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Let go of things you cannot change

Monday, June 06, 2016

One of the happiest moments in life, is when you find the courage to let go of what you cannot change.

I looked for a quote like this today. I needed to see it, because my parents showed up yesterday, after a two week car journey to get here.

I had not seen them, since a trip to Southern California at Christmas. My Mom was having difficulties with memory at Christmastime, and it was hard to leave her. I knew, and know, she is in the best possible hands, as my Father is completely devoted to her. Nonetheless, it is wrenching.

They are staying at my sister's house. I had not spoken with my sister since before Christmas, as she has a LOT of problems. I talked my darling Daughter into coming with me last night to dinner, and I was so glad to have her with me.

Mom is so much worse. She couldn't follow a conversation, she asked my DD who was sitting next to her, and it was her first granddaughter. It was a tough night, not for me, because I have known this was going on, and was under no illusions about the incidiousness of this disease.

My DD was shocked, but did an awesome job of keeping my Mom somewhat occupied, and didn't lose any cool, and we finally got to talk on the way home.

My sister and her family are arrogant. They actually have a belief that they are better then we are, because they live in a big house. Big houses do not bring happiness. They do not bring joy, and they do not make you better.

My DD and I decided that we were very happy to be us, on the way home. I have felt that every time I have left my sister's house for many years, and was delighted to see my DD understand it.

Mom will continue to worsen. I am going to visit more often, as I cannot even comprehend the heartbreak of my Father, and I want to help in any way possible.

I cannot change this. I cannot change my sister. I can be honored and thrilled to have such a great kid, who makes me prouder every single day. I can love my Mother with every fiber of my being, and love my Father for loving her and being so awesome.

Life throws us curveballs. It is the way that you catch them that matters.

Spark on.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • FRAN0426
    Those of us who don't live in huge houses are most likely a lot happier than those who do, especially when they think they are better than those who don't. When we live in our house it was adequate for my husband, me, and our children---that was what counted. When the children moved on we chose to stay put, as we knew we would sell and down size from that house.
    1768 days ago
  • no profile photo JEANNETTE59
    Your quote is such an important life lesson for everyone. I'm just so sorry about the circumstances that sent you searching for it.

    Your dad sounds like an amazing man, but you are right he will need and I'm sure appreciate any time you can spend with them. As for your sister and her family, their values are really messed up. Anyone who measures their happiness and status by their possessions needs to do some reassessing. Things can change and fortunes can disappear overnight.

    What you and your daughter share truly comes from the heart and that is the greatest treasure that exists.


    1768 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    This is so hard on all that love your Mom. This disease is just so horrible. Sending you hugs. I am so glad your beautiful daughter was with you and helped you and your mom get through the meal. You are right, money and big houses do not bring us happiness, it is what lives in those homes. emoticon
    1768 days ago
    So sorry about your mom's illness. I admire your grace in handling this sad situation. Sorry too that your sister insists on clinging to shallow values. I'm quite sure you and your daughter are the richer ones, no matter who has the bigger house.
    1768 days ago
    "Life throws us curveballs. It is the way that you catch them that matters."


    I'm sorry that your mom's illness is progressing so rapidly. There will come a time, and probably soon, when your dad is going to have to make some difficult choices. I hope he can. My heart breaks for him, because I know how much he loves her. I can imagine the scenes in "The Notebook" - with him telling her stories of their life together. Tears are welling in my eyes.

    You and MF know who really has it going on, and it's not your sister! Much love to you both. You are awesome and awesomer.

    1769 days ago
    My heart goes out to you! I am so glad your DD is your amazing gift in this life and can offer you support and you can be there for each other! It is wonderful your father is so dedicated to your mother and that he has you for a daughter to also offer support and understanding! He is to be commended for his ability to take care of your mom. Having a devoted mate is something so underestimated! I am sorry your sister is so "out there"! Thinking one is better because they have a bigger house says so much! Wow, so sorry!
    You are so right...you cannot change this...it is what it is, but knowing it is half the battle!
    You're in my thoughts and prayers!
    1769 days ago
  • L*I*T*A*
    1769 days ago
    1769 days ago
    I am so sorry that you and your family are going through dementia. My husband has also started to lose his short term memory. God has given us the strength to help our love ones in their time of need. My thoughts will be with you . Thank you for writing.
    1769 days ago
    ...Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Serenity Prayer.

    I thought of that immediately as I read your blog. Tough times are ahead for your mom and dad. And you. Sounds like you have all the courage necessary to stand by real important values and let the nonsense go. Your daughter has those values too it appears. Did you raise her to be that way? Oh my what a wonderful mom you must be.

    This sorrow will pass. And one day you will be able to look back with only good memories. If you can do that you will always be right sized and so will your house!
    1769 days ago
    emoticon No prouder moment for a Mom than when you realize, see, observe that your child has become a person of good character... you've been privileged. Hang in there... this is tough, but you are strong!
    1769 days ago
    1769 days ago
    emoticon Your situation is SO HARD and you appear to be navigating it beautifully. Big heart beats big house every time.
    1769 days ago
  • PHOENIX1949
    emoticon Lot of Alzheimer's in our family, with closest being my Dad.
    1769 days ago
    Love your Mother and love yourself. Your daughter is amazing.
    1769 days ago
    OH my goodness, I went thru a pack of Kleenex reading this. My beautiful Mom has had Alzheimer's diagnosed (but I am SURE had it going on at least 10 yrs. prior) in 2013. She broker her hip in Feb. 2015, and my parents could not go back to their 2nd story WALK-UP apartment (can't fathom what they were thinking when they went there, but I digress). DH and I brought Mom and Dad here to live with us. Dad is going to be 89 and cares for Mom but I honestly do the majority of the care as he is just plain worn out.

    Mom slips more each day and it IS heartwrenching to see this evil, vile, disgusting disease grip her more and more. **SIGH** I FEEL YOUR PAIN. Some days I just go to my van in the garage and cry unceasing tears . . . then I'm ready to face it again. It is NOT EASY AT ALL.

    I am glad you got your DD to go with you.

    What is it with siblings anyhow. **SIGH**

    HUGS HUGS HUGS and more. . . walking the journey right with you. Though, I know we'd both rather NOT be walking this journey with our Moms.

    1769 days ago
    My heart is with you. We went through this with my Dad.
    1769 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15145828

    I'm really sorry to hear about your mom. You are a strong woman who RAISED a strong woman.
    No surprise to me at all. Brava to both of you for knowing what true happiness looks like, and also, accepting what you cannot change.

    1769 days ago
    How wonderful to have your daughter's support through all of this. I understand how difficult this must be for you because we have been going through something similar with Tom's mom - watching her become less her for months now. We would have made different decisions for her but that was the thing we had to let go of because she chose her daughter to be her care giver precisely because her daughter would do whatever she wanted, even if it wasn't the best for her.

    And you are absolutely right - having a big house doesn't make you happy. In my opinion, it just makes you a person who has to clean more house - not my favorite thing to do!

    Have a good day, looks like it's going to be a nice one.
    1769 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13354694
    1769 days ago
    It is sad to watch the progress of dementia, my mother has been going down hill for the last year or so, my dad is very devoted and takes great care of her, but he is 90 and it takes a lot out of him.
    1769 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15665102
    Great job handling a rough situation. Good for your daughter, too.
    1769 days ago
    You have a lot on your plate right now. Glad you can find the things to be thankful for.
    1769 days ago
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