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Depression and Hopelessness (not really weight loss related)

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

Still fighting with my jerkbrain, and I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't get stuck in my head again. Writing helps, even anonymously... maybe especially anonymously, hence this blog. I've reached out to some friends. I'm taking a media break, so I'm not listening to or reading the news because it will only makes me feel worse. I'm rereading my favourite books.

I'm trying to exercise and not feel bad at how little I'm doing compared to Jan/Feb. On the bright(?) side, I'm at the stage of depression where I'm actively repulsed by food, so staying at the low end of my calorie range hasn't been an issue.

I'm so tired of this. I know this will end and I'll be back to normal soon, but it's a struggle to feel this way for weeks at a time. I keep having to remind myself that this ISN'T my normal, but sometimes it's hard to believe. You get used to it, and that's one of the worst things about depression: it sucks out your hope and leaves you with an impression of a flat line to the future where nothing changes and nothing gets better. One of the things I really appreciated about Inside Out was how it portrayed Riley's depression as a loss of sadness and joy, and how all that she had left was anger, fear, and disgust. It's so true. The only thing they left out was the shame. For me, depression isn't sobbing uncontrollably at the drop of a hat--it's a sense of vacancy and apathy. You feel hollow and you form this baseline existence where nothing matters. Sometimes the only thing that keeps you going is a routine. I get up every morning and eat breakfast, feed my cats, brush my teeth, and go to work because that's what I do. My newer habits are harder to keep going. I want to walk on my breaks and at lunch, or sneak into the inventory room and do a quick cardio routine. I want to, I know I should, but I don't. Instead, I sit in my car, read on my phone, and smoke too many cigarettes, because that's what I used to do. Those are the habits I developed over years, and they will take time and effort to break.

I simply don't have the resources to do it right now.

I'm not making any plans or promises to do anything but stick it out until this mood passes. It will, it always does. Tomorrow may not be a better day, but it will be another one, and that's gotta be enough right now.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh dear, it will pass just keep trying ur hardest...
    1444 days ago
    Sorry you're still feeling down. You're an extremely strong person and handling better than most. When I get depressed I'm very logical about it, as you are but it doesn't make it any better. It's angering and as you say - it shouldn't have to be this way! But it is and it sucks! Wishing you brighter days in the nearest future possible!
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    1455 days ago
    LIND7WALK - It's not likely. I'm bipolar and on the lowest therapeutic dose of Lamictal with Ativan PRN if I get anxious or start swinging up (hasn't been an issue lately). If anything, it's likely that I need to increase the dosage or add something new. I'm not at a point where I can willpower my way out right now, I'm really working on the making myself eat, going to work, and getting sleep.

    1455 days ago
    I have Major Depression as well and it is a draining drag. Could you be over-medicated? I realized a month ago that I was over-medicated, so I quit 2 " add on" meds and I feel 100% better. I make myself do a project daily and my self esteem rises.
    1455 days ago
    I can relate. I really hope it passes soon I know how debilitating it can be. Wishing you a better day tomorrow ♡
    1456 days ago
    Wow! I just have to say it's like you took the words I want to say right out of my own brain! I feel you....Blessed Be to you and yours let's all who deal with depression and more keep moving forward and keep positive! Feel better!
    1456 days ago
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