_COSMOPAULATAN_
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Cultivate Joy - 2016

Monday, January 25, 2016

It's been five years since I've taken myself - and my health - seriously. I'm in full-blown nostalgia mode this morning and it's making my heart ache with what was. I did it before, I can do it again. Perhaps not as extreme this time, perhaps not as fast this time, but I can do it again.

I have different tools in my arsenal this time, and an eating disorder diagnosis riding my coat tails. I have to go at this differently if I expect to have long-lasting results. I know quick, I know intense, I know dramatic... what I don't know is steady.

I see others still on their journey, or back on their journey, and the pangs of jealously do not escape me. It's hard being me today. There was much wisdom gained from my last go around with getting healthy, I really do believe it would be wise to revisit the things that worked and were sustainable so I could mimic.

So where is all this coming from? I was in St. Thomas for a week living the good life... the one that involved getting up, putting on a swimsuit, and swimming in the ocean... the one that didn't involve large amounts of food or drink. I came back, and as soon as I got on U.S. soil, the anxiety kicked in and I sought out food. I did that for about a week, going overboard yesterday by eating cheese... way too much cheese... and feeling miserable after.

I know better than to eat cheese in the first place, but then OD'ing on cheese? Well, it was a special kind of punishment that only I give to myself. As I was writhing in bed at 4pm from the pain that I was in, I wondered what the hell did I do this for? Why was I doing things that intentionally put me in pain... misery... resentment against myself? How did I come to hate myself so much?

I don't want that existence any more. I remember the life I built for myself. I was happier and healthier and I felt and looked better. In my previous blog entry "Raw", I said "And I don't want to start over. And that's the truth." Looking back, I was in total burnout mode. I had just ran my first 1/2 marathon the month before, and off of someone else's advice - not based on how my body felt - I took a break from running. And when I tried again after that month, it felt like starting over. And I didn't want to. So I've held that for 5 years... a 5 year temper tantrum of "I don't want to", but I have no choice. I have no choice if I want different for myself, so I must start over. It's scary to think about.

So, for today, I will do my best to honor my body and my life and nourish it with food and experiences that will be beneficial. In the book "Made to Crave", I ran across a quote that I liked. It said "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial". That especially rings true with my eating disorder because of all the food rules I have created/adhered to over the years... but the truth is EVERYTHING is permissible, but it's not all beneficial to me and my health goals.

This is my 2016 Vision Board. A more balance version from years past. Cheers and good tidings as I return to myself...


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MT-MOONCHASER
    We all learn things about ourselves while we are on this journey. Sometimes we put that knowledge to good use, oftentimes we don't. Put this knowledge to use for yourself in the way that works best for you and you will have a winning strategy.

    Good luck! I know you can do it.

    emoticon


    871 days ago
  • FRAN0426
    You have learned a valuable lesson from the overeating of cheese yesterday, an a ha moment---that sounds like has changed your life. All continued success, and you can do this journey with the conclusion of wanting to make your life healthier. All the best as you continue.
    874 days ago
  • SHINEFROMWITHIN
    beautiful blog. I certainly can relate to the way you feel. I wish you only the best on this journey and will be here to cheer you on and support you. You are worth it. You are enough. and you will do this!
    874 days ago
  • KRISKECK
    You have grown and leaned. I like your new approach, it is kinder and gentler. You can do this. Take the time to breathe, to give yourself credit, to love yourself. Wishing you calm and joy in this new year!

    emoticon
    874 days ago
  • CAROKNITS
    1 Corinthians 10:23! So very true. May you have wisdom to separate the permissible from the beneficial.

    So good to 'see' you online.
    874 days ago
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