Jealousy and Pants
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Let me first begin by saying that I realize I am complaining in this blog and that I have a lot to be thankful for, but I just need a forum to complain about my frustrations.
That being said, today was an exciting day on the weight loss side. I purchased a custom printed shirt 4 years ago and when it arrived it was too small. This morning during my clothing debacle I pulled it out and guess what..... It fits and looks good! YEAH!
Lets get back to the topic at hand.
I've been struggling with some jealousy lately. Primarily in the area of watching other people eat what I used to eat. This is especially true in regards to my roommate/brother. I love the kid, don't get my wrong, but the kid can eat whatever he wants and he works out inconsistently and still manages to stay within a 10 lb. range, up or down. He goes for first dessert (3 servings of oreos) and then has second dessert about an hour later. I know he's just teasing when he calls it first dessert and second dessert, but watching him come back with 3 servings of dessert on the first round and then go back for more while I am lucky if I have calories for dessert makes me green with envy sometimes. He also drinks about 3 cokes a day, and coke is a total weakness of mine so that's another struggle for me to watch him drink it all the time. I feel like a recovering addict who's being forced to live with someone who is still using!
The jealousy is not just limited to my brother though. Last week I was sitting in a meeting and the women on either side of me both had Venti delicious milk and sugar filled coffee drinks. One a white mocha, the other a caramel macchiato, two of my favorites. As they sat there sipping their calorie filled drinks I couldn't help but resent them a bit while I sipped my plain black coffee. I also had conflicting moments because I've come to realize that milk doesn't really agree with me but I am still envious of their freedom. Additionally, I don't dislike black coffee I don't really see it as a punishment to drink it, but I still feel jealous when I see people eat/drink without concern.
I don't really know how to overcome the jealousy because I know that I will struggle with my weight for the rest of my life. I will never be able to eat whatever and however much I want without compromise. I allow myself treats and I have days that I say forget and go over my calories, so I'm not really suffering, but I feel guilt, jealousy and then sadness when I realize I will have to make choices about my food/drink in order to stay healthy. Does anyone struggle with this, how do you conquer it?
Now on to the second issue I'm dealing with is my current pant situation. I have 2 pairs of jeans at my current size and 2 pairs a size smaller. When I wear the jeans I currently fit in my booty is unflatteringly saggy and the waist is too big, but my hips, where I carry my weight, fit just fine. When I try to put the next size down on the waist and booty fit, but it pulls across my hips and creates a strange bulge that pulls in where my fat ends. This is an area that I am super self conscious about. In fact in all the areas I have extra fat, that is the one that I look at first when trying on clothing. I even try to get shirts long enough to help hide it, but not so long that they also suffer from the bulge and then in. My friends tell me the smaller size looks good and they comment that I look like I'm wearing a diaper with my saggy butt in the larger size, but I can't get over the bulge issue. What are your insecurities?
Now that I've gotten my complaining out of the way I can get back to work.
Thanks to all who read this!