Where does my weight come from?
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
I was reflecting tonight on where all those extra pounds I have gained over the last 12 years have come from.
About 20 come from 12 years ago almost exactly, when my mom died. My dad lost 20 pounds, and I gained all of his weight and then some. I remember being famished at my mom's memorial service. I couldn't wait to eat, which is awful, because I was grieving, but it's true. My doctor told me that either gaining or losing your appetite due to a major trauma, such as a death in the family, is normal. So I felt a little better, but not much. It seems that I have held onto that weight as much as I hold onto my mama's fading memory.
The next 20 pounds were the ones I had little control over. You see, I am Bipolar Type II. When my depression was at it's worst about 3 years ago, I was put on a variety of meds. I tried everything. Nothing helped. I could still barely pull myself out of bed, much less brush my teeth, in the morning. Finally, they put me on one bipolar drug that worked. I felt great! Except I was ravenous. I ate constantly. I was never full. One month later, when I saw my psychiatrist, I discovered that I had gained over 10 pounds in one month. When they say that you don't put on the pounds quickly, so don't expect to lose them quickly, that's not always true. I told my doctor I felt great, but that I was going to be morbidly obese if I stayed on this drug. We tried other meds, and eventually found a lovely cocktail that I am still on to this day. But, of course, the weight stayed.
The other 10 pounds I can't attribute to anything specific. My diet has been both good and poor throughout the years. I have a horrible sweet tooth. I am getting older, and a little weight gain isn't unexpected. I have spent years being sedentary, all factors for weight gain.
When I originally joined SP 3 years ago, I wanted to lose the weight from the meds. But I've lost that weight now. I'm down about 30 pounds from my very highest. So now I want to lose the weight that's from my mom's death. It's painful. It's like I hold on to it so I can still have her in my life, though I know that's not possible. I know that she would kick my butt if she saw me at this weight. I know that me eating healthier and exercising is something she would be proud of, and I am proud of it. I have about 30 more pounds to go, but it's slowly going.
So here's to my mom, who died 12 years ago next month. May her memory be eternal. And may the weight I gained come off, and never come back.