Sunday, March 27, 2016
I'm lying in bed on Easter morning, drinking decaf and cuddling with my cat. Sounds idyllic, right? Like the stuff of a Folgers commercial, all shiny-happy.
But the reality is that I'm lying in bed because I'm so depressed, I can't get out of it, except to get the coffee. My life is anything but what it was 6 years ago when I was here for the first time. And I guess I'm back now looking for the thing that brought me here in the first place and from which I derived so much success in such a short time. I need help to start again.
I'm not religious, but Easter Sunday feels like as good a day as any to start over. Sadly, it's also a day on which most other people are busy and so I am feeling more alone than ever before. No dinner invitations. No check-ins. And even my work email is painfully silent. Holidays suck the most for single girls that are far away from home. And everyone else is so busy with their own families and plans, that it's a rare occurrence to find anyone who will reach out to see how it's going, right when you need it the most.
I'm in recovery mode these days. I'm recovering from the worst breakup I have ever experienced, a soul crushing legal battle for my company and the subsequent resignation (finally) of my business partner, a 60+ pound weight gain over the past two years of stress from starting, building and then fighting over that company, and now being the only one who is fully, 100% responsible for its success or failure.
This is not where I thought I would be when I was here in 2011 celebrating 100 pound weight loss and feeling like I owned the world.
This is not where I thought I'd be when I met "the man of my dreams" only to discover that he just added to my stress and problems.
This is not where I thought I'd be when I quit my job in 2013 to pursue my dreams with a partner who promised me that he had the same dreams I did, but clearly had anything but.
And now, I am left to pick up the pieces and figure out what to do next. My life is extraordinarily full and depressingly empty all at the same time. Full of all the things that rob me of myself; the person that I found here and was growing to know and love so much before she was swallowed again by life and food. And empty of anyone or anything I can really depend on when I want to grieve my losses or celebrate my success.
How did I get here? I know the answer to that question, but I am also angry at myself for not being able to hang on to it all. And yet also so sad for the part of myself that thought I actually could. I am only human after all. And one person is only capable of handling so much at once.
I am tired of hearing that it takes time. I am tired of hearing that my struggles will only make me stronger. I am tired of tough love - from everyone else and also from myself. Tough love is what has gotten me through the worst of it. My ability to buckle down and stay the course whatever the damage is to my psyche and body along the way. I am a proven warrior. But it's time to take off the armour again. It's time to let go and move on. And just in typing those very words, I am sobbing from the release of it.
I don't really know what happens next. I need help because I can't do this alone. So I've come back here to a place I knew to be safe when I left it.
We'll see what happens next.