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Pretty Low

Sunday, February 21, 2016

It's been a rough month.

I've been committed to visit my grandmother once a year for the last several years. My plan for this year was to go see her in April for her 91st birthday. I say "my" like it was mine, but it wasn't. My sister had a baby and wanted to introduce her to her great-grandmother in April for her birthday. These visits can be very difficult, so I wanted to tag along to have support when it got sad.

Last month, my grandmother had some diagnostic care done, a timeframe of within six months was estimated, and hospice was brought in. My uncle suggested we not wait until April.

So my brothers and sisters and my cousins (2 of each!) and I all made the journeys from San Diego, Dallas/Fort Worth, Chicago, New York, Washington and Santa Cruz up to the Bay Area to say goodbye. I flew in Saturday and came back Thursday night.

Good thing we did, because she passed away on Friday.

So I didn't post my weigh-in yesterday for the 5% Challenge. I weighed myself, but forgot to post it, because I got the news between weighing in and posting. You didn't want to see it, anyway. It was about what one would expect after a week of traveling, grieving, drinking, and eating out. I'm pretty low, but my weight was not.

I'm going through a hard time at work, too.

My department at work was told we would be moving last May. We will still be part of the organization, but in a different building. The move got pushed back half a dozen times, and then it finally happened last week. On Friday before I was leaving to see my grandmother, we went to the new office.

And it is terrible. Unbelievably terrible. I seriously can't believe this organization thought this was acceptable. The culture is such that they think that if it is "new," it is good. It is not good. It's really bad. It's untenable.

It's smaller than our old space, our desks are less than half the size, there is no storage space. There are no file cabinets. The geniuses who picked our desks didn't take into consideration the size of our files and the drawers don't fit them. My files are stuffed under my miniscule desk. I have to keep them, because the people I got the files from never scanned them, so my plan is to scan over time, but it will take years. Years with my files acting as a footrest.

There is no privacy. I sit back-to-back two feet away from my other coworker, and can look straight into the eyes of another one. We all sit in high-traffic areas. I know this may be the office version of "uphill both ways," but the layout is truly that bad.

I walked in the room and burst into tears. I wasn't the only one crying, though others were more discreet.

I don't understand how they can do this to us. This is an organization that is very focused on its reputation. They should be embarrassed to have spent as much money as they did on this disgrace. They were snookered and are proud of it.

And I was snookered, too. But I'm not proud.

I can't work there. I genuinely cannot imagine myself sitting in my awful desk on my awful floor and getting any work done. I'd give anything to be able to call tomorrow and tell them how unacceptable this is and that I am NOT working there. But I can't.

I'm even more upset about the new office than I am my grandmother. My grandmother makes me sad, but my office enrages me to the extent I can be enraged in my emotional exhaustion. It feels like a betrayal. They give us this garbage and expect gratitude. They act like it's great, and it's not. They promised a brand-new Porsche and proudly drove up in a Pinto.

I need to find some meditations on impermanence and acceptance. I don't know if I even want to try to accept the unacceptable, though. I don't know if I can even bring myself to try to learn about acceptance in my state. I want to be angry and indignant, but I don't want to feel angry and indignant, if that makes sense. It hurts to feel so negative, but I don't want to be complacent and accepting to people who don't deserve it.

I'm really struggling.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Brenda, I am so sorry about your loss. I think of you often and remember when you and your sister came to S.F. to visit your grandmother, a few years ago. May she rest in peace.
    The office situation doesn't sound good. I am sorry it is affecting you the way it is. I remember when my son opened a new West Coast Office in WA for his company in MN, and they decided to ship out the old office furniture, because the company itself moved into new digs with all new furniture and didn't know what to do with the old. At least they don't sit on top of each other. This can be so frustrating, and affects you daily. The suggestion, mentioned here, to address the problem as a team, sounds like a good one to me. This way, no one is singled out.
    Take care, I hope things are looking up, soon, or you might have to look somewhere else.
    1448 days ago
    So sorry about your grandmother, and how you are struggling at work. We spend more of our waking hours at work, than at home. I hope something changes for you to make it more manageable.
    1453 days ago
    So sorry for your loss, emoticon
    1454 days ago
  • SEAGLASS1215
    At least you got to see your grandmother before she hard as it must have been, at least you will not be wishing you hadn't waited until April and you can take some comfort in that. The office conditions sound awful - and even though you may be over sensitive to the new space limitations due to being more emotional over the loss of your grandmother, it still sounds like a very unacceptable arrangement. Can the desks be turned around somehow so you are not so cramped and staring at each other? Could they bring in file cabinets to store things so you are not cramming them under your desk? Is management aware of the issues or are they trying to save face, realizing this wasn't what they were hoping for but not willing to accept that they goofed? If management is not willing to rectify things to make it better, you may want to consider beefing up the resume and looking around...the job market is getting better...
    1455 days ago
  • LINDA!
    I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I can understand your disgust with your new working space. It is frustrating that we have no control over these work circumstances. emoticon
    1455 days ago
  • L*I*T*A*
    so sorry for your loss.........

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1455 days ago
  • MONAKIN314
    Hang in there honey!! emoticon
    1455 days ago
    Difficult time for you...
    Are there any options for moving your desk or perhaps bringing in a plant to give you some privacy and oxygen?
    1456 days ago
    Oh dear, BEATLETOT! It upsets me to know of your horrible new circumstances. I'm very sorry that you are grieving for your grandmother, of course, but death is something over which no one has much control. On where to move one's employees, however--that is quite controllable and it sounds as if your employer has fumbled very badly. What dismal working conditions. I hope they can either improve your situation or that you can dust off your resume and move on!

    But I'm sorry--I laughed when I came to the part about them promising a Porsche and proudly driving up in a Pinto. i remember my first car--a white Pinto. was not a good car. To put it mildly.
    1456 days ago
    I'm so glad you did see your Grandmother in time. She had a nice long life.
    I feel for you, at your work place. Maybe you should start looking for work elsewhere. I know jobs are slim these days, and it might take a while, but no harm in applying for jobs. emoticon
    1456 days ago
    Sorry for your loss. emoticon emoticon

    The office situation sounds difficult. Since others appear to be distressed about the situation as well; perhaps, together the group can voice their concerns and have it addressed.
    1456 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    Sorry for your loss. emoticon
    1456 days ago
  • CHERYLA2012
    I am sorry you are struggling.
    1456 days ago
  • DEE797
    Sending emoticon emoticon your way on the loss of your Grandmother. The office situation sounds difficult to say the least. Are there others who feel as you do about it? Maybe you could all get together and speak up about what the problems are with the new set-up.
    1456 days ago
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