I wondered why my weight is getting up - almost daily a few grams are added.
Is it a bad spell?
Is it a serious health problem?
I wondered what I was eating the past few weeks. Quite a lot of freggies - that sounds good, doesn't it?
In preparation for a medical I had to change my diet for a few days, no whole grain bread, no grains at all, nothing with seeds in it. That left white bread, butter and cheese, at least that was how it felt.
And as it is really hot over here I thought that some ice cream in the afternoons would be a nice treat and would do no damage.
All these factors summed up and when I tracked my calorie intake yesterday the riddle, that was no riddle, was solved.
I consumed 3.471 calories instead of the recommended 1.487-1.837.
Congratulations: Continue to do this for a week and you will win another beautiful pound of buttery-golden fat on your hips and your buttocks and your belly and in your face! Well done - if you want to gain weight! Not so well done, if you want to reduce your weight.
... Do this for 7 consecutive weeks and ... Tada ... all in all 7 pounds gained! In words: SEVEN!
How could this happen?
Things have been very stressful these past weeks. I attend a kind of school for eight hours per day. My classmates are very loud and noisy. There are teachers for two hours per day, the rest is spent working on your own. That is not too bad, but ... my classmates ... grown-ups! You would not recognize them as adults, they behave like teenagers. I can't change it. So I put in ear plugs during the self-learning times.
What I found out about myself, that I am trying to dissociate to keep my sanity. But this leads to losing my self-perception. In the afternoons and evenings I only want to reward myself for surviving another day.
My silent and comforting haven is food, nice food, kind food, silent food. Sweet and salty, chrunchy and soft. Food does not talk, it does not tell you silly jokes or boring stories about uninteresting incidents. Food does not disrupt my thoughts. To cook something interesting is rewarding, a tiny project that I can bring to a successful end.
And as I have shut down a whole lot of feelings to survive those noisy days, other feelings like being satisfied can not make themselves heard.
The riddle to gaining about one pound per week is solved:
I reward myself with food and I don't get my feelings and emotions. I don't get it when I am no longer hungry.
I feel lonely in a room full of people, that permanently noisy chit-chat almost makes me crazy and so I turn to my comforting, silent, patiently waiting friend: Food!
My friend, we have to talk about our relationship!