OHANAMAMA
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I Am Random and Erratic

Wednesday, March 09, 2016

So, I'm depressed. Out front and in the open I said it. But I'm also paranoid to a small extent, which goes hand in hand with my anxiety. I mean, yesterday I posted a blog, then deleted it not too long after because I thought, "no one wants to read your boohoo crap." in spite of a few responses already (thank you) but still, I kept thinking it looked like I was fishing for sympathy, and I'm not. I was having a really really really super sh!tty day, and it didn't get any better. Today might be a hair better. Maybe. Anyhow, I will seem exactly as the title of the blog says... random and erratic, because lately I am. Sometimes I want to share, but tell myself, don't share, then it's be honest about myself, or hide it, pretend things are fine, or be real then I think, who cares.... One minute I'll be ready to get it all out, then the next minute I'm all smiles so no one can tell! Anyhow... this isn't a ploy for pity or anything like that, I'm just trying to explain what probably appears as brain malfunction... well, because mine is lately and it's affecting so much, too. I can't concentrate on work, writing, reading, or pretty much anything and I find nothing "fun" any more. I redid my page in the ocean and beaches because I do really wish I could disappear there, alone, for a while. Pressure and worry and feelings of inadequacy abound in my sad little head. One positive note... I've been eating a healthy lunch each day this week, and that's as far as the positivity goes. So, if I seem to bitch about something, or I seem suddenly sad, or I seem suddenly peachy... it's just me being random and erratic.
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  • GARDENCHRIS
    there is nothing to be ashamed of by telling us that you are not "all put together" we ALL have our moments where we feel like the world is not cooperating with us. You are not alone.
    There is nothing that can do us in like our own self doubts! Tell that voice in your heat to just shut the hell up. You are a beautiful person just the way you are right now this moment.
    God did not make junk! and He made you wonderfully made from the start. We need to remember how much we are truly loved by and Awesome God.
    Imagine just how much you love your children, God loves you immeasurably MORE than that. emoticon
    857 days ago
  • CATHYSFITLIFE
    You know what my sweet and beautiful friend, you are not alone! Let it all out here and none of your true friends are going to judge you. Most, if not all of us, have been there at some point int time. I can't tell you how many times I've felt despondent and felt like there wasn't much to live for in this life. I've had the anxiety attacks too. Then the next day, I'm kind of happy but at the same time not really that happy although that's the way I appear to everyone around me. I can tell you though, that the better you eat the better you feel. I'm not talking about losing weight, I'm talking about just feeling better about life in general.

    I think that the winter months are the worst times of the year though. The skies are gray and everything outside is brown. The weather is starting to get warmer though and I can see signs of spring around here already.

    You might want to have your hormone levels checked too. If you are perimenopausal that is likely causing your feelings of good and bad. If you are low I would go with bioidentical hormones though. Don't settle for a doctor that won't prescribe any to you either.

    I'm so very sorry I didn't see your blog until now. We've had a lot going on and to be honest I've been depressed too! I wish I could come over and we'd hang out together and do whatever we wanted. I hope someday we'll be able to get together for a girls' retreat and just go walking along the beach just talking or not talking. I know us girls need that time together.

    I will Spark Mail you soon though! I promise!!

    I love you like a sister!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon my beautiful friend!!
    858 days ago
  • NIGHTSKYSTAR
    I think we may be twins..i'm here if you need to vent ever!! big hugs...and i love your ocean background! Holly
    859 days ago
  • WIZKEY
    Oh, I feel you. Have you had your hormone levels checked. Perimenopause (or menopause) can really mess with us if we're already battling anxiety and/or depression. But never feel like you can't say how you feel or what is going on here. Spark is the only safe place I have to totally express myself. You know there's no judgement here!!
    emoticon
    859 days ago
  • LUCYCAN7
    Please just blog more about how you are feeling.Maybe we can say
    something that will help you.That is what we are here for to help
    one another no matter what it is.We care about each other and we
    do care about YOU!You have been missed! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    859 days ago
  • WOUBBIE
    This is a safe place to let it all out, so don't hold back!

    I know it's hard to get back on track, but remind yourself that eating badly and not getting exercise can actually MAKE you depressed and anxious, or make an existing situation worse. Maybe you can commit to eating just whole real food for a couple of days and see where it takes you? And DON'T SKIMP ON THE FAT. It's what your brain and nerves and neurotransmitters are made of.
    860 days ago
  • BONNIEMARGAY
    O, precious beauty! Sending you all of the compassion in the world for ALL of these thoughts and feelings. Really, I hear you. Totally get it. Sitting right here next to you to help bear the unbearable stuff together. Wishing you relief.

    emoticon
    860 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    Random and erratic is just fine. We all have days like that. We're here to listen and offer you support, no matter what you decide to (or not to) share.
    861 days ago
  • BUDGETMAW
    One of the good things about a site like this is you can be honest about how you are feeling. Most of us have felt the same way at least once before. We empathize with you.
    861 days ago
  • SKEETOR
    No pity here, just caring. emoticon
    861 days ago
  • ICECUB
    YOU CAN POST ANYTIME. THAT IS WHAT WE ARE HERE FOR. WE CARE. AND WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE.
    861 days ago
  • SOUTHSIDEKITTY
    Sweetie - I understand EXACTLY where you are at. I so wish I could be there to give you a big hug and take you to the beach.

    I am always here for you. No matter what.
    861 days ago
  • FLORIDASUN
    Oh sweet honey! I WISH I could just fly you right down here to FL and we'd take a LONG walk on our sandy white beaches and you would find that there are still things to be happy about.

    I know how you feel. Sometimes I feel I am walking this dad blasted earth alone. No one really understands me or knows the hard slog of life I've lived. But guess what...then a blog from a dear friend like you appears and I realize that we are all in the same boat together and we are here for a reason.

    AND...that reason is to give attention and empathy and understanding to our fellow earth travelers. I am here for you and you can share whatever is hurting your heart because chances are it's probably hurt mine too.

    My sparky friends mean the WORLD to me! More so than people I have all around me and have known for over 20 years. I always say they just flat out don't 'get me'...it's because they are too caught up in their own superficial worlds of STUFF and the ranking position.

    You are probably feeling down because of the weather also...usually by this time of year when we were living in Iowa...I had just HAD it!

    Thank you for the beautiful post card you sent to me...you are a beautiful soul and a terrific friend...NEVER lose sight of that and know that you ARE loved...very muchly by ME! emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Never feel like you can't reach out to your sparky friends...we ARE HERE for you!
    861 days ago
  • MSEVELYNH
    Depression and anxiety suck I have them both and understand how you feel. Speak up, get it out and don't think about what others think. It is about you doing what will make you feel better
    861 days ago
  • RUNFREE4ME
    I feel your frustration. You are not alone in feeling this way. Over the years I have come to feel that this is just the way I am. SP is here to support so share away. Someone else is in the same place as you.
    861 days ago
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