Am I Just Lazy or what?
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Why do I always hit a brick wall at three weeks in? I am going along, logging and trying to track as accurately as I can, and suddenly around the third week, I notice I’m sick of logging, sick of thinking about food and just tired and impatient with the whole thing?
Before you start saying “weigh yourself” or “Take your measurements” to see if there is any progress and use that as motivation, let me tell you this.
I am 55 years old. I have been dieting since before I was even overweight, which I think has added to my problem. Somewhere around 1973 this homely girl decided that weight loss would solve all her problems. As a result, by the time I was 17, I really did need to lose weight.
So yo yo for the next 35 years, with some extended periods of successful weight loss (weight watchers in the 90’s) two children, baby weight, loosing baby weight with WW and aggressive exercise program that did not fit into my lifestyle or personality so that only lasted about a year and a half, then Antidepressants, HUGE weight gain within 3 months of starting that medication, more years of diet and exercise (mainly walking) and a year and a half of eating as a Vegan which helped me lose 20 pounds (the most I ever lost on antidepressants) which crept back on as the Vegan life style deteriorated. Plus more pounds.
Through all of this, I let the scale determine if I was a good person or a bad person, if I was happy or sad, if I was a success or a failure. And also it went something like this:
Good results on the scale = HOORAY, and instead of reinforcing my determination, I would find myself loosening up and eating things in amounts that I shouldn’t.
Bad results on the scale = BOOHOOO. I am going to punish myself and this diet by making the worst possible choices because what’s the point.
Now I know this is wrong. I know I should stay the course regardless of what the scale says, but that’s not how it works for me. That expectation of stepping on the scale – the dread or the hope, always results in emotional induced eating.
So some years ago, I decided to get rid of my scale and focus on just eating as healthy as I can. I have not been able to accomplish a vegan lifestyle again, even though I think it was good for me. I just don’t have the energy to cook a separate meal when I get home at night. My husband is the cook and he cooks the way he and my boys like to eat (all of them are at healthy weights and do not have food issues. On average they do not overeat).
Last October I had a spinal fusion for a deterioration problem that has been sneaking up on me over the past 5 or 6 years. By the time of the surgery I could walk for 3 to 5 minutes and then I would have to sit down to let the feeling go back into my leg and foot. Needless to say over those 5 to 6 years, my physical activity gradually and steadily decreased to nothing….not even shopping!
The surgery in October was successful and has given me back the ability to walk long distances. I cannot run (not that I ever really could before anyway) but I can walk at a decent pace.
My family bought me a fitbit for Mothers’ Day and I have been tracking my steps and I have returned to spark people after a long absence. Walking feels great! We went away for a weekend and reaching 20,000 steps was no problem at all. But once back to work, I have a sedentary job. It is difficult to slip away from my desk to get in steps. I need to get up early in the AM or exercise after work and I have not found the motivation to do that yet. I hate the heat, I’m not a morning person, and 10,000 other reasons that are all excuses that am ashamed of, and yet, I have not done anything about it. Three weeks in, I find that brick wall again.
Right now, I am trying to gently get myself to healthier eating. I am finding it tough to eat the amount of veggies I should be eating and some days I don’t eat any at all!
I know what I have to do it. I just lack the ambition to do it. I want to lose weight but I don’t need to see a confirmation of every pound as it comes off. I want to eat healthy, but sometimes I don’t know where to start. I feel exhausted all the time and I can’t seem to make myself do what I need to do. Its so overwhelming.
I haven’t given up. But I am feeling bad about myself. About the way I look, about the way I eat and about my lack of physical activity. Am I just lazy or what?