why do I blog?
Thursday, June 02, 2016
Why do I blog?
I am reading a book about boundaries, that psycho babble term for interpersonal definition between oneself and the world. All my adult life I have been told I have bad boundaries, and it’s been the topic of discussion of much therapy, how having poor definition of self relates to a food addiction. Parts of the book are hard to read, and I have to walk away; the part of skin being are primal boundary, and those who have a history of trauma find boundaries a hard thing, The part where we control the boundary of our words, and how many times I say yes to working late when I should be home?, the part where I realize my boundaries ( please do your chores, please don’t bring contraband into the house) gets violated. Last night I read about how boundaries are formed, and how child development plays into it. I read from a work perspective, after all child development is my primary focus at work, but also from a parent perspective. Did I do these? Have I taught my children good functional boundaries? Is it too late? After all 20, 18 and 16 seem pretty well formed to me. These are the thoughts that were rolling around in my head at 3:38 AM. Did you know the birds start chirping at 4:18 AM? I blog to put form into my words rolling around in my head and heart.
A boundary that I can control is my words. I want to be the person who says what she means, and does what she says. SO when I say I eat paleo, for health reasons and weight loss, I will eat paleo. That is my line in the sand, the boundary; Which means, I don’t eat peanut butter by the spoonful, Which means I don’t eat the brownies and goodies brought to the snack table- why do I walk by the snack table at all? It’s not near my copier, or work table. Which means I realize what I am eating, in portion, and I am eating in control. ( side note, I bought a portion control kit- five little one cup, color coded containers to help with eating the right amount) I want to have clear physical boundaries at home- dishes are done, trash taken out, clothes put away. Those are my standards. But what happens when the boundaries get violated? When I say, please don’t bring stuff I can’t eat in the hose, and it appears on the counter. I can’t control him. He will continue to do this, after I has asked, because HE DOESN”T GET IT , and no matter of explaining is going to change this. I can only control how I respond. I told him, if banana bread appears on the counter, Jake has 1 day to eat it. After that, I am throwing it out. Leftovers that are not eaten for lunch will get thrown away. Maybe, when he sees the food waste, and sees that I am sticking to these boundary, he will begin to get it. He is used to a person who caves. Who says I don’t eat this, but then I do. I need to show him, and the world, that I mean what I say.