgivable.
First...she said I disrespected her mom. The statement I made to her mom was not to fight J's battles for her. That is apparently unforgivable. What about when her mom claimed tha my mm was drinking at a party. My mom doesn't drink and she wouldn't hide if she ever had! She gave me a look like she just *knew* it was my mom. That is way more disrespectful.
The next two things are the worst things. I told her she was less than the scum of the earth and useless. well, she kept bringing up everything I did wrong in the past 12 years and never once took responsibility for what she and her family did to me. I think all that
Anger and hurt over 12 years came rushing out. No, I dic not mean those things and no they should not neve left my brain but I cannot take it back now. I apologized SO many times but I am done apologizing. I also called her a nasty name but that will not be shared. When people are very hurtful to me, I have a bad coping mechanism of hurting them back and much more intensely. Oops.Somethimg to work on.
She basically said I will never know how I hurt her. That's not true. I have been hurt over and over and over. The difference was my pain was caused by actions and being treated invisible and her pain was caused from words.
Why is it okay for her to treat me any way she wants? Why is it okay for her family to treat me like that? If I did all of the stuff that was done to me, they would have had a crying cow. My family was gracious and welcoming to her. They think they are so perfect and can do no wrong. They are always the victims and everyone else is the villain. I have been villianized so much. I pointed it out when she sent her nasty email to reply. Why are my mistakes like a red Scarlet tattoo that can never be forgiven but her actions are pardoned without hesitation? She is pacified so she doesn't have to deal with the consequences. She said I was still being mean and and she said it is sickening how petty I am being. Excuse me, I have forgiven 12 years of bad behavior and I am dead to her because I messed up in a really horrible way ONE time.
She had every right to be angry with me and if I could go back in time, I would. I didn't expect to be friends or best friends. maybe my hope was not to be hated. Sometimes, good people make the wrong decisions. My family is very forgiving. People have called me worse and they are forgiven. It wasn't right but at least I can take responsibility for it and learn from it.
She told me the things I said to her are "Detrimental for life." I have been called much worse things and similar things and would not say they are detrimental for life. They are only as detrimental as you allow them to be. My reply was that hypocrisy is detrimental.
I shouldn't have tried. What was I thinking? Only God knows. See, I forgive and laugh those things off in a matter of weeks. Not everyon does but holding grudges doesn't do any good.
Why did I care? When the blog was written and all that stuff was written out, it made me realize how poorly they treated me. She was so angry that I had the audacity to point out the wrongs that were done to me because how dare someone take the sympathy away from her.
Obviously there is still hurt and anger as well as resentment for both of us. While I understand her position, I don't think someone should be punished for an eternity or told that they are dead to you.
Yeah, you guys are going to say let it go. I write stuff out or talk it out. I don't just forget and pretend it didn't happen.
This has really just been bothering me for the past few days. She never apologized for her ANY of her stink. She said sorry once that she ignored me but no apology for all that other cow manure!