Friday, June 22, 2007
I am keeping my ex best friends daughter for the weekend. I am in close contact with her father but her mother no longer speaks to me. They are divorced. It has been very interesting to me because I love my ex best friend. And I want so much to be a help and support to her. And yet, she doesn't want it and is such a negative drain on my life. So, I don't pursue the relationship. She knows her daughter is with me this weekend and in fact, that her daughter choose to be here rather than with her mother. I don't know what that is about. But that is ok, I love Paige too-and I miss her. What just really strikes me is how I was with Paige and her siblings everyday and yet, I wasn't. I was there, but I missed them grow up. I was so depressed, so anxious, so caught up in my own stuff that I didn't treasure them for the people they are. And unfortunately, neither did their mother. Now Paige will be in 9th grade. We can talk on an adult level. She is very, very intelligent. I've been reflecting over our conversations over the years.
And I wonder, what will I think when my kids are in 9th grade. Will I think I missed out on so much of their live and who they are because of my depression. I am afraid that might happen. I'm trying to figure out ways to remedy it. One of the things that I do well with the children is vacation. We make great vacation memories. But the day to day stuff, I'm not so good at. My partner does most of it. It really stresses me out. I get panic attacks, anxiety. I want to get this under control better so that I can be more present with my children. I am after all, one of the only 2 parents that they have. They do need me. I am learning.