life in recovery, step 2.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
AS I awake today, I pray the awakening thoughts. Pray that I be divorced from self pity, and dishonesty, and self seeking motives. I can employ my brain, knowing that God gave it to me to use, I pray that I use my talents for good, I think about indecision, and ask for God’s intuitiveness, for inspiration . I “relax and take it easy”. I go over the day ahead- my interactions with my co-workers, my work product, my interactions with Cynthia. I ask that it by God’s will that I do, that I step in time to what God wants me to do, and be. I ask that God guides me, that I step in God will.
I am working on Step Two.
I have come to believe that a Higher Power, something greater than myself, my sense of the Creator and God, can and will restore me to Sanity, that life, full beautiful life of recovery, is possible through God’s will. This gives me hope, the hope of recovery. Today, I can hope to be free from the compulsion to overeat, hope that I can stick to the food plan. I have been abstinent since 6/7, although I have slipped up and not followed the plan, I know what the plan is and I am cognitively aware of it. This step is about my spirit becoming aware of it. If this is recovery life, I need to contrast it to life outside recovery, the insanity that God is lifting me from. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting results. It’s buying the latest and greatest diet program, gimmick to lose the weight; it’s contemplating surgery, and then overeating in secret at night. It’s thinking that I COULD control it, that it was a matter of will power, and the many times I have fallen. I can’t do this, control this compulsion, and while I have asked that it be removed, that prayer goes unanswered. It brought me back to OA. And it is back because back in the day, when I was a young college student, I was introduced and I fled. To religious, to restrictive. I wasn’t ready. I had to have 30 more years of compulsion, before I could say uncle, with hope. Insanity is choosing food, over the welfare of others. It’s putting food, the buying, preparing and consuming of food as a priority. It’s stealing petty cash to buy lunch, it’s eating others leftovers in the middle of the night.
Tonight is our meeting, and I am looking forward to it. I think I am to the point of needing a sponsor. I am unsure how to get one. Do I ask Laurie, as the leader of our small group- there is only 3 other people. I don’t want to ask Amy, she seems fragile, and she is sort of my boss in posh. And I am scared of Connie, and she has said she is only ready to do food sponser, not steps. And it is Steps that I need. So that I prayer today, and I am not sure if it is self serving, but I am asking God to direct me to finding a sponsor, someone who can guide me in the OA steps to recovery.