I've been doing this for half a year
Monday, January 04, 2016
Well, it's the beginning of a new calendar year and I thought it was a good time to recap. I realized I've been doing this for six months. Holy s***! This is the longest I've stuck with a fitness program consistently in all my life. I wish I could say why this time has been different or better but I don't have a magic formula. I just know what my goal is and I get up every day knowing exercise will be in my day and that I need to watch what I eat.
When I started, I was in such despair emotionally over things that actually had nothing to do with my weight. My only child was flying away from the nest and I didn't know what I was going to do and I was untangling myself from an emotionally abusive relationship with a drug addict. At the time, I didn't realize how sad I was or even recognize my own despair. I also didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it, which is rare for me. I'm pretty social but this just all felt too personal for me. The pain was too deep to even speak about it. Grief can do that to you. I just felt like nothing and adrift with no purpose. I didn't see anything about me that was worth anything. (also a symptom of grief)
Improving my health was a nice little project that gave me somewhere to channel all my emotions and occupy my time.
Then something happened. I started to look forward to my exercise and the much needed peace and solitude it brought me. The walks, and Zumba and boot camp became me time where I loved myself unconditionally. During those hours and hours of physical exertion, I was able to figure out who I was and to see my worth again. There really is something truly cathartic about physical activity.
The sadness is finally going away and every day I feel stronger. I don't miss my son all the time and that other relationship is just slowly fading from memory but I'm not quite over the hump yet. (Writing this blog, I find myself crying. I still have some healing to do.)
I hope I have another six months of this in my future. When I feel defeated or tired or the sadness and grief start eclipsing me again, I put my head down and keep pushing forward, some days slower than others.
One moment at a time. One step at a time.