Everyday is a hurdle.........
Monday, December 07, 2015
I have been over weight every since I can remember. I do not know what it is like to be "thin or normal size or skinny". My normal was always worrying about where the "woman/plus" size clothing was or whether or not I would fit into something. It took me a very long time to realize why I had gotten so out of control with my weight and when that time came I asked myself why was I so comfortable with it? Comfortable enough not to make a change. About 7 years ago I joined Spark and didn't take full advantage of everything and everyone Spark had to offer me. Every time that I told myself I had to do this, that I wanted to lose the weight....I FAILED! I would either lie to myself and ignore the things I was doing to sabotage me! Or I would binge! Even thought I wasn't hungry, I craved, I longed for that "full" feeling and I would give into it! I would binge until I was miserable! Then that brought on depression and self pity. Which then brought on drinking and partying and making myself the life of the party to cover up and hide....me. If I was making everyone laugh and enjoying themselves, they didn't have time to look at me. Didn't have time to notice my depression, to see the failure that I saw everyday in the mirror! I was my worst enemy! I did not believe in myself! And today I still have those fears of failure. I still have the urge to binge! Still long for that "full" feeling! BUT.... I try to remind myself that everyday IS a new day! Everyday is a hurdle and I have to keep jumping. No one is going to do this for me. I am the only one who has the power to change me!
I have only been on spark for 8 days and the about of support I have already received is overwhelming! I am truly amazed by it! I will keep jumping over those hurdles and give back the support that I have been shown!