lurking and planning. time for an update

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

i haven't posted in quite awhile, but I thought I better give an update. first, thank you all for the responses on my last blog. I really do appreciate everyone's thoughts and concerns. I'm in a very difficult spot, so knowing I have support is so wonderful!

since I wrote that blog I've been doing a lot of thinking on how I want to turn my life around. as I've mentioned, I do not like where I am. I have to change things. I feel in order to change I have to tackle it all. the whole focusing on one thing isn't working out for me. I've thought about what I want to change:

lose weight
get out of debt
get organized
get in shape
focus on my overall health

I want to achieve all this in 2016. I know I won't succeed at it all in January, that's why I'm using the whole year. everyday I can work on each bit, and for the most part they are all connected.

in 2016 I plan to track my food, drink water, sleep, de-clutter my house, work on my debt snowball, remove processed foods from my diet, drink way less alcohol, eliminate soda once and for all...lots and lots of stuff.

my intent is to buy a planner and use that to keep me on track on a day to day basis. dh wants to do a bike road race and I want to do it with him. it's a big chunk of money (for us) and I don't want to waste it. he will train and push me to train with him. I don't want to let myself or him down. I plan to work on meal plans that will work and also have food on had in case they don't so I'm not tempted to stop and grab something at the last minute. I will do food prep and keep everything as simple as possible.

one of my biggest issues is that I'm extremely stressed. I stress because I'm always dealing with money issues. I stress because I'm tired. I stress because I'm gaining weight. I stress because I miss workouts. I stress because my house is messy. It's all a very vicious cycle and, as I mentioned, it's all connected.

I decided to back away from all things weight loss at the beginning of the month. it was overwhelming me, I was binge eating, stress eating, stressing...I needed to pull back and get my head back on straight. I feel as thought I've really gotten things under control at this point. It's been a nice break, but I'm ready to get back in the game. I'm not going to until the new year though. I know myself, I will not survive the holidays. I don't want to set myself up for failure.

I'm a people pleaser and that is going to change. I gave up sugar in September and had no problem turning down treats from people. I want to carry that courage through the whole year. I don't want to eat something unhealthy just so I don't hurt another's feelings. I need to put my goals and what is best for me first.

I probably won't recognize myself this time next year. I sure hope I don't. I did a list on what I need to change and the habits and qualities I don't like about myself. there are quite a few. I did the same thing for what I do like about myself and my good qualities. I put the notebook away when the second list remained empty. I can't live like this. I apparently like nothing about myself. I've been struggling with this for over 10 years and nothing has changed except I've gained more weight and fallen farther into my hole. I think I've hit rock bottom, but I'm terrified there is still farther to go. I'm just hanging out on a ledge until the rock crumbles. I'm terrified of what is lurking in the dark below me, I've got to start climbing.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD11945874
    I commend you for your honesty and it looks like you have some really good plans for this year ........I do hope you find some calming and relaxing ways to deal with life's stressors ............ (Don't we all wish they would just go away?!) ...... lol ......... also hope it is ok to add you as a spark friend! ......
    2005 days ago
    Things I see that should be on the second list:

    You are beautiful
    You are here on sparkpeople working hard to change your life for the better
    You are kind and caring (even though it may be too much as a people pleaser)

    and I don't even know you personally like seattlesims

    love yourself! Be positive and you will be motivated to go for your goals. I am still learning as well but I'm getting there.

    You've got this! You are a STRONG SPARKER!! GO FOR IT!
    2013 days ago
    Good for you. Start small, don't take on too much at once or it will feel overwhelming. Just take your time and as things get easier, add on a new thing. You CAN do this!
    2014 days ago
    I can think of a few positive things about you (and I barely you know you as a spark friend). You are brave. You are blogging about these difficult feelings and stresses in your life and that is brave! You've acknowledged some of your issues and that is a HUGE first step!
    I wish for you that you may find some zen in the little moments of this special time of year.
    Sometimes I have to stop and think of gratitude in a simple moment where things may not be fabulous, but they ain't bad either.. and for that I'm grateful.
    Hang in there spark friend and we can all make 2016 a better year for a better us!
    2014 days ago
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