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Riding the emotional roller coaster and various thoughts...

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Days and nights of ups and downs... Refinancing and figuring out what's best is hard when one is not business minded by nature. Changes scare me. We will never burn the mortgage on this house. We had it paid for once and refinanced to put two more children through school... The kids are using their educations well and that is a blessing. But always making a house payment is hard. I'm tired of paying, paying, paying. I like my house even though it is full of clutter and needs work, but it's too big for just the two of us, and yet my husband doesn't want to downsize. My feelings run the gamut. Some days I don't want to be here at all, but then I don't know where else I want to be either...There's a lot of work here. Two acres of grass to mow and flowers to tend,the American dream, but it's oversized and yet it's home... I think if even one of the kids lived nearby it would make such a big difference, but reality is that a couple of them live two hours away and the other three are days away in different parts of the country. I miss them. They call and we talk, but it's not the same as being nearby. They have families of their own and that's as it should be... They love us and one another and that is a blessing. This rural area where we live has families that are 100 years on the same farm with family surrounding them. We have a few neighbors, but they work or are away. Some days I look outside and see empty houses while their owners are at work or away or closed up inside. Of course it has been blazing hot this summer and air conditioning is a blessing too. We are all inside taking advantage of the cool air when the temperature is over the top and the humidity is too.

When the kids were home and growing up we had other kids in and kids' activities to attend. The kids made some lasting friendships. Our oldest was just home for the weekend attending her 30th high school reunion. But my husband and I don't seem to have friends that call or come over. Some of them have moved away following their children to the city so they can be close to their grandchildren. Others spend the winter as snowbirds and some of them have passed on as happens when your friends age and get sick. It is the circle of life, and I miss them too.

I got an appointment at last to have patch testing done before my knee replacement surgery can be scheduled. They will test me for dermatology compatibility to the metals and glues they will use. I have lots of allergies so that why the tests will be done. It has taken weeks to get these appointments. My husband will have a total knee replacement on August 4th. My appointments are 10 days following his surgery and I will make the dates work somehow, although I have a two hour trip to make to get to the testing site at the university. I hope he does well and that I can manage to help him through the recovery and rehab. He decided to start using a walker at home instead of his can so he can keep his back straight. He has a bulging disc as well, but the knees are bone on bone. So we have surgery coming up and the worry that goes with having a loved one in the hospital.

I had a rough day yesterday emotionally, and made myself physically sick last night with a headache and stomach pain. I tossed and turned all night and couldn't sleep. I've had too many days with a quivering stomach which is the result of negative thoughts racing through my mind, and I need to get this reaction to the stresses in my life under control. I'm working on it, and when I feel well physically my thoughts and attitude are so much improved. But when my knees hurt, and I watch my husband in pain with his knees, and when I'm worried about finances and a multitude of other things the negative thoughts so often win out. I'm seeing my therapist again tomorrow with lots to talk about and think about, and work through. I'm grateful for a good therapist who keeps me on task and helps me sort through my stresses. I'm expecting a much better night tonight and a good sleep. Good night all.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • GOODGETNBETR
    Hope through therapy and tending that garden you're able to find the peace you seek. Best of luck with both your surgeries and their recoveries.
    emoticon
    1418 days ago
  • L*I*T*A*
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1477 days ago
  • JACKIEWALKS4FUN
    You do have so much going on. emoticon
    Glad that you found a therapist that you like and that you can talk through these things. A blessing for sure. Hope she helped and you were able to finally get some needed rest. I know rest will help.
    Sure hope things calm down for you. emoticon
    1477 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/27/2016 7:21:23 PM
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    Hugs. Lots on your plate.
    1478 days ago
  • DJBTOO
    A lot of us go through similar experiences ... just saying that so you don't feel so 'alone' in all this. We downsized quite some time ago but as someone else said it has to be both on board for it to work. Never an easy thing to do but is freeing in the long run. We also went through the refinancing woes/game. I've not yet faced the surgery option for my knees but 'feel' it may be around the corner all too soon for me. Fortunately, knock on wood, my husband is faring better healthwise than I am so far. I HAD to get a grip on my anxiety, stress and negative loop thinking however. It can be as devastating as anything physical if one doesn't stay on top of it. I hope you have a good therapy session ... there is always a 'silver lining' as they say. I didn't used to believe that in my life but now I do ... took a lot of work to get there though - ha! Take care, (((hugs))) dj
    1478 days ago
  • IOWAGRAMMA
    So sorry you're having so many issues to deal with all at once. That usually makes it worse. We made the decision about 3 years ago to sell our big farmhouse on 2 acres and get rid of stuff. It was hard. But, it was also freeing, too. We agreed on the plan...it had to be that way, as it was getting too difficult to care for everything. We miss it...a lot, but it was the right thing to do. Unfortunately, it isn't easy. My DH has never had his knees replaced, but he's had 2 hip replacements, 2 shoulder replacements, and an ankle fusion. Taking care of each other is what we do, as I've had a couple things now and then, too. So, just know you're not alone and that you can manage...one thing at a time! Hugs, Jeannie
    1478 days ago
  • GARDENCHRIS
    Hope things will settle down for you soon
    1478 days ago
  • KOFFEENUT
    It IS harder to stay positive when you're in pain, although for myself I've found my pain is worse when I pile negative thoughts on top of it. Hopefully the upcoming surgeries will help BOTH of you and improve your quality of life!
    1478 days ago
  • ZRIE014
    Get a good night sleep.
    1478 days ago
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