The past couple of years has been extremely difficult for me as some of you know. I have been suffering from severe depression due to the loss of the two greatest women I have ever known. My aunt passed away in 2013 and my sweet sweet momma died in Feb of 2015 after illness and dementia. I was the caregiver for both of these awesome women and the mental toll that just that takes is more than anyone can imagine that's never walked in those shoes. Also because my emotions were so raw at this point I was dealing with things that had happened to me when I was younger that had been buried way deep down and now rose to the surface.
The anniversary of Momma's death was on 2/19/16. I handled that day really well and thought I had made it thru the worst of it. Well that's not what happened at all. I think I had mentally prepared myself for that day and had my emotions in check because I knew it was coming. From the day after I was a mess for the next few days. I ended up having a total meltdown on the Wednesday after, it seemed I was burying my momma all over again. When my husband came home he was very supportive and talked with me and let me cry some more. It was my ROCK BOTTOM. I had sent a text to a very supportive friend that morning that works with me and told him that I had a drs. appt I had forgotten about (1st person I lied to), and that I would be in later. Later came and I couldn't even get out of the bed, so I called another very supportive friend that I work with and told her that I had a bad headache and wasn't coming at all (2nd person I lied to). Both of these friends that I had relied on thru all of my emotional turmoil told our boss both of these fabricated stories (3rd person I lied to). My boss is also extremely supportive of me and I have always been honest with him about my depression and what I am going thru.
I do not lie, I can't stand to be lied to and make sure I don't lie to people, but this is where depression can take you. You get in such a black hole of hopelessness and despair that nothing else matters.
Later that night God had a talk with me (please don't think I'm crazy, He does talk to me) and told me in order to get my life together the first place I had to start was to apologize to the three individuals I named above and tell them I had lied to them. So the next morning I drug myself out of bed and went to work. I apologized to my male friend as soon as I got there, then I went to my bosses office and told him that I lied and apologized then broke down into a river of tears because he was still so supportive and said he understood. He had a long talk with me and told me that I have to give it to God (which I have tried to do, but I'm like a dog with a bone, I won't completely let go). He also told me to pray, pray, pray and pray some more. To read my bible more and even if I'm at work and feel the depression taking over to get up and go somewhere quiet and PRAY.
On Friday (2/26) I apologized to my female friend because she wasn't there on Thursday. They were all extremely understanding which made me cry more.
Now onto the reason this is brand new day! Every since this depression has started I have cried, begged and prayed to God to make me the person that I used to be. I wanted to be "NORMAL" again. But over the weekend I had an epiphany of sorts, I realized that I will never be the person I used to be. There have been to many things happen in my life that has changed me and I can never go back to that person. I also realized that it is for the better, I am now a more compassionate person to people that suffer from mental illness. I have always been a strong person and felt that people were weak if the couldn't pull themselves up and get on with life. Now I know exactly what depression does to a person, so maybe that's part of the reason I went to where I am mentally and emotionally. I also realized that I need God in my life more than I had been letting Him in. I need Him every second of everyday. I have been praying more and I am really trying to turn the feelings that I have over to Him so I can be healed. I am starting to spend more time with HIm so that he knows just how much I love Him and appreciate all that He has done for me.
So instead of saying I am starting over, I am starting anew. Today is the first day of the rest of my healthy and happy life. Do I think it's going to be easy? Absolutely not, everyday has been a struggle for me since last Thursday, but I have prayed as soon as I open my eyes to God to please help me get up and get my day started. I also know that it's not going to be all sunshine and roses, there will be tough times to come but if I keep my faith and my relationship with God first and foremost I can get thru it and come out a better person on the other side.
I AM WORKING ON MY NEW NORMAL!!
"When you reach the end of your rope; you will find the hem of His garment"