Thursday, March 31, 2016
Today I went to a funeral for a 20 year old. I am having trouble with his death, not because we were particularly close, or because his sister is one of my best friends, but because of his youth and knowing that there could have been so much more for him. It does kill me that his sister is going through this, and I hate seeing her hurting. It just makes me feel like I am wasting my life and that I am this loser who can't figure out what she wants or where she is going. It makes me fear that I will look back on my life and see a lot of wasted time, opportunities that were not taken, and excuses.
I guess this is my wake-up call. Hopefully I will take it. I do have goals and an idea of the life I would like to be living, it just is taking a lot for me to actually push for it. Yes my health has been totally crappy for so long, but it doesn't look like that will change any time soon since we have been chasing a diagnosis for almost three years. Yes I struggle with mental illness, but I can't let that sideline me either.
So hopefully this is the post that really shows the beginning of my new focus on my life. There will probably be more failures, and more excuses (in fact I know there will), but if I can just remember why it is important to keep going then maybe I will actually get out of this rut I have been in for so long.