I Gotta Talk...uh...Write This Out!!

Sunday, March 06, 2016

I hate feeling the way I felt when I woke up this morning. I've just got to talk or write to someone about it.

Yesterday, I had a disagreement with my grown daughter about something she said about her 2 year old daughter (my granddaughter that I sometimes babysit for on Fridays.) That two year old daughter/granddaughter is a special needs child without a diagnosis. All of us in the family are treading unfamiliar waters with knowing what is right or wrong for this child. We are all doing our best and she is getting all the physical, occupational, speech, and behavioral therapy that she can. Its just very slow going with her, much like my weight loss journey right now. We all love and adore this baby and believe and pray every night and day that she is just developmentally delayed and will catch up. But, that is not really what this blog is suppose to be about. I just think the disagreement with my daughter (who also happens to be my BFF, we are so very close) is what set off today's bad feelings with me. She and I have talked it all out and everything is fine now, but it's put me in a very emotional and confused mood.

Now, to get to the real reason for this blog! I woke up this morning, just like any other morning, thinking what will I have for breakfast? Being diabetic, you really don't have an option not to eat, which I would rather not have breakfast, just not a breakfast person. But, if I don't eat, then my blood sugar drops too low and, well, that's a whole other blog! I slowly make my way to the kitchen and check my blood sugar as I do every morning. 117 and that is very good especially considering I emotionally ate like crap last night, but I'll take it.

Anyway, after taking my blood sugar, I just sit there looking at the meter, looking at my morning meds I take, and tears come to my eyes. I'm so tired of taking my blood sugar numbers, taking my meds, counting carbs, counting calories, counting minutes and miles at the gym, wondering if my knees are going to benefit or hurt from the gym,tired of my knees hurting all the time, tired of getting on the scale, tired of spinning the Spark wheel, thinking about what I should fix for dinner, trying to figure out what I can fix that both me and my husband can eat, taking pics of what I eat or make and posting to pep, looking at motivational quotes, and just trying to keep my mind in the right place!! Do you hear me?.....I'M JUST TIRED of it!! Burned out is probably a better word for it. I've been at this really hardcore since the end of December and don't get me wrong, I've seen results. I'm down almost 18 lbs from where I started in December and over 30 lbs from my highest ever weight. But, I still have at least 50 more to go. And another thing about all this is that I'm not really craving anything, in fact, most of the time I have to make myself eat because of the diabetes, not because I'm really all that hungry!

So, please, someone out there tell me, what is wrong with me? How do I get the "spark" back? What can I do? What do I need to do? I'm sitting here with tears running down my face and feel totally lost. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated. I really do care about all my Spark friends and all of you have been so good to me by encouraging and supporting me. I wouldn't have made it this far without all of you.

I need to do something, I just don't know what!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    What has always helped me to get back on track is to pray sincerely, asking for my Creator's help with overcoming the physical concerns I am faced with. And, reading success accounts is something that gives me the push I need to get myself turned around & going in the right direction once more.

    We all get burned out at times; however, the only beneficial alternative is to get back on the right track. You know the one you have been travelling as you have enjoyed such success? To do other wise is to play Russian Roulette, as your health & possibly your life hang in the balance. That is not a wise decision for any of us to take, now is it?

    God bless you as you do what you need to do to make your life count!


    1933 days ago
    What's wrong with you? You're HUMAN, that's what's wrong with you. You should have asked to be born a CAT. Oh well, too late now.

    By the time you read this you will probably have eased your way out of your fatigue and sadness. I too am diabetic and I know exactly how frustrating it is to "walk the line" and watch all the friggin numbers.

    When I get in blue funks I take a vacation. First I cut back on all the non-essential work and then, if possible, I try something new. New foods and taste sensations help a lot when I get the "bored palate". Go to the grocery store and get something you haven't tried before (or eat too rarely): a new tea, coffee, deli treat. Or even get some pretty flowers to smell, or room fragrance.

    The slow cooker is a life saver for me. Plop in some meat and veggies in the morning and dinner is ready hours later without further worry. I try to always have a enough salad made and chilling in the refrigerator to last for several days.

    When you feel like cooking make more than enough for a meal. Then put aside portions in the freezer for future days when you don't know what to cook. Another day Hubby can have one of the pre-made meals and you can too...or you can just have something different for yourself.

