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Pondering

Friday, June 22, 2007

I am keeping my ex best friends daughter for the weekend. I am in close contact with her father but her mother no longer speaks to me. They are divorced. It has been very interesting to me because I love my ex best friend. And I want so much to be a help and support to her. And yet, she doesn't want it and is such a negative drain on my life. So, I don't pursue the relationship. She knows her daughter is with me this weekend and in fact, that her daughter choose to be here rather than with her mother. I don't know what that is about. But that is ok, I love Paige too-and I miss her. What just really strikes me is how I was with Paige and her siblings everyday and yet, I wasn't. I was there, but I missed them grow up. I was so depressed, so anxious, so caught up in my own stuff that I didn't treasure them for the people they are. And unfortunately, neither did their mother. Now Paige will be in 9th grade. We can talk on an adult level. She is very, very intelligent. I've been reflecting over our conversations over the years.

And I wonder, what will I think when my kids are in 9th grade. Will I think I missed out on so much of their live and who they are because of my depression. I am afraid that might happen. I'm trying to figure out ways to remedy it. One of the things that I do well with the children is vacation. We make great vacation memories. But the day to day stuff, I'm not so good at. My partner does most of it. It really stresses me out. I get panic attacks, anxiety. I want to get this under control better so that I can be more present with my children. I am after all, one of the only 2 parents that they have. They do need me. I am learning.

Tami
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  • BELLE!
    Tami hun, As far as this is consider. U are doing a lot better than u give yourself credit for. U do recognized and think about what u should do and u except help and let your partner do what u can not. It does not make u less of a parent it makes u a great one. because u two ahve it worked out how to complement each other as people as parents. and no kids could ask for more. I hate that u are going threw that with your ex friend.but as we know people change and some times not for the better. And with u being able to be there for her daughter is great as well. U can tell her and share good time with her that her mom and u had and Let her see her mom in a different light than the one her mom is in now.I was one of those that was not always able to be there for my kids due to others. But when it got down to it my kids knew what i felt and know we are all closer than i think we would ahve been if I had been there 24/7So u never know how the friend and her daughter will turn out.As well just like u said it helps u get some ideas about the further for u and your daughter.
    5139 days ago
  • CRYSTALQUEEN
    Me again!! Just wanted to point you towards this: http://www.whatsuponplanetearth.com
    /latest.htm
    5153 days ago
  • CRYSTALQUEEN
    In all that long message, I still forgot to say something!! Think of the mirroring thing...you recognise that you and the friend have similarities in the past, now you are no longer like her so have no need of that relationship. That her daughter would rather spend time with you than her, you possibly represent that part of her mother she'd like to reach. She sees that you are in a better state of mind, so are more someone she wants to be around.
    5153 days ago
  • CRYSTALQUEEN
    Tami, in any relationship, there tends to be one partner who deals mostly with the domestic side of things, even when chores etc are shared, one partner does tend to be more of an "overseer", ensuring that the division is fair and that all is done. It tends to be taken to a male/female issue, but in my mind it's more the case that there only needs to be one person checking that the household is totally in order (not necessarily doing all the chores themself, but certainly ensuring that chaos doesn't take a hold!) so the other is freed up to deal with the things that extend beyond the home, whether the household consists of a hetro or gay couple is irrelevant, these are still clear roles, one to provide and one to nurture. That you are there to support your partner when she needs is the important thing. All any of us can do as parents is our very best, and that you are caring for someone else's children who have some serious problems even whilst suffering from depression is something to be highly commended! So you may have seemed a little distant at times, but you were still there for them, you didn't send them away when things got difficult, as their own parents had! None of us can sit back and say "Yes, I have been a great parent to my kids"....we all make the odd mistake from time to time, but to be able to say "Yes, I did the best with what I had"...that is what matters! Don't think of the past, look to the future. Any mistakes can't be corrected and don't need to be atoned for, just step up and deal with what needs doing right now! Forgive yourself....you were ill, not being deliberately absent/distant....give yourself a break!! Much love to you!!
    5153 days ago
  • MALYDI
    There isn't an edit button on the comment section! Figures!

    Me = them (mispelled it twice before I got the letters in the correct sequence! LOL)

    Anyway, I hope you understood what I was trying to say.
    5153 days ago
  • MALYDI
    I have a 23 yr old son and have lived through the same things you are questioning yourself on. I have even had the good fortune to talk a little about my parenting with my son. He said something to the effect of, "Look at me Mom. You did this." And he wasn't pulling a blame game on me. He is a remarkable young man, I am so proud of him and I tell him that often. (until he tells me to shut up already). So by him saying "You did this." that was an enormous compliment. I tell him I'm so grateful I didn't totally screw him up by being his Mom.

    Well I have a 6 yr old daughter too. I ask myself the same questions I did yrs ago. I am a different mom than I was then, but is that better? In some ways yes, others I don't think so. I do know my daughter knows, truly knows I LOVE her. Even when I'm grumpy or b**chy and she doesn't understand why...she knows I love her.

    You have offered some very good advise, take time to listen to yourself...you have some good words. Take some deep breaths, you know you love your children and more importantly they know you love me.

    If you look back over your life and have no regrets, you didn't live enough. You're good people Tami. Remember that, practise that, love that and you will live it.
    Maggie
    5153 days ago
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