Barriers and self-sabotage
Tuesday, March 08, 2016
As I was saying yesterday, in the last 5 years I have been losing weight I have not been able to go below 220 pounds. And it has nothing to do with whatever method I was using.
Since I am seeing a doctor who specialises in weight loss I figured I should talk to him about it. So I did.
He made me think of what my life was like when I was that weight. What could have happened that would make me affraid of going back there? So we talked about my life in the last 5 years and before. He talked about the fact taht some people are just affraid they can't make it and start stuffing so they can justify not achieving the goals they had set. Some other are affraid of acheiving it and then what.... It can be so different from one person to another but it is crucial to find out what drives oneself to self-sabotage.
I had to think hard of what goes thru my mind when I deliberately stuff myself to sabotage myself. I had to review my last 5 years. I finaly realised that each time I got close to 220 something really bad happened.
First time I got there. I was so on track! eating right, running 3 times a week. I even ran my first 10k! Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer.... All hell broke loose! As I went thru surgery and radiation therapy, I managed to bring my weight up to 270 pounds!
After a little while I got back on track and lost the weight and got close to 220 again. Then I had complications from a simple breast reduction surgery... Again my weight went up.
So last spring I started seeing that doctor. I was close to 260 pounds. I actually saw a 219 on my scale at home. THEN I had to have an emergency gall blatter removal surgery. And I had complications.. lost too much blood had to have blood transfusion...
So now that we have the reason I am affraid, I have to work on reasoning myself and realise that the weight loss had nothing to do with whatever happened in my life in those days. He says it could take some time to get there but since we had found the reason for the 220 barrier, 50% of the work was already done.
So from today I will write down what scares me, then I will explain why it isn't realistic, it doesn't make sense. And I will then write down what would be a more realistic thought. Forcing my mind to go from thoughts that don't make sense in reality to thoughts that are real. What scares me about breaking that barrier -vs- what will actually happen.
I know I have to also work on the 200 pounds barrier that I know is still there. That one comes from when I was pregnant with my youngest. My appendix ruptured when I was 6 months along in my pregnancy. I was not having the right symptoms so it took 24 hours before I got to surgery. Before they could realise what was hapening. Basically, after the surgery it took 3 weeks for my intestins to start working again. I didn't eat for 3 weeks and was pregnant. I lost 25 pounds in those 3 weeks. I actually saw my muscles go away. My child and I were surviving on my stored fat and muscle mass. I could have died but didn't.
When I started eating again and saw all the damage that had been done, I got REAL scared. What would have happened if I hadn't had that fat stored? So I also have to work on that.
When I look at what I have written so far I can plainly see that I have associated lighter weight with being sick. Althought losing weight will NOT change my life totaly, it will make me look better and feel less tired. I will not let my frights get the better of me!
I will do the exercise so that the next time I feel like self-sabotaging I will be able to reason myself (hopefully)
oh I almost forgot. The scale was not good to me as I expected. Can't lose weight while eating everything in sight!