Sunday, February 21, 2016
It's been a rough month.
I've been committed to visit my grandmother once a year for the last several years. My plan for this year was to go see her in April for her 91st birthday. I say "my" like it was mine, but it wasn't. My sister had a baby and wanted to introduce her to her great-grandmother in April for her birthday. These visits can be very difficult, so I wanted to tag along to have support when it got sad.
Last month, my grandmother had some diagnostic care done, a timeframe of within six months was estimated, and hospice was brought in. My uncle suggested we not wait until April.
So my brothers and sisters and my cousins (2 of each!) and I all made the journeys from San Diego, Dallas/Fort Worth, Chicago, New York, Washington and Santa Cruz up to the Bay Area to say goodbye. I flew in Saturday and came back Thursday night.
Good thing we did, because she passed away on Friday.
So I didn't post my weigh-in yesterday for the 5% Challenge. I weighed myself, but forgot to post it, because I got the news between weighing in and posting. You didn't want to see it, anyway. It was about what one would expect after a week of traveling, grieving, drinking, and eating out. I'm pretty low, but my weight was not.
I'm going through a hard time at work, too.
My department at work was told we would be moving last May. We will still be part of the organization, but in a different building. The move got pushed back half a dozen times, and then it finally happened last week. On Friday before I was leaving to see my grandmother, we went to the new office.
And it is terrible. Unbelievably terrible. I seriously can't believe this organization thought this was acceptable. The culture is such that they think that if it is "new," it is good. It is not good. It's really bad. It's untenable.
It's smaller than our old space, our desks are less than half the size, there is no storage space. There are no file cabinets. The geniuses who picked our desks didn't take into consideration the size of our files and the drawers don't fit them. My files are stuffed under my miniscule desk. I have to keep them, because the people I got the files from never scanned them, so my plan is to scan over time, but it will take years. Years with my files acting as a footrest.
There is no privacy. I sit back-to-back two feet away from my other coworker, and can look straight into the eyes of another one. We all sit in high-traffic areas. I know this may be the office version of "uphill both ways," but the layout is truly that bad.
I walked in the room and burst into tears. I wasn't the only one crying, though others were more discreet.
I don't understand how they can do this to us. This is an organization that is very focused on its reputation. They should be embarrassed to have spent as much money as they did on this disgrace. They were snookered and are proud of it.
And I was snookered, too. But I'm not proud.
I can't work there. I genuinely cannot imagine myself sitting in my awful desk on my awful floor and getting any work done. I'd give anything to be able to call tomorrow and tell them how unacceptable this is and that I am NOT working there. But I can't.
I'm even more upset about the new office than I am my grandmother. My grandmother makes me sad, but my office enrages me to the extent I can be enraged in my emotional exhaustion. It feels like a betrayal. They give us this garbage and expect gratitude. They act like it's great, and it's not. They promised a brand-new Porsche and proudly drove up in a Pinto.
I need to find some meditations on impermanence and acceptance. I don't know if I even want to try to accept the unacceptable, though. I don't know if I can even bring myself to try to learn about acceptance in my state. I want to be angry and indignant, but I don't want to feel angry and indignant, if that makes sense. It hurts to feel so negative, but I don't want to be complacent and accepting to people who don't deserve it.
I'm really struggling.