Saturday, June 18, 2016
Abstinence, recovery, step one.
I declared myself food sober, paleo November 15, and fell harder. Looking back at the journal entries makes me sad. Why can I not follow through with a plan? Last week, I went to my first OA meeting as an adult. I downloaded the OA app, and put in my abstinence date as of last Tuesday, June 7. According to the app, I am 8 days food sober. Do I trust this? Can I really say that? I know I fell and ate cookies and doughnuts. But that was a relapse, and I worked through it. I am working step one. That I am powerlessness, and in declaring my powerless, my disease, I will find strength. Why and how is this going to be any different than any other time I have found a plan? It’s a trifecta- spiritual, physical, cognitive. I declare that my life is unmanageable, that I am an addict, and that it’s food, and a spiritual disease. The answer is faith. Not the brain, not the cognitions, I can’t think this one into health, but it will take all three. My faith is wavering and weak. I really don’t think that my Higher Power is stronger than this disease. My faith has been linked to diet and weight loss before, and I was always a failure. I have tried the Christian diet, the Prayer before eating, the bible study about food as an idol. And after a few days, I am back to eating in secret, eating at night. The OA Ap has a sentence about discipline, that as overeaters I am undisciplined, and that God will bring me discipline if I turn to Him for inspiration, and do His Will. What is His Will? The commandment says to Love Your Lord God with all your Heart Soul and Strength, and to Love your Neighbor as Yourself. I think making healthy choices towards recovery is a form a self love. I avoided a social gathering because it was centered around food and alcohol. I can have neither. Every morsel is loaded with guilt. OA has you to pick a food plan. I pick low carb, paleo. There are foods that are triggers for me, and I will avoid these. Sugar, Glutten, SOY. All of these are forbidden. Today I am sober. This minute I am in recovery. Hardest thing I have ever done.