So today is my first full day without the kids. I will not lie, yesterday I was a wreck. I did not know what to do with myself. Then in the middle of the night our electricity goes off, causing our smoke alarm to start beeping. I sleep with a box fan going for white noise, and without it is hard to get to sleep. So we were up for two hours last night before the electricity was restored. It got kinda hot in those two hours. I had my therapy appointment this morning and also had a long lunch with DH. DH wants to go see a movie today as well, and I keep finding excuses not to but really, why not? We can, and we don't hardly ever, so let's go!
One thing my therapist was talking about was doing things because I like them and I want to do it for me. She gave me several brochures of places that I can crochet hats and scarves and such for. We've talked about me doing an Etsy store before, but she wants me to be... to have an even mood for at least 6 months before I consider it. Then at lunch DH was telling me about a woman who has an Etsy shop that makes about 70K a MONTH. Wow. And he totally thinks I could do that. She sews, not crochet, but I do want to learn to sew, very much. So that is pretty much what we talked about at lunch.
First there would be the investment of the sewing machine, and I would want a nice one, not the raggedy one I have now. Then I would have to learn how to sew. I tried to learn how, but Aunt G was teaching me and she is flighty at best, and not good at teaching. So classes like they do at craft stores. And then there would be whether I was actually any good at it or not. DH says he's willing to do the investment even if there is a chance I'm just no good at it. We talked about what I would make and how we would figure costs, and then I was like, but this will take a few years for me to get good enough to actually open a store! He says it's worth it for me to have something that is mine. I hadn't thought of it that way.
I do feel terribly lost without the kids and I've discovered that the role of "Mom" has consumed me as it does many stay at home Moms. I do not want that to be my only thing that is me and then they leave the house and I'm devastated. I want to be "me", not just "Mom". So maybe this is a good idea. I can still crochet, though I'm terribly slow at it. And I've always wanted to learn how to sew. The whole store thing can wait till I feel good enough at it that I've sewed stuff for myself and the family. But it is something to think about. Can I get good enough at it to actually make a living for myself? Right now I'll just concentrate on learning. Then the rest can follow.
Part of what is holding me back is my perfectionism. What if I'm not perfect at it? Then why bother at all? But then I ask myself, what if I am really good at it? What if it is something that I can excel at? What if I do get good enough to make skirts and cloaks and costumes and even everyday clothes like shirts and jeans? Wow. I keep placing the label of 'unable' on myself because growing up that was what I was told. But what if I really am 'able'? What if I let myself do this with no reservations, no holding back and I do find something I'm really good at? That would be pretty amazing. It will take time. Time to get the machine, time to take the classes, time to learn... but it will be time well spent, I think. Just to see if this is something that I can really get into.
My husband says I'm really 'crafty', meaning good at crafts and being creative. I totally don't see it. But if he sees it, and my therapist sees it, and my best friend sees it, maybe I have blinded myself to it because I am afraid to succeed. I have stunted my growth in all the things I do because I'm 'too busy', or whatever. But I think it is really because I'm afraid to be successful at something. Because if I'm successful, then all those lies I believed growing up were really lies and I can, I don't know, the sky would no longer be the limit, I could reach for the stars! And that's scary. I've had a lid on me since I was small. I didn't put it there, but I kept it there. What would happen if I took it off? It would be scary, but I bet it would be amazing too.
Wow, that just kinda all came out. But it's all true. What if I stopped holding back and just went wholeheartedly for something? What if I stopped being afraid of being successful, and I just went for it. What if I erased that line in the sand and just kept going? It's a scary yet wonderful thought. And I'm totally going to go for it. I know it will be hard at times, but I have to believe that it will be worth it and so much more.
There is a song I just love that has the line, "Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place", I just love that. Here's the link to that song: www.youtube.com/
I haven't worked out yet today, but don't worry, I will. It's a run day, 60 second run, 90 second walk for 25 minutes, then walk for however long I feel like. I don't want to right now because I think we are going to the movies. I'll do it when DH goes to worship band practice. That should tire me out for some good sleep.
I've got a lot to think about. I'm going to have a hard time of it because once I've made up my mind to do something I usually want to do it right away, and this is going to take time. Just like getting the service dog is going to take time. First we have to save up the money, then we have to find the right dog.. so many little steps along the way! And this journey will be the same way. I'm going to have to make myself a priority and I'm not used to that. But if I don't, I might not ever get past this. And I need to. So I will. One step at a time. And this, was the first step.