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Fourth of July Musings

Monday, July 04, 2016

2016 has, so far, been a year of no leftover brain power. By the time I get home and can log on to SparkPeople, I don’t have much energy for interacting, much less blogging updates. Here we are just past the halfway point of the year and I see no changes in the near future.
I am still a paralegal at the nonprofit corporation and I still work at the dealership on Saturdays. I sometimes work on Sundays at either or both jobs. That leaves little time for the logistics of life. Even running necessary errands is a chore! I should not complain. These are both choices I have made and necessary better consequences for earlier choices.
My partner does not work and hasn’t for most of the decades we’ve been together. Now, if I can believe it, he has cancer and could not work if he had a job. In exchange for room and board, he is supposed to keep the house up, but that is not happening. More energy drain. I just can’t deal with it.
I am also trying to learn some new skills in the hope of earning more money and a better position. However, that has been hard to stay with. Just this last week, I learned that my general counsel does not necessarily see this position that I want as one that would be in Legal. Moreover, he and HR see it as a role, not a new position. Sigh.

A few months ago, I learned on Facebook that my niece is coming to Berkeley to get her master’s degree in something. I’ve never met her and this could be the first page in a new chapter of my life. Her mother is my second sister from my mother’s 2nd marriage. I have not seen Elizabeth (my sister) since she was about 8. She calls herself Liz now. Years ago, she got a master’s in mathematics (here’s where I shudder because that would not be me!). She’s married with 3 daughters and lives in Atlanta. The daughter coming to Berkeley is her eldest. She graduated from Harvard and took a year off and saw parts of the world! We recently connected on FB and on LinkedIn. I saw her post when she was accepted to Cal Berkeley and had kind of pushed that to the back of my mind until I saw her update on LinkedIn this week. Through her profile, I could see what looks like my stepfather’s profile, such as it is. It looks as if he retired decades ago at an age younger than I am now. I am envious! I have not clicked the link to connect to his profile, not because I don’t want to do so, but because…So many thoughts. So many years have gone by.

Mother kicked me out of the house when I was 13, decades ago. I saw my stepfather once since then. He came to see me in the hospital when I shattered my elbow. His mother was in the same hospital (different floor) and he saw us both. It was quite weird for me. I was very touched that he came to see me, but we did not get a chance to talk. Dad came in the room while he was there. They actually shook hands and spoke for a moment before my stepfather left. Dad died in 2005 and that is still hard.
I will probably click the button on LinkedIn and, if he accepts, that will be nice. If he does not, I understand that he might have the same swirl of emotions about it as I do and that is ok, too.
What is interesting, however, is I am not reacting to the emotional stir by eating. Part of that may be my brush with Bright Line Eating. I signed up for it and, the day afterwards, got a surprise bill in the mail with a week to pay it, so I canceled. Credit still coming…But listening to Susan’s videos must have penetrated me in a way I can’t quite fathom. The almost reflexive need to chew during stressful or emotional times is, today at least, absent.
I lost 4.9 pounds over the last 2 weeks, mostly by portion control and cutting far down on cheese and other trigger foods. DUH. It was not as hard as it has been in the past. It did not help that I got sick the first week. Not just sick, but add a migraine. I have had several migraines the last couple of weeks.
Nonetheless, I am glad to have some small bit of weight off. I am nearly at my heaviest, so I obviously have not been walking the walk!
In my heart of hearts, I hope that I can get to know my niece, her sisters, her parents (my sister and brother in law), my other sisters and their children, and, thus, find pieces of my heart that will fill the Swiss cheese feeling I have had for so long.

I am taking tomorrow off as a vacation day, in self defense. Even with this terrible drought in California, there are lots of illegal fireworks. All it takes is one spark and my mobile home could be gone. I am staying up with my cats. They are calm for now. They are indoor cats, but I just don't want the two younger ones to bolt.

The day is booked: fasting blood test tomorrow morning, appointment at DMV to get replacement stickers for my registration renewal. Yes, I get to do that annually because their records have an error that no one seems able to fix. Maybe a dental cleaning. I sent in a request that has been acknowledged, but no time confirmed. I forgot to call on Friday. Grocery shopping and laundry and....so it goes.

Other than the fireworks, Fourth of July is my favorite holiday. I love the history, I love the tri-color combination and I love the hope that the future brings. I also have an attitude of gratitude for those who have given so much to our county, in uniform and in civilian service, to make this the best place on earth!

Happy, healthy and safe, everyone!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    What a whirl of events and emotions! emoticon Taking time for yourself is a good idea, you never know when that might catch up with you! I hope all is safe after all those fireworks, last night was hard here too, we have so many trees, all it takes is one misplaced firework...
    And congrats on losing 4.9 pounds! that is awesome!!!!
    860 days ago
  • _LINDA
    So nice to finally hear from you. Thank you for taking the time to post what has been going on in your life.
    So very sorry to hear the position you were hoping for was a bust :-((
    You are enabling that freeloading boyfriend of yours. Time to put your foot down. Ask that he helps around the house or start helping with the bills. No wonder you are so run down and keep getting sick and having the headaches. Stress like this and your financial worries triggers it. You need to start putting yourself first.
    How wonderful you will have a relative living close by. Hopefully she is nothing like her Mother and will treat you with kindness and respect.
    I admire how you keep on going with the odds stacked against you with always a positive attitude.
    Keep up the great work!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    860 days ago
    You have so much history to share. I'll be thinking of you and will pray that things work out for you. Congrats on the weight loss. Every bit helps.
    860 days ago
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