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New Beginnings?

Sunday, March 27, 2016

I'm lying in bed on Easter morning, drinking decaf and cuddling with my cat. Sounds idyllic, right? Like the stuff of a Folgers commercial, all shiny-happy.

But the reality is that I'm lying in bed because I'm so depressed, I can't get out of it, except to get the coffee. My life is anything but what it was 6 years ago when I was here for the first time. And I guess I'm back now looking for the thing that brought me here in the first place and from which I derived so much success in such a short time. I need help to start again.

I'm not religious, but Easter Sunday feels like as good a day as any to start over. Sadly, it's also a day on which most other people are busy and so I am feeling more alone than ever before. No dinner invitations. No check-ins. And even my work email is painfully silent. Holidays suck the most for single girls that are far away from home. And everyone else is so busy with their own families and plans, that it's a rare occurrence to find anyone who will reach out to see how it's going, right when you need it the most.

I'm in recovery mode these days. I'm recovering from the worst breakup I have ever experienced, a soul crushing legal battle for my company and the subsequent resignation (finally) of my business partner, a 60+ pound weight gain over the past two years of stress from starting, building and then fighting over that company, and now being the only one who is fully, 100% responsible for its success or failure.

This is not where I thought I would be when I was here in 2011 celebrating 100 pound weight loss and feeling like I owned the world.

This is not where I thought I'd be when I met "the man of my dreams" only to discover that he just added to my stress and problems.

This is not where I thought I'd be when I quit my job in 2013 to pursue my dreams with a partner who promised me that he had the same dreams I did, but clearly had anything but.

And now, I am left to pick up the pieces and figure out what to do next. My life is extraordinarily full and depressingly empty all at the same time. Full of all the things that rob me of myself; the person that I found here and was growing to know and love so much before she was swallowed again by life and food. And empty of anyone or anything I can really depend on when I want to grieve my losses or celebrate my success.

How did I get here? I know the answer to that question, but I am also angry at myself for not being able to hang on to it all. And yet also so sad for the part of myself that thought I actually could. I am only human after all. And one person is only capable of handling so much at once.

I am tired of hearing that it takes time. I am tired of hearing that my struggles will only make me stronger. I am tired of tough love - from everyone else and also from myself. Tough love is what has gotten me through the worst of it. My ability to buckle down and stay the course whatever the damage is to my psyche and body along the way. I am a proven warrior. But it's time to take off the armour again. It's time to let go and move on. And just in typing those very words, I am sobbing from the release of it.

I don't really know what happens next. I need help because I can't do this alone. So I've come back here to a place I knew to be safe when I left it.

We'll see what happens next.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ALOFA0509
    Been there ate that... I know where your coming from sista!!! Your a fighter, you fought for your company, and time to fight for your health. You've come to the right place. Fighting with you girl, all the way!!!!
    1045 days ago
  • LEARN211
    You have faced a lot of challenges as have I. It is hard to pick yourself up over and over again, and continue going at it alone. I gain weight quickly when I am stressed out too. I don't eat to comfort myself, but I am constantly grabbing for quick foods that undermine everything I do to get healthy. Being alone is brutal, and I often find myself fighting with my inner demons of wanting to quit everything that I have worked so hard for. Reading your blog has renewed my sense of hope. I hope things improve for you. My biggest self help is prayer. I will pray for you.

    1079 days ago
  • -POOKIE-
    Well welcome back, I am back after struggling with weight gain while pregnant and post-natal depression... and its a big fight to find time and motivation while caring for a baby... but that baby is now 2 and I haven't lost it all yet!

    here to support you again x
    1083 days ago
  • JEREMY723
    I hope that you're week is off to a better start. I will certainly keep you in my thoughts. I don't know what else to say. Wishing you all the best.
    1084 days ago
    Welcome back. Not just back to SP, where, as you know, you'll find support in your food battles, but where you'll also find moral support, commiseration, and a few laughs when you really need them, but also back to yourself. You took such a scary, humongous step opening up and laying all that out here! Wow! I have no doubt you will move forward from here on, as you've been doing and have done in the past. What's happened in your life recently sucks, literally and figuratively! It's sucked the life out of you, but from what I read here, you just inhaled big time.
    1084 days ago
  • PJH2028
    I'm here. I wish I was in Chicago and could invite you to tea. Yet... I am for sure in YOUR CORNER. I still love your voice and couldn't click fast enough when I saw you had posted a blog. I've missed hearing your voice. For your voice is powerful and gentle and true.You are powerful and gentle and true.

    Be Here Now is deeper than I knew. Different without food. And I too have been in a long game of taking-back of food to pad the loudness of living without it.

    In times like these the long lost words (I first tried to understand at the age of 10 when a friends mother gave me my first I Ching) of Confucious for some reason help me. So simple:

    Perserverance furthers
    No judgement

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    1085 days ago
    I can totally relate. Been there. I had a major weight regain last year and it was horrible. I felt every single step and stair. It's a really low feeling but we both took the first steps to getting it back. Just reaching out is a big step in itself. Keep going Jen.
    1085 days ago
  • no profile photo DIASTER
    Welcome back, one thing about Spark, you have so much company. So many of us are fighting the food demon. We can do this together, one darned pound at a time one day at a time. Maybe we cannot control others but we can start controlling what we put in our mouth. You have a company, a plan and lots of us that do care about your success.
    1085 days ago
    Hugs. You are so much stronger than you know. You've done it before you can do it again.
    1085 days ago
    You sound scared but you have faced so much head on you can and will face this and winn. you just have to allow yourself to feel the pain without hiding behind food. I know the pain hurts it brings you yo the breaking point
    1085 days ago
  • WASU132
    You are such a strong person. You've fought battles that would defeat others. You know this is where you will get help. Stay here. Don't leave. Work the program. Get healthy again. Each day brings new beginning. Don't give up. Reach out to others.
    1085 days ago
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