life in recovery, the fall from program....

Saturday, January 23, 2016

I am alone this weekend, the Mr. and baby are at winter camp, and the big is off working his muscles for money- helping somebody move. I have done the chores; feed the fish, dogs and cats, did dishes, laundry so now I am in front of the computer, with the radio on and I can ponder my thoughts. emoticon My dreams were about being maligned by my mom, that she was choosing the other kids,my siblings, that the other kids fit in better than I did. I woke with that heavy heartsick feeling that I have had in my childhood. Heartsick fits. I can’t go to my mom to fix things, (she passed about 7 years ago). I can’t become what she wanted. I am my own creature, a creation of God. It is funny and ironic that what my mom wanted for me ( slender) is what I want for me (health). Perhaps I was thinking about my mom because I transgressed and felt heartsick with myself. I found myself away from home, full of anxiety and low blood sugar. My lunch wilted, and didn’t travel well, No matter the reasons, I ate. I had a gluten and dairy filled cheeseburger with a matching sugar filled dairy shake, and then learned that after 15 days of not eating that way, that eating way makes me sick. I am back on program, and have planned the menu for the next pay period. I do have a travel day, but am not going to focus on salad to travel, but on cold cuts and cut veggies. The quote of today fits: “We are sons and daughters who can rely upon our heavenly Father in all things. We have a merciful Father who is willing to take us by the hand and dust us off when we slip and fall.”-from Zealous emoticon
I am heartsick for another reason. emoticon I have offended a cyber friend. My absence during the months of November and December does not speak of a two way friendship. I have apologized, and explained but am concerned that I have harmed this friendship. Cyber friendships are hard because you cant go to the person, have a cup of tea and talk it out. Distance and the internet make for a unnatural environment.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You seem to be thinking through a lot...seems heavy. You are worth everything you want to achieve. You are worth being friends with, worth being successful, worth losing weight. It is hard to remember that some days.
    1411 days ago
    The thing about dreams/memories is that they are not reality...they are only pieces of wishes, pieces of the past...and they are viewed not in the reality of their time and place, but through the filters of our current Life. Who we are now is defined by us...we can change from who we once were. Change is indeed the essence of Life.

    The same with your cyberfriend.... many friends come and go within our lifetimes. I can't come up with the right quote now...but it is something like "friends come bringing what we need, but it doesn't mean we will need that forever". You have apologized...that is all you can do... If this person is meant to continue to be in your LIfe, it will happen. If not, then release this relationship...and look forward to finding someone else bringing the gifts your LIfe needs. Give thanks for what was shared, and be open to the Changes in Life.
    1412 days ago
    HUGS and pick yourself up and start from where you're at! As for your cyberfriend, all I can say is I'm sorry. I hoe things work out

    1413 days ago
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