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A New Dress

Thursday, June 23, 2016

My brother got engaged in December, I was so happy for him, cuz he's my little brother and I worry about him being alone, our parents died when we were young (and he was younger), and he just seemed to be, at that age, not as tough as me, I was a tough as hell kid which I'm not anymore but back then I was in survival mode and part of survival meant not showing any kind of weakness and acting like you were totally cool soldiering on alone etc. cuz if not you're going into foster care or god only knows what.

So he got engaged and I was so blown away, if he'd said he was applying to NASA or transgendered or any number of things, I would have been less surprised than by him saying he's engaged to get married. I was so happy. He would finally have someone looking after him, someone to share his life with, probably even have kids, kids I could teach to play tennis.

So Saturday afternoon my brother called me to say that he and his fiancee Maria were looking at the perfect apartment which just became available and he might just need some cash to make a deposit and he would pay me back right away and blah blah blah, and I was like, whatever you want, it's yours, just tell me how much, and overestimate, and don't be shy. And we talked about the wedding plans, and he said maybe the Catskills, and maybe City Hall, and I was like, no no no, you have to have a big fancy wedding because I want to get a new dress and wear it like I'm the Shelley Winters version of the mother of the groom, something tight and red and shiny and just own that wedding or party or whatever, none of this simple city hall baloney, etc.

So Saturday night I found out my cousin suicided, so I was frantically trying to reach my brother to tell him, but he wasn't answering and his VM wasn't set up, etc. So finally I texted him to tell him our cousin was dead etc. Cuz I dunno, what else was I supposed to do? So I cried all night Saturday, was so drained, wrung out, strung out, etc.

Monday and Tuesday I felt like, Nobody talk to me, my cousin killed himself, go to heck.

Wednesday around 11, my brother texted me, "I'm not in jail or in the hospital but please call me." Kind of a funny disclaimer cuz I always am afraid, when he calls or texts me, that he's gonna tell me that he's in jail or in the hospital. So I blithely called him thinking he had figured out how much money he needed for the down payment and he said, "I don't need to borrow any money cuz Maria is dead."

So my brother woke up yesterday morning and Maria was dead in bed next to him.

So I don't really know what to do, I'm so worried about my brother, so sad for him and so sad for her parents and so totally blown away. I'm going home tomorrow. The funeral is Monday. I just don't even know what to say to him. If they had been married for 20 years I could say at least you had 20 beautiful years together. If they had kids I could say at least you have your children. But he has nothing now.
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