help me if you can
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Seems like this is my time to get uncomfortable. I guess I'm not like everyone else who freaks out at New Years or "beach season". I guess it's the middle of summer when I get to feeling like hey, maybe I'm not comfortable in this skin. Last year I think I blipped into existence here for a couple weeks in June. Looking back I realize that was kind of my attempt to keep my momentum going. I had lost some pounds and went on to lose some more pounds. I went down to like 215 by the end of summer last year but alas, I found many of those pounds again. I'm back up to a fluctuating 230. Which is not horrible. I was 276 before I got pregnant. hit 300 pounds during pregnancy. But part of the problem is that I'm reasonably okay with 230. Do I complain about my clothes not fitting or wishing my thighs were smaller? Yup. But apparently not enough to do much about it beyond complain. I have so much of the know-how and so little of the just-do-it. My husband started going to the gym in June and he goes 5 days a week. He just puts his mind to it and goes. I guess it's really that simple but I cannot fathom being that consistent about anything. Except maybe eating. I'm good at that. And if I'm being honest, hanging out on the couch. It's such a comfy,cozy couch. But I digress. My child is pretending to nap and I only have so much time to empty my thoughts here. (And by pretending to nap I mean I am pretending she is napping while she bangs things around her room.)
I suppose all this is to say that I have a desire to be healthier. I have a desire to be part of this community and to be active and healthy. But I also have a desire to be lazy and eat crappy delicious food. Looking back on my old pics on this site was depressing. I have so far to go to even get to the place where I was "starting over". And I feel almost no motivation to work that hard. Which is all craziness because it wasn't that hard. It was just about consistent good choices.
I feel like I'm defeating myself before I even try. And I know I'm the only one who has the power to change anything in me. Has anyone been in this spot before? 6 years ago I was fit, active, healthy and pretty happy - tho I realize that l had very skewed body image and goals. Part of me wants to start over here at spark and create a new account so I'll have a fresh start. The other part wants to honor where I've been and the relationships here which have mattered a great deal to me. I dunno. Feeling a little (lot) lost here. Any and all feedback welcomed. Thanks!