life in recovery, the fall from program....

1-23-2016.
I am alone this weekend, the Mr. and baby are at winter camp, and the big is off working his muscles for money- helping somebody move. I have done the chores; feed the fish, dogs and cats, did dishes, laundry so now I am in front of the computer, with the radio on and I can ponder my thoughts. My dreams were about being maligned by my mom, that she was choosing the other kids,my siblings, that the other kids fit in better than I did. I woke with that heavy heartsick feeling that I have had in my childhood. Heartsick fits. I can’t go to my mom to fix things, (she passed about 7 years ago). I can’t become what she wanted. I am my own creature, a creation of God. It is funny and ironic that what my mom wanted for me ( slender) is what I want for me (health). Perhaps I was thinking about my mom because I transgressed and felt heartsick with myself. I found myself away from home, full of anxiety and low blood sugar. My lunch wilted, and didn’t travel well, No matter the reasons, I ate. I had a gluten and dairy filled cheeseburger with a matching sugar filled dairy shake, and then learned that after 15 days of not eating that way, that eating way makes me sick. I am back on program, and have planned the menu for the next pay period. I do have a travel day, but am not going to focus on salad to travel, but on cold cuts and cut veggies. The quote of today fits: “We are sons and daughters who can rely upon our heavenly Father in all things. We have a merciful Father who is willing to take us by the hand and dust us off when we slip and fall.”-from Zealous
I am heartsick for another reason. I have offended a cyber friend. My absence during the months of November and December does not speak of a two way friendship. I have apologized, and explained but am concerned that I have harmed this friendship. Cyber friendships are hard because you cant go to the person, have a cup of tea and talk it out. Distance and the internet make for a unnatural environment.