life in recovery, truth
Sunday, July 24, 2016
Reality hits me in the face. So, earlier this week, I went to my OA meeting, and a person there shared some things that set wrong with me. I know that not everyone I will meet in my recovery life is as educated about addiction in a book way as I am. I have LOTS of book life. And in this stereotype, I personify. There is something about bedtime that triggers eating, and it is probably rooted in trauma. My reaction to the speaker was one of anger, and knowledge, and I know, from my professional life, that NOT all trauma leads to fat. Not every person who has issues with food was sexually abused, but this person at OA said so, and it bothered me. I hate living a stereotype. But my trauma story is a part of my recovering now that I am little removed from it, I can say that it’s because she was speaking the truth and I didn’t want to hear it. Another person, this speaker someone I admire, also spoke truth to me this week, and again my reaction was initially anger. She asked, in reaction to my blog about the lack of diagnosis, if I had really done everything I could to turn the auto-immune train around? She asked me to be honest about my past. And I was a bit peeved, but then grateful. Because the compulsion is a part of my story, of my road to recovery, of the insanity I recognize in step two. I have advanced the cross of my disease process in the last two years by my inconsistency. Inconsistency driven by my dysfunctional relationship to food. I know in my head, and the doctor’s have agreed that I will feel physically better, emotionally better, if I eat paleo. That is my eating plan, and I have failed at it consistently since I started in Feb. 2012. That failure is part of my recovery story. I am here today, as a sum of my parts.