the neverending story

I have been on Spark for a long time. Since 2008 if I recall correctly. And I am still here. I have wanted to delete my profile so many times because I just figured without showing results I was a bane to this place. I started out in a really unbalanced, sick place. Bulimic, and throwing up everything I ate that didn't align with my perceived idea of losing weight at the time. Originally, it was throwing up anything that wasn't a fruit or vegetable. I used the "No Binge" thread to support myself through eliminating bulimia. Which, successfully I did. 28 years of hardcore bulimia-I squeezed out of, one day at a time, with just the expectation that not throwing up was success. And it was. I was also exercising 2 hours + a day, to keep weight in check. Then I got injured in a car accident. I was unable to exercise without re-injuring myself. Something like my ribs popping out made it extremely painful to exercise. So any progress I made was quickly nullified by working out and sending me back to ground zero. This was horrifying, because I managed so much of my stress by working out. The Dr. told me I needed 6 months of NOThiNG-in terms of working out, to heal. Well, as eating disorders go, that triggered a lot of stress and overeating. Bingeing.
So....weight gain. 60 pounds. Basically, right back to where I started from. My WORST, highest weight ever. And climbing. So. Since I started Spark, I've gained 70 lbs. I don't throw up anymore, which is a miracle-right? Except I GAINED 70 pounds on Spark. Lots of shame and I don't deserve to belong here. When I was eating disorder active-and I guess that means throwing up, I would binge on sugar only-simple carbs and refined sugar. The only foods I wouldn't throw up were vegetables. And I had to work out 2Plus hours a day.
So, I am thinking my body became incredibly insulin resistant. Which it did. Sugar is my crack. I'm a sugar ho. So, in these years, trying to get it under control, it's just been a fight.
Complex carbs, simple carbs, sugar, SUGAR, triggers incredible weight gain. And gain I have. My weight SURGED 12 pounds, in 2 weeks. Not like easy gain/loss. Like solid weight that won't budge.
This ain't no more playing around, getting fat-fat is ok....No. It's like serious weight gain happening at a rapid rate. No more. What to do....
Right now I am reverting to a very limited carb/sugar regimen. Because it has worked in the past and because I KNOW insulin is my issue. I know my system CRAVES SUGAR. If I could marry sugar I sure would. But Sugar has got to go. It's not a diet for everyone, but I think it's the one for me. Carbs of any kind have to be limited. I'm not doing this to get into a bikini. I'm doing this to live. To live in my body. I guess we all know, here being on Spark-there's a million ways to get there. It's not about skinny for most of us. It's about liveable/lifeable, ending our obsessions with food, and the bazillion ways that food pacifies and soothes us, and finding ways to do that in other ways. Through exercise and taking care of ourselves. Not being willing to give up. Not being willing to just be acceptable, and attractive, but finding the true parameters to our souls and our beings. Finding the reasons why we hate, whatever we hate, and looking at it and finding our insecurity and why we hate and become resentful. Just growing ourselves up out of issues that keep us unhealthy.
So yeah, I'm still here. And I be on the down side of up, because life and HOPE require that I get a better gig going on. I'm 53, but my life ain't over. I gotta get a better life going on. Because with 3 cats, otherwise I'm a cliché. Thank you to my true Spark gals who stay with me through the neverending story...supersue, carilu, woubie,