New gym shoes, but a heavy heart.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
I am day two into my latest re-start. I decided to avoid classes this week in an effort to get a little stamina back. However I was lazy today. My laid back summer of binging, and no gym attendance...coupled with lack of great sleep last night. Well, it just did not make for goal orientated me. After an hour on the stationary bike and only 20 minutes on the treadmill, I was done.
I even tried to use the fact I was also breaking in some new shoes as an excuse to go.
In order to get a full workout in I decided to take a break, hit the tanning bed, and then go to Piloxing. Now, I have only done the Piloxing class once. Once just after they changed the schedule and I showed up thinking I was in for the regularly scheduled Zumba class.
I liked it, but then I fell into the lazy summer and never made it back. And it was a great class today. I did have stamina issues and it was hard for me to keep up. But, my biggest challenge...it was painful to be surrounded by the mirrors.
It's so easy to lie to ones self. It broke my heart to see all the weight I've gained back. I realized just how tight the shirt I just bought a few months ago was on my body. Going from 165 to 187 is a BIG change.
I tried to remember that I had adopted the Kung Fu Panda philosophy. It did not matter if I was a big fat panda. What mattered was what is inside. However... I could not find the warrior inside. The statement that I was "THE big fat panda" sounded less like a battle cry and more like realization of my failures.
I noticed a gym friend on the other side of the class. My heart sunk further knowing that I would have the same conversation I have had many times with her after class. I was going to have to try to explain away why I had stopped coming to the gym. Then I was going to tell her how disappointed I was at my weight gain.
Cycle... seesaw... still living my mother's struggle... my struggle... that I am passing down to my girls.