    I made a good start on losing weight and have stalled for the month basically because I am not working as intensly as before. I call it "catching my breath". Mind and body can take just so much. Just so long as you don't slip back you are still way ahead. When you are ready you will feel the wind in your sail again and get moving. Until then relax and be kind to yourself.
    1937 days ago
  • MISS1528
    You are such a support fir me.you are one of my favorite sparks. I love all the inspiration you give. I do know how you feel and I wish I had a quick fix for you dear friend. I know you can do this. And I will pray for you .HUGS CHIN UP YOUR WORTH IT
    1948 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6026998
    Just caught up with this but glad to hear you are feeling a bit better to-day. Glad you were able to write down and share your feelings we all get overwhelmed at times and do not always see the positive things we have done emoticon
    1970 days ago
    Oh Beth, I've been feeling the SAME way so often lately. It's why I have so many bad eating days because I'm just tired/overwhelmed from tracking and trying to get my macros right and EVERYTHING that it entails. That coupled with other issues: physical pain, mental battles, life in general... I know how it is! I relate to your post so much. Hang in there and keep moving forward. I saw from your status update after posting this that you're feeling better now and I hope you continue feeling better. Focus on one day at a time and do your best. That's what I'm trying to do. Sometimes it feels like each day is a new battle but that's okay too. We will get through this!
    1970 days ago
    So keep your head up no sleep lol
    1970 days ago
    Girl we all go through it from time to time I hate when my daughter and I disagree on things too plus menopause is not helping things and some days I feel like you but trust me don't throw in the towel in two weeks I gave up been so sick with blood pressure meds for three months now finally he took me off my heart count pill which pulse was in low forties now I'm starting to feel better girl we came to far to just give up its worth it in two weeks I gained two lbs I refuse to regain back all that hard work I did sleep your head up u not going crazy just sometimes we get overwelm and some days you have more to do then other just reme we in this together hugs carlyn
    1970 days ago
    Oh Dear, this happens to the best of us. I find that a "holiday" is best. It might mean an overnight at a friend's or getting a good book and just indulging myself in it for the day or doing something totally different like going to a park for a hike or when I can, jumping on a plane and going for a hike in the neighborhood of a good friend who happens to be on the ocean. We have a spa setting here and yet this is also my WORK so going to a Nordik spa for the day totally clears my mind and helps me re-set. Friend time, outdoors, different location. Sometimes all it takes is a "date" to look forward to. I am not into be complicated holidays because they are usually not realistic for my time schedule or my budget... but it is OK to take a break. I'm diabetic and so usually I try and DO something. I come back refreshed and ready to look at the situation with new eyes. I am also a caregiver with a daughter with many special needs. She has brought us hearache and work... but so much joy. Some days though I do feel tired and want it "easier". Usually I talk with a friend, push through and it gets better. But a change is good too.
    1970 days ago
    For you, recognize how far toward your goal you are, 25% of the way in 3 months? That is crazy fast! Reward yourself! Otherwise, keep it simple for a bit. If there is a simple brkfst, just eat it every day. Try simple healthy good, not over the top.
    1971 days ago
    As far as your granddaughter, my son has had complex spec. needs & it always feels like a race against time, that the child will fall behind. But have faith & hope. Just love her, having a loving extended family is one of the best things she can have
    1971 days ago
    I think what you are feeling is completely normal. I think that nearly everyone who has a chronic condition goes through periods like this. Having health issues is challenging and no one wants to devote great expanses of their time to doing the things necessary to control chronic health conditions. We would like to be able to just eat like everyone else occasionally. It's okay to be sad, angry, upset, etc. over the hand that you were dealt. I think it helps to express it to others and to know that sometimes people are able to overcome these conditions. I am going to send a prayer for you.
    1971 days ago
    oh JB I know where you are at ... I am prediabetic taking daily pills, high blood pressure taking pills and high cholesterol taking pills (the holy three apparently for heart attack or stroke) and have been since Feb 2015. I crashed mentally in December and am now off on stress leave from work and seeing 2 different therapists, a career guy, a dietitian and the doc and on two more medications for stress.

    I have taken off 50 lbs since last Feb 2015 but now I'm flattening and I have 35 at least to go and I'm so TIRED of taking pills three times a day and remembering that and seeing all these people and talking about my feelings and feeling like I'll never get to my goals and that tracking your food isn't working anymore and few people read my blogs and the sadness some days goes on and on .. my hubs of 27 years can't understand what is going on inside me and I was so unhappy before that he disconnected from me because he thought I hated him and some days are just so bad.

    I'm so glad you wrote it down - I keep a journal I write in every day where I work things out or at the very least send it out into cyberspace so it doesn't own space in my mind. I'm also sorry if you think this is too much information but I do get your frustrations.

    My last input for you - my dietitian said I was lacking in B12 because of the blood sugar meds so you might want to inquire about that. It has helped pep and give me some energy most days and I stopped napping or not wanting to eat.

    happy to chat any time! emoticon

    1971 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/6/2016 3:23:09 PM
    Also make sure you tell your husband how you are feeling as I am sure he will want to help. Ask him for a hug. It will help. And if you haven't done so yet try praying, I find this helps me.
    1971 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15597073
    Maybe you need to back off a bit on your goals. Not drop them, but sit down and analyze if you really are trying to do too many things and if taking it down a notch will still suffice to help you meet your health needs. When I'm feeling like it's all too much, it usually IS too much. Taking a deep breath and figuring out where you are overdoing it may be what helps reenergize you.

    emoticon emoticon
    1971 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/6/2016 2:59:28 PM
    You are suffering from stress and I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter is as well. The burden you are carrying is huge and not one that anyone should have to carry alone. Tell your daughter you love her and am sorry for upsetting her. Also make
    1971 days ago
    JB, you should focus on your grandaughter, and let it take it's course. Sometimes it may be a while before you get a diagnosis of her condition, but it's out of your control. Remember that. As for your daughter, you've moved on, admitted your wrongs to each other, so let that go.

    We all have those days, when everything seems like it should be "flushed down the toilet of life" but we get past them and move on. You can do the same.

    You have that "Spark" inside of you; listen to that inner voice; kick out the "Committee Of The Mind" and be aware. Take a few moments of total quiet and think of the positives in your life.

    We all go through those periods where we feel "burned out" but we have to move past them. You've made so much progress, think about that, not how far you have to go. If you exercise on a daily basis, maybe you need a day off; if you don't exercise I'd start. Doesn't have to be training for a marathon, just 10-15 minute walks every day, then boost it up a bit.

    You've got a lot more power than you're giving yourself credit for, use it...

    Carpe Diem,

    1971 days ago
  • COOKIE268
    Focus on the joy that your granddaughter brings to your life despite the hardships. Also count your blessings that you are able to control your diabetes and are able to get out of bed each day. Think of one thing that never fails to make you smile!
    1971 days ago
  • COOKIE268
    Sometimes just have a cry can help clear the cobwebs. Today has been a sucky day for you but tomorrow doesn't have to be. Think of how far you have come already. Remember the slower the weight comes off the longer you're likely to keep it off.
    1971 days ago
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