Depression and Hopelessness (not really weight loss related)
Wednesday, April 06, 2016
Still fighting with my jerkbrain, and I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't get stuck in my head again. Writing helps, even anonymously... maybe especially anonymously, hence this blog. I've reached out to some friends. I'm taking a media break, so I'm not listening to or reading the news because it will only makes me feel worse. I'm rereading my favourite books.
I'm trying to exercise and not feel bad at how little I'm doing compared to Jan/Feb. On the bright(?) side, I'm at the stage of depression where I'm actively repulsed by food, so staying at the low end of my calorie range hasn't been an issue.
I'm so tired of this. I know this will end and I'll be back to normal soon, but it's a struggle to feel this way for weeks at a time. I keep having to remind myself that this ISN'T my normal, but sometimes it's hard to believe. You get used to it, and that's one of the worst things about depression: it sucks out your hope and leaves you with an impression of a flat line to the future where nothing changes and nothing gets better. One of the things I really appreciated about Inside Out was how it portrayed Riley's depression as a loss of sadness and joy, and how all that she had left was anger, fear, and disgust. It's so true. The only thing they left out was the shame. For me, depression isn't sobbing uncontrollably at the drop of a hat--it's a sense of vacancy and apathy. You feel hollow and you form this baseline existence where nothing matters. Sometimes the only thing that keeps you going is a routine. I get up every morning and eat breakfast, feed my cats, brush my teeth, and go to work because that's what I do. My newer habits are harder to keep going. I want to walk on my breaks and at lunch, or sneak into the inventory room and do a quick cardio routine. I want to, I know I should, but I don't. Instead, I sit in my car, read on my phone, and smoke too many cigarettes, because that's what I used to do. Those are the habits I developed over years, and they will take time and effort to break.
I simply don't have the resources to do it right now.
I'm not making any plans or promises to do anything but stick it out until this mood passes. It will, it always does. Tomorrow may not be a better day, but it will be another one, and that's gotta be enough right now.