The Definition of Insanity
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
We all know this one, right? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different outcome.
So, by definition, I'm currently insane. And boy, oh boy, do I ever feel it.
I have taken some time over the past couple of days to revisit some of my old blog posts and I almost don't recognize the voice of the person who wrote them. I kinda want to punch her she's so chipper and happy and such a damn know-it-all :) That's how far removed I have become from MYSELF over the past 3 years. Because let me tell you what, the closest I have ever felt to being myself was the period of time that I spent here between April 2010 and October 2012. After that, I fell down the personal insanity rabbit hole and I've been calling for help ever since.
But one very good thing that has come out of the past 3 years of angst is a better relationship with my father. Mom too, I guess, but my Dad is the key figure here and it was a conversation with him (with mom listening in and tossing her two cents every once in a while) that really resonated with me on Sunday.
I was talking to them about my lonely life dinner options for Easter - 1) muster the energy to cook something for myself, 2) pull myself together and take myself out for dinner alone, 3) order in and wallow at home. His response to me was exactly what I needed to hear and surprisingly hit just the right chord. He said - you can and will do whichever of those options you want, and you deserve whatever one of them makes you the happiest. But if it were up to me, I would make the choice that is DIFFERENT from the one that you want to gravitate to right now, because if you can only just make ONE different choice a day, it will be the start that you need to get yourself back on your feet again.
Just ONE different choice a day. That's all it takes. That's all it took in 2010. The willingness to try something new and get out of the insanity rut.
And so I did. I decided on Option #4 - popcorn for dinner and a movie. It was indulgent. I haven't seen a movie in a theater in over 2 years. And I still stayed in my calorie range by eating popcorn for dinner. And I felt better.
And then yesterday I took my bike, that has had a flat for over a year, to the shop. They fixed the flat and greased it up for me and I rode it to and from work last night.
Baby steps. Deliberately choosing the other path. It's not about saying no. It's about saying yes to something different than the thing that has become comfortable and common place. Because the fastest way out of Insanityville is to start walking in another direction.