I Gotta Talk...uh...Write This Out!!
Sunday, March 06, 2016
I hate feeling the way I felt when I woke up this morning. I've just got to talk or write to someone about it.
Yesterday, I had a disagreement with my grown daughter about something she said about her 2 year old daughter (my granddaughter that I sometimes babysit for on Fridays.) That two year old daughter/granddaughter is a special needs child without a diagnosis. All of us in the family are treading unfamiliar waters with knowing what is right or wrong for this child. We are all doing our best and she is getting all the physical, occupational, speech, and behavioral therapy that she can. Its just very slow going with her, much like my weight loss journey right now. We all love and adore this baby and believe and pray every night and day that she is just developmentally delayed and will catch up. But, that is not really what this blog is suppose to be about. I just think the disagreement with my daughter (who also happens to be my BFF, we are so very close) is what set off today's bad feelings with me. She and I have talked it all out and everything is fine now, but it's put me in a very emotional and confused mood.
Now, to get to the real reason for this blog! I woke up this morning, just like any other morning, thinking what will I have for breakfast? Being diabetic, you really don't have an option not to eat, which I would rather not have breakfast, just not a breakfast person. But, if I don't eat, then my blood sugar drops too low and, well, that's a whole other blog! I slowly make my way to the kitchen and check my blood sugar as I do every morning. 117 and that is very good especially considering I emotionally ate like crap last night, but I'll take it.
Anyway, after taking my blood sugar, I just sit there looking at the meter, looking at my morning meds I take, and tears come to my eyes. I'm so tired of taking my blood sugar numbers, taking my meds, counting carbs, counting calories, counting minutes and miles at the gym, wondering if my knees are going to benefit or hurt from the gym,tired of my knees hurting all the time, tired of getting on the scale, tired of spinning the Spark wheel, thinking about what I should fix for dinner, trying to figure out what I can fix that both me and my husband can eat, taking pics of what I eat or make and posting to pep, looking at motivational quotes, and just trying to keep my mind in the right place!! Do you hear me?.....I'M JUST TIRED of it!! Burned out is probably a better word for it. I've been at this really hardcore since the end of December and don't get me wrong, I've seen results. I'm down almost 18 lbs from where I started in December and over 30 lbs from my highest ever weight. But, I still have at least 50 more to go. And another thing about all this is that I'm not really craving anything, in fact, most of the time I have to make myself eat because of the diabetes, not because I'm really all that hungry!
So, please, someone out there tell me, what is wrong with me? How do I get the "spark" back? What can I do? What do I need to do? I'm sitting here with tears running down my face and feel totally lost. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated. I really do care about all my Spark friends and all of you have been so good to me by encouraging and supporting me. I wouldn't have made it this far without all of you.
I need to do something, I just don't know what!