Dating with anxiety
Thursday, June 23, 2016
I honestly don't know how to begin this blog in an interesting or insightful way. But I feel like I need this sounding board right now.
So I'm single hence the title dating and have been for quite awhile. I also don't have great self confidence and I struggle from generalized anxiety disorder and mild depression. Though most people wouldn't know any of this unless I told them. I hide it all very well.
I'm also blessed with loving, amazing friends and family who love me so hard it hurts sometimes. But despite that I'm lonely and want a relationship. So I've been online dating on and off for awhile. It's not been an overwhelming success in fact in many ways it feels as though online dating hurts my self-confidence and anxiety more than the deep feeling of loneliness.
I've also been working hard with friends and my therapist to work on self-compassion and being courageous so I've been putting myself out there and trying to be compassionate. Ive been on a few dates recently, one that I thought went well and then I didn't hear back. The first caused my anxiety to raise and my self-esteem took a hit but I decided to get back out there. So I met another guy. The date was awesome and he asked me out again the next day. Today was date number 2. Another great night, but then while driving I saw a text he sent to a friend that said something about calling in 10 min. Sure enough his buddy called and said there was an "emergency". We've all heard this story so I called him out on it. I told him if he didn't want to continue the date he should just say so. He made an excuse up saying this was real but then dropped me off and said he'd call me later.
As I drove home I had time to think and of course my anxiety started to spiral. Then my self-esteem took another dive and since this is two in a row I started to feel depressed, I talked to some friends who, as I mentioned above, are amazing. My question to them.... "What is wrong with me." And "Why am I undateable." Their responses are genuine and heart felt, but I am struggling to let their words in. I feel like I'm doomed to be single right now and my cycle of self-deprication continues. I need to break this cycle, but I don't know how.
On a slightly positive note, I think I've finally hit s moment where food isn't soothing my soul the same way it used to. I came home from my date defeated and agitated so my brother suggested ice cream. As we drove home with our treats, I waited for the soothe of comfort food but it didn't come. All I could think about was how I wanted to go workout, I think in all this mess that was the one moment of goodness. I wanted to fix my negative emotions with fitness not with food.
Also I weighed in today. In my last post I was up 10 lbs. now I'm down 5. I'm headed in the right direction.
To all of you who read this, whether you're just reading or if you comment, just know I thank you for all your support and kind thoughts. I feel glad I have a place to share my feelings without judgement.
And if anyone has any tips for dating with anxiety please let me know.