AMETHYSTD

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Starting Over

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Four days in and I don't know why previous attempts to restart my weight loss didn't work and this time it feels like the first time I successfully lost the weight.

-Perhaps it's because enough time has passed between previous successes and failures.

-Maybe because I purged all the reminders of those successes and failures. (Notice the lack of my previous weight loss photos? I pulled those down the last time I restarted. Don't need to be reminded of my wins and losses.)

-Maybe it's because I (finally) identify as being big and not just a temporarily embarrassed skinny person.

-Or maybe because I didn't start with a bunch of fanfare.

-Maybe it's because I'm no longer a tired parent of a newborn/toddler/preschooler. We have a semi-autonomous Kindergartner and I've adjusted.

-Or maybe because after years of plateauing at 230 lbs, I weighed myself after a difficult six months and saw 251 lbs. I hadn't been 250 lbs since I was pregnant.

-It could be because I'm ready for big changes and the comparatively easiest to kick start is (surprisingly) weight loss.

-I don't know about you but I also tend to build things up and hoard when I get ready to do a thing. Feeling like every extra bite of the yummy stuff was going to be the last is no way to start eating better. Perhaps this it feels easier because I just started. No countdown or I'll-start-after-this-meal.

That being said, although I'd like to know what triggered this resolve since the last five years have been a hunt for inspiration, I'm happy with this slow burning desire to lose the weight and get healthier. In retrospect, exasperation created a too-hot urgency with all that pent-up anticipation-turned-desperatio
n. This time it feels like a steady but slow walk to a familiar and friendly place. It doesn't bother me it'll be a long stroll.

I also think there's something to be said about trying again and again. I may never know exactly what made this time work. I couldn't know which try is going to stick. But because I already know how to do this healthily, and what's worked for me before, I am better equipped to succeed.

I can do this. You can do this. We can make it happen. Do. Not. Give. Up.
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