life in recovery, day 15.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

November 27.
The big meal is over. I had to leave the gathering, too much food and if I didn’t leave, I was going to dive into banana pudding cream cake. I walked out, as is I broke, and had a COSTCO pumpkin roll slice. But the company was good and I was a little aggravated that my urges had me walking out the door. Will there come a day when I can stand next to a table of desserts, and not feel compelled and obsessed to eat them all? Then came day 2, where we all gather, again, and eat the leftovers. Again, I had to decline. I just couldn’t take another day of saying no to potato rolls, to stuffing. I MISS BREAD. I miss turkey sandwiches, and Paninis. Being paleo is hard, and I feel like I am grieving the way I used to eat, the way I have cheated for three years. But I have declared myself paleo, and food sober. I think there is a grieving process, when we change our ways and declare sober, and we have to leave things behind. Favorite food traditions and social gatherings. I trust that there will come a day when I can stand next to Aunt Julie, not having to lie about why I can’t eat her jello coolwhip rice salad, and wish her a true thanksgiving, that she would understand and say, I know you can’t eat this so I am not going to offer it ( push it on you). I think there will come a day when my Paleo traditions are enough. I tell my clients that for recovery to work, you need a new social set. What do you do when the social set is your family? I decided, in a fit about not having any leftover turkey at my house, it’s all at aunt Nancy’s, and the only way to get any is to run the gauntlet of sugar, that NEXT year, thanksgiving is at my house, with my menu. There is something about being food sober that is very lonely, and I feel like I am hurt and wounded and limping. So Again, the scriptures and meditations spoke to me. Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.” — Genesis 32:28. Jacob’s legacy encourages us to persevere. Even when we are hurt and even when we are limping, we need to put one foot in front of the other and continue to walk in faith with our Father. Together, we will reach our goals.- Rabbi Eckstein".
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I think Ramona summed up my feelings for sure.

    You know you are not alone for sure and even if that day doesn't come when those things aren't a temptation, you WILL eventually learn how to handle the situations in ways that are better for you.

    YOU WALKED OUT, and that's a good start for now for sure!
    1453 days ago
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    I hope you are really proud of yourself... because I am so proud of you. I'm especially proud of you staying with your feelings, and expressing them so honestly.

    I've had to leave gatherings, too... not because I couldn't resist the food, but because I was so angry at the lack of compassion and understanding of everyone around me. While my Mr.'s family tries really hard to be food-inclusive (though they fail more often than not, lol), my family simply ignores that there are three people at the table, the youngest family member being the most significant - my daughter, that cannot eat the way our family "always has."

    This year we actually skipped Thanksgiving with the family entirely. I had neither the time or the energy to smile and stand up to the slap in the face. And now Christmas is looming... we don't stay with my family as long as we used to because I can schlep only so much food with us.

    There IS a grieving process, and I encourage you to share these thoughts and feelings on the new R.I.P SAD grieving thread on the paleo team. Mark Sisson recently published a good blog entry... it made me feel better and it gave me some tools to deal with the social stuff a little more effectively:

    5 Responses When Relatives Ask Why You’re Not Eating Stuffing This Thanksgiving

    ...and check out the Paleo bread post in the Paleo team's RESOURCES thread.

    I cope with the holidays by taking along substitution food for everything we really miss so that we have Paleo food eat no matter what anyone else is eating... and I have a Paleo feast waiting for us when we get home!

    While you feel alone in the midst of family, never forget, you are not alone in this struggle!

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    1453 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/28/2015 4:10:39 PM
    I don't know if that day will come for either of us, but you are not alone. In the meantime, all we have is today. ;)
    1453 days ago
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