A little venting...
Saturday, March 12, 2016
I just ate a 100 calorie serving of jelly beans, and I wanted to go back for another serving, but I realized that it's not the answer..
There's a lot going on.
Last year my husband literally threw me out of the door to our home in Southern California. I wasn't the first time, and I realized that if I stayed, it wouldn't be the last. I packed three trash bags full of clothes, grabbed my son and drove away.
Sometimes we stayed with friends. Other times we'd sleep in my car. I was a housewife with only a small payment from the Veterans Association each month. We lived off of that. When I saved enough money, we went to North Carolina where there was an excellent homeless veteran program.
We got an apartment through the program, and I got hired for an amazing job... Only I couldn't take it. I was diagnosed with stage two cervical cancer and would have to start daily chemo and radiation.
I only knew one person in the entire state. Feeling lonely and afraid, I joined a church. I found God and decided that the commandment about honoring thy mother was probably pretty important. I called my mother, and we reconciled. She booked a flight to visit for a week.
But during her visit, my health really began to diminish. I couldn't eat or drink anymore. I was always dizzy and sometimes I didn't even have the energy to stand. It was obvious to my mother that she would have to stay and help me take care of my son.
My mother stayed until my last treatment, right before Thanksgiving. I decided I'd like to fly home to Massachusetts to visit for the holidays. We would stay for Thanksgiving and Christmas and then fly back.
But two weeks into my visit I decided that I wanted to make a life in Massachusetts. I decided to move home.
My friend said he knew a nice local guy I could date. He said he was really romantic but probably too old for me. I looked him up on Facebook; gorgeous. We chatted 12 hours online that first day and planned a date for the following Friday.
I ended up in the hospital with a bad infection due to radiation that Wednesday. They wanted me to stay for 72 hours for evaluation, but I refused. I wasnt going to miss that date for anything, and Im thankful I didnt. That handsome older guy turned out to be my amazing boyfriend, Jonathan.
I flew back to North Carolina alone in January to pack up my apartment. I planned on donating the big things and packing my car with my smaller possessions, but when I returned my car had major issues. I instinctively called Jonathan who told me to leave my car and he would pay to fly me home. My father in South Carolina would pay to send a few boxes of clothes and my photos to Massachusetts for me, but again I had to abandon my things.
I live at Jonathan's house five days a week and my mom's the other two. I work temp jobs and struggle to pay to keep my son in preschool. I had to lease a car to get to and from work, but things we're looking up. I was hired at a major firearms company to do data entry, and the position is six months long; that's an entire six months of stability!
Tonight I am sad because my step-dad accidently backed into my leased car tonight. He's going to pay out of pocket to repair it, but it's just another item to add to my never ending "to do" list. Im worried that there might be drama over getting me a rental since I start my new job this week...
I have two cancer appointments this week. One appointment will determine whether or not Im cancer-free. If I'm not, I'll have to do another course of a stronger chemo (which would certainly make me lose my hair). All of this bad luck I've been having has me worried about this appointment.
And I just needed to talk about all of this and sort it out in my mind...
After all, jelly beans can't fix it anyway